Martha stewart gingerbread house cookie jar

So my husband is a travelling med tech, and we have moved into a very small (400 sq ft in total) apartment in Everett so that we can be close to the hospital.
We have just moved in (has not even been a week) and I am still arranging our things in the apartment, with boxes stacked on the floor of the kitchen.
Yesterday, my husband noticed that hair was getting a little too long (he usually just keeps it to a buzz cut since it is easier to manage for him) and asked if I could use his electric shaver to cut his hair for him.
Given that our place was so tiny, and that our bathroom sink was a leaking a little making the bathroom floor wet, I suggested that we step outside (it is a ground level apartment) into the driveway where we could quickly get the job done. He sat on a stool and I trimmed off the hair. We were very careful to collect it all as it came off and held on to it until we could put it into the bin when we went back into the house.
Moments later, I am getting dinner done when there is a banging (not a knocking, an actual BANGING) on the front door, and what sounded like someone trying to turn the door knob. Husband is in the shower, so I go see what's the matter. Open the door, and there is a man there. He asks me if we had been cutting hair in the driveway, and I said yes, we had. He says that he now has hair all down the said of his vehicle that was in the driveway, and chastised that we should respect other people's property. I apologise, say that we didn't realise that this had been the case, and then offered to wipe it down for him. I was mortified and genuinely apologetic, because we really didn't intend to get hair on his car - it had been a few feet away.
He says, 'No, don't touch it. You'll use something rough to wipe it with.' I just say 'okay', because that's all I could think of to say. He then proceeds to ask me if we swept up the hair from the driveway (it is a gravel driveway), because his kids walk by there all the time. I said that we collected it all. He repeated his question, and I repeated that we collected the hair. Then he just shook his head and walked away.
My husband went over to their apartment immediately after to explain that there was no malice involved, and to ask how we could make it up to them as an apology. He offered jars of food since we do our own canning or baked goods since I bake a lot. He turned this down, saying that he was going to move his vehicle to a different spot and that 'this was the last straw'.
We did our best to make up for it and extend an olive branch, but the more I think about it, the more overblown his reaction seems to me, especially the banging on the front door which terrified me. My husband is from the Midwest, and I am from India, so it is possible that I am just culturally ignorant and we have violated some regional neighbourly principles.
I would appreciate some honest feedback as to whether we are in the wrong, and if we are, I am willing and ready to offer cookies to our neighbours as a peace offering.
Update: There is the possibility that the guy might be part Mexican, and after my husband spoke to a Mexican co-worker, turns out taking off one's shirt in public (to shave his head) is seen as very disrespectful? I had no clue that this was the case. Thank you so much for all the feedback. You all have made me and the husband feel a great deal better and we are no longer doubting our sanity lol. We have decided to keep away from the man as much as possible unless he stirs something else up.

Our family dog Cookie (half aspin, half border collie) was diagnosed with canine distemper on June 6, 2022. He's been with us for years now ever since I was in junior high school (I am now graduating college). I'll be updating here his progress and hopefully someone sees this and could also share their expertise or experience. Anything to help my poor dog would be appreciated. I am desperate.
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Day prior to diagnosis. He looked sad so I decided to take him out for a walk. We took him on a walk with our other dog Martha. He behaved normally but I noticed he had trouble defecating. It looks like he was constipated. He did poop a bit though. Once we finished walking, he still looked sad and did not want to eat so I placed him inside the house to assess him. A few moments later, he defecated jelly like stool with fresh blood. This alarmed me so I decided to take him to the vet the next day.
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Day 1 (diagnosis day). I took him to the vet around 10 am. His mouth started itching and having blisters. The vet ran some tests and diagnosed him with distemper. Although she could not determine what was causing his itching. We went home with some multivitamins, immune boosters, and antibiotics. He also received 2 shots (one for pain and one for his fever). At home, I disinfected the spots where he stayed at. I was so scared since I also have a 8 month old dog inside the house. I gave him his meds and tried feeding him ground pork with soft squash. thankfully he ate some and drinks water on his own. He just doesn't like the taste of the immune booster (Black Armor). I stayed up late at night with him and rubbed his face for him to avoid his paws to cause further bruising in his mouth. We slept around 3 AM.
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Day 2. When he woke up he started pawing at his face again. It was already red and swollen. His balls were also reddened. I gave him his meds at 6 AM (Immune booster). I contacted the vet and got a prescription for Predail. He pooped a bit. It was still jelly like but appeared tarry. He also ate on his own and drank water on his own!!! He is still itchy even after taking predsil

Maybe you grew up in the bible belt. Maybe you didn't receive the right amount of sex education. Maybe you've been taught a demon will enter your body if you feel pleasure.
Maybe you're just prude. It's not necessary a bad thing. We all have our limits to what we like to see.
But understand that women are allowed to feel pleasure and showing it on television shouldn't be a bad thing.
Just because you see it. A very natural act of pleasure done by so many people around the world all the time. Something that feels good.
Doesn't mean the show is bad or porn.
You like cookies. Do you turn the TV off when Martha Stewart start baking a fresh batch of chocolate chips cookies? No you don't.
It's the same for sex.
Educate yourself. And understand that sex and self pleasure is natural and not a dirty act.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
POV: Mavis
They were deep into the game when Mavis glanced at the black sky between the open blinds. The screen was suddenly so bright in the dark room, and her muscles ached when she stretched around the controller.
Her legs swung off the end of the bed as she tilted the controller. At some point, they switched places. Mavis looked at Zed, his glassy eyes frozen over and his tongue stuck out halfway in intense concentration.
She stifled a laugh.
Mavis had never seen anyone that deep in the zone, ever. It was inspiring.
“I have to pee,” Zed announced.
He stood and left the room, leaving the door cracked so the hall light came in. Mavis massaged her hands, then looked down at the controller in her lap. Everything about staying over was so natural. Zed didn’t seem put off by her either.
She was about to push her luck.
The toilet flushed and a minute later he walked back into the room.
“So, I was wondering if I could stay for the night,” Mavis said.
His impassive expression didn’t change in the slightest. She took a breath to go into a diatribe about moving and that her mattress wasn’t ready yet, that the couch had springs sticking out in awkward places and it was impossible to sleep.
“Okay,” he said.
Her breath deflated.
“Well, that was easy,” she said, half-jokingly.
Zed huffed, a laugh, Mavis realized. He sat next to her on the bed and picked up the other controller.
“Let’s continue our game,” Zed said.
“Actually, I think I’m good,” she said.
He shrugged.
Zed exited the game and played Forza Horizon instead.
After some time, Mavis braved the question that she’d been waiting to ask.
“Zed, are you doing anything this weekend?”
He was completely unfazed for a moment, and she thought that he hadn’t heard her.
“I’m going to my dad’s. It’s his birthday. Do you want to go?”
That was almost too easy.
Mavis was momentarily stunned.
“Yes,” she said.
Zed broke his focus from the screen and looked at her.
“Really? It’s going to be boring as hell. I need someone to talk to,” he said.
Zed clutched the controller a bit tighter.
Mavis didn’t know how to respond.
“Yes,” she said again.
He turned his eyes back to the screen, right as he ran into a tree in the middle of a field.
Later that night he slumped over onto her shoulder, dead to the world. Of course, only in a figurative sense, as Mavis would never hurt a blond hair on this angel’s head.
Every minute with him made her feel as close to a normal human being that she could ever possibly be. He made her laugh, made her forget that she could never be discovered. They both loved to drive fast.
She looked at his expression longingly, so beautiful when it was wiped of worry. His red buttondown rode up to expose a white underbelly like a fish, his skin so soft and if she could touch…
Her nose flared as the thought made her boil with pleasure, but she put it away before she thought of things she would regret.
Mavis could see that something was wrong, earlier, but she would take care of that.
That morning she was in his house, unbeknownst to him, before he left for work. From under his bed, Mavis overheard his conversation with his dad about the party they were having. There was an attendee who she was especially interested in meeting, one whose address she attained from Collins’ contact list.
He went by the name of SpinTop. God knew why. Anyone could grab his real moniker the second they saw that his face was plastered right there. He had dark brown hair that was really a rather unconvincing toupee, and a very distinct bump on the bridge of his nose.
She had followed the address to an unassuming house halfway back to the city, one of those bland McMansions that blend with the rest of the cookie-cutter homes where people go to rot in quiet suburbia.
There had been no one home that day, but there lived a man who threatened Collins in recent texts to make the killings look like accidents, or he would be next. But why? She had to know. Especially since this man just so happened to be close to Zed’s parents.
Mavis slipped off of the bed and made herself home on the couch.
The next morning they carpooled to work. His car unlocked with a couple of quick, short clicks and he slid into the passenger’s side.
“Did I ever say that I wanted to take it for a ride or did you read my mind about that?” she laughed, then snorted at the end.
Zed gave her an amused smile.
Her heart could have broken ribs.
“I think you told me, but I’m not sure,” he answered.
“Oh well. Let’s ride,” she said.
Mavis revved the engine. They took off down the long stretch of road. She didn’t care for how different it was from the city. The dull, empty fields of green raced by with hardly a thing in between. How much longer until the flowers bored her?
Mavis did not plan this through.
She turned the radio up slightly.
“Another victim found dead on the freeway Mike-”
The radio buzzed and crackled as Mavis quickly flipped the channel.
Electric Love by Børns drowned out the static, for the most part. The signal out here was abysmal.
“What do you like to listen to?” Mavis asked.
Zed turned a little red at the question.
“This is fine,” he said.
She grinned.
“Okay.”
Mavis had time to figure out what his favorite music was. Then she could take him back to the city with her, and they could hopefully get some better reception. Erica was sitting in her car when they pulled up next to her, with a peculiar expression as she stared at her phone.
The window was rolled down and so Zed greeted her with a hello.
“Hey,” Erica replied distantly.
She put her phone in her purse fast and stepped out of the car. Erica pushed up her glasses and gave them both a strange smile.
“I see you’re carpooling now,” she observed.
Zed shrugged.
Mavis gave her a nearly predatory grin.
“Maybe we could go for a ride sometime.”
Erica coughed.
“Well, that sounds good with all that’s…going on.”
Her hand waved in an airy manner.
Zed was a still statue, a million miles away.
He snapped back to life as Mavis looked at him.
“I’ll see you later, Mavis. Thanks for the ride,” he said.
“Yeah,” she said.
Mavis curled a lip as they walked together.
Why couldn’t she work in the same room with him? Why did it have to be Erica digging through bodies? Whatever. She still got to ride with him. Mavis made a smug humph and made her way to the morgue. It was right across from the pathology lab so it wasn’t a long walk away.
The typical clatter and chaos filled the space in which she thrived. Mavis had bigger plans, but this place would get her through the mundanity for now just fine. As she walked down to her room, she spotted two officers, one that she had met. Gram? Gramins?
The other was fat and tan with soft brown eyes.
They dipped their heads as she approached.
Mavis corked a brow.
“Hello,” she said.
“You’re Ms. Buckley, correct ma’am?” Stewart said.
Mavis looked between them awkwardly.
“Am I in trouble?”
The other laughed.
“No, but we do have a few questions,” she said.
Grant, that was her name. Her voice jogged something in Mavis. She dipped into a state of eerie calm, something which was honed over the years until Zed came along. She didn’t sweat a drop around these two, however.
Mavis hummed and conjured an easy smile.
“Yes sir, yes ma’am.”
They walked back up the stairs to a patrol car.
“Now what is all this? Am I under arrest?” she asked, affecting a high, squeaky voice as though she were alarmed.
Mavis was, deep down, but the emotion did not come through the thick walls in her mind should she need to find a clear exit out. It would be a real bummer if she missed the party because they found her out.
“Ma’am, we are questioning everyone who has come into contact with Sir Buck Collins. We have grounds to suspect that he was involved in a recent homicide,” Stewart said.
The man began to take on the same stoney appearance that Zed had, totally spaced out, as if he were in a Vietnam flashback.
They, Mavis concluded, had seen something that she wasn’t aware of. Yet they didn’t suspect her. Mavis was now truly at ease with them. In fact, this was quite the advantageous position. Collins was dead and he’d be pinned for her recent activities.
This was perfection.
She held down a grin, pleased inside like the cat that ate the canary.
Mavis got into the back of the car, the other two up front. They drove the short distance in silence to the police station.

I am open to reasonable offers/haggling/bundles etc.
I’ll likely swap for stuff on my (small) wish list, but I am happy to take a look at any destash lists.
I have samples from Alkemia, Arcana, Astrid, BPAL, Deconstructing Eden, Fortune Cookie Soap, Fyrinnae, Immortal Perfumes, Luvmilk, Nui Cobalt, Osmofolia, Possets, Siren Song Elixirs, Stereoplasm, Stone and Wit, Solstice Scents

• Shipping is $5
• I reuse packaging
• Samples have been tested at least once (directly on skin) unless otherwise stated
• Smoke-free, cat-friendly home
• I will likely include freebies (stickers, tea, samples), so tell me if you don’t want anything!
• Freebies at the bottom of destash list

I will list the samples below, and there is info on size and pricing HERE in my spreadsheet. (If you get bored and peruse my master list, I’m open to selling most stuff rated 3 and below)

ALKEMIA

• Lilacs along the winding drive Slink $3.00

ARCANA

• Chai layering note 1 ml decant $3.00
• Strawberries Crave Waterfalls
• Vanilla Craves Crescent Moons

ASTRID

• Whinnies 8 Slink $2.00

BPAL

• Go Hawks! Slink $2.00

DECONSTRUCTING EDEN

• Alyssum House 2.5 ml sprayer, half full $1.00

FORTUNE COOKIE SOAP

• Best Day Ever 2 ml $3.00

FYRINNAE

• Kitten Tummies Slink $2.00
• The Marshmallow Prince 1.5 ml roller $3.00

IMMORTAL PERFUMES

• Jane Eyre 1 ml $2.00

KYSE

• Cocco alla Vaniglia $3.00

LUVMILK

• Magical Girl body spray 1 oz, sprayed 1x $4
• Timid Kitten goat milk lotion (light purple) 4 oz, used 1x $6

NUI COBALT

• Arctic Fox Slink, 3/4 full $2.00
• Daughter of the Dark Moon Slink $3.00
• Diamonds in the Snow Slink $3.00

OSMOFOLIA

• Deeper Than Reason 1 ml jar $3.00

POESIE

• Tempus Fugit Slink, very messy label $3.00
• Introvert Goblin Slink, $3.00

POSSETS

• Cri de Couer Slink $2.00

SIREN SONG ELIXIRS

• As the World Falls Down $2.00

SOLSTICE SCENTS

• Smokey Mountain Mallow slink $3.00

STEREOPLASM

• Perdotmint 1.8 ml $2
• Charades .5 ml $2.00
• Lunar Anura 1.8 ml $3.00
• Popsilisca 1.8 ml $4.00
• Scaredy Cats 4.5 ml $10.00
• Solar Croakus 1.8 ml $3.00
• Toasted Matchimellow 4.5 ml $10.00

Stone and Wit

• Cipher 1 ml $3.00

FREEBIES

• Frida 1 ml rollerball decant
• Fluff

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1cPswJ2WTYKR3TDU5DMH3TOJ-WvNvjD6wlmmT2V_k0U0/edit

Hello, and welcome to my sale!
My spreadsheet of scents can be found here.
I have a few samples from a lot of houses (such as Astrid, NAVA, Area of Effect, Stereoplasm) and a lot of samples from a few houses (most notably, Alkemia, Possets, Deconstructing Eden, Nui Cobalt, Poesie). I have the occasional full size as well.
I go by timestamps, so please do not message me until we have come to an agreement about pricing. I accept PayPal Goods and Services and will cover associated fees. I’ll hold items for a couple of hours unless you request differently, and will then move on to the next interested party if there is one. Some items may be posted on multiple platforms, and I will go by timestamps across all platforms (although I reserve the right to prioritize buyers who are purchasing more).
Shipping starts at $4.50 for perfumes and light items within the continental US and will increase with weight and distance. I'm happy to ship internationally as long as you are willing to pay postage. I look for the best rates, domestic or international, and ship within a few business days.
I have priced items based on what I believe is a fair reflection of value, but please discuss offers with me if your research shows that my pricing is off. Happy to entertain offers and/or bundle if you are buying multiple items. No minimums.
I’ve added swatch pictures that I found online for many of the products that have glimmer, shimmer or shifts. Hopefully this helps show how beautiful and unique these products are!
Eyeshadow Palettes
Ace Beaute Falling for You palette, BNNU, $15 $10
Beauty Bakerie Sugar Cookies palette, most colors used 2 or 3 times, 30 $20
Fantasy Cosmetica Bard palette, Never used but arrived with middle shade shattered. Retails for $38.99. $20
Juvia’s Place The Magic Minis , BNNU, $15 $10
Juvia’s Place The Zulu, 3 colors swatched, $12 $10
KimChi Chic Juicy Velvet palette; see swatch photos from Kimchi Site, BNNU, $12
Lethal Cosmetics Magnetic Pressed Powder Palette in Jolina, 3 or 4 colors swatched. $25
Menagerie Feral Palette, sold out, light usage, $25
Notoriously Morbid Aim With My Eye palette, 3 colors swatched. $16.00
Peach Queen We’re All Mad Here, 3 colors swatched. Sold out on site $20
Pink Crush Cosmetics Nocturnal Garden palette, brand new, $22
Pinky Rose Cosmetics Sunflower palette, most shades swatched once, $12
Pretty Vulgar Pretty Birdie, light use, $36 $10
Sigma x Beauty Bird Dream Palette, most colors swatched, comes with brush, $25
Sigma Warm Neutrals Vol. 2, 4 colors swatched, $15 $10
Sydney Grace Chase Your Dreams, 2 colors swatched, $18 $10
Sugarpill Capsule Collection in black and orange versions, each have a couple of colors swatched, $22 each or both for $40
Single eyeshadows, liners, etc.
About Face Matte Fluid Eye Paint (l - r) in It’s a Blitz and Vertigo Flowers. Swatched with clean, disposable brush. $11 each or both for $20
JD Glow cosmetics L-R: Galaxy liner in Nocturnal; glitter tube in Poise; galaxy liner in Facetime. Each used up to 3x with clean, disposable brush. Retail for $9-10. $4 each; all 3 for $10
Indie shadow large pans $3 each
JD Glow 37mm metallon shadow in Bestie, swatched, $7
JD Glow 37mm metallon shadow in Blue Avenue, swatched, $7
Give Me Glow foiled pigment in Anastasia, swatched, $6
Give Me Glow ultra matte pigment in Dramatic, BNNU, $6
Give Me Glow ultra matte pigment in Tan Lines, BNNU, $6
Moira Cosmetics Lucent Cream Eyeshadow, L-R Cosmos, Earth, Nimbus, each BNIB, $5 each or all 3 for $12
Semi-Loose pigments
These are jars with ¼-1 tsp of semi-loose pigment, some shimmers/metallics, some duo- or multichrome. I encourage you to look up swatches! All are BNNU; most still sealed.
Notoriously Morbid: $6 each
Alkali Lake Monster; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Casualties are Inevitable; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Collaborative Effort; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Stalking Scarecrows; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Spectrum Cosmetics: Aztec, Scale
Lips and Face
MBA Cosmetics Glossy Glaze in Miss Monroe, still sealed, seller image here. $7
Sydney Grace lip cream in Lacy, BNIB, $9
Indie Nail Polish all full size/15 ml unless otherwise indicated
Chaos and Crocodiles in Wishing Star Sky, probably a few years old. Swatch photo. $6
LynB Designs Fishing With No Bait, golden peach linear holo, used for one mani, $6 photo from blogger Naked Without Polish
LynB Designs, L - R Sage It Ain’t So, Rustworthy, Gamboge You Don’t, all BNNU from Tonally Awesome collection. See pictures from site of Rustworthy, and Gamboge You Don’t. $7 each, will bundle.
Moon Shine Mani Nail Polish. Click on shade for swatch photos. And Then There Were None , The Geller Cup, North by Northwest. BNNU, $8 each; will bundle multiples
~ ~
Again my perfume spreadsheet can be found here.
You can also check my sale on makeupexchange [listed here](https://old.reddit.com/makeupexchange/comments/13ue02sellus_to_anywhere10_palette_section_includes/.
Thank you!

Shipping is $5, US only (or Ajevie c/o for international). Minimum $10, please. Payment through PayPal G&S. I AM EAGER TO SWAP but also to sell. Any of the bottles are swap options, but I also have a section of bottles I'm only trying to swap vs. sell. Specific ISOs are on spreadsheet, but try me on other gourmands/lavenders, etc. Google doc spreadsheet for most up-to-date availability, fill-level details, notes, and samples: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1neHrNpxgv7Xk5GPaTJy2gqfomXmQqAz6pG3VkdhSYDM/edit?usp=sharing For Sale NEW Arcana Bermuda Triangle ($20) NEW Arcana Strawberries Crave Rococo ($14) BPAL Like Ghosts the Shadows Rise and Fall ($18) BPAL On Imagination ($18) BPAL Coffee Bean & Caramel ($26) NEW BPAL Pomegranate, Brown Sugar, & Tobacco ($25) NEW BPAL Cranberry, Honeyed Sandalwood, & Patchouli Root partial ($10) NAVA Mango Vanilla Ice Cream ($18) NAVA Raspberry Cardamom Chai ($22) NAVA Tabac Santal Ombre #31 ($20) Oil Perfumery Jo Malone Mimosa & Cardamom ($8) Solstice Scents Patches ($14) - For Swaps BPAL And Sing, And Sing Ashlultum Beauty, the Aggrieved Beaver Moon '21 Boney Was a Warrior Butter Rum Cookie (2013) Cacao & Oud Clown Footstool NEW Dies Patribus Dragon Moon 2008 Edge of Chaos: Chaos Theory IV (CDXCIII?) NEW Eve with Sage F*Up Gingerbread Zombi Gingered Chocolate Souffle Glukiprikos NEW Horn of Benediction The House In Hel We Feast on Sugar Packets NEW Lacus Solitudinus Le Revenant Lazy Daisy Lavender Buttercream Madeline Mr. Ibis Pumpkin Spice Antikythera Mechanism Slippery Poppy Tincture Sentence First, Verdict Afterwards Spirit Bridegroom Strawberry Sandalwood Third Charm NEW Through the Gloom the Sisters Rose TKO NEW We Wear the Mask - NAVA Byzantine Bat NEW Fig & Amber The Lion Polichenelle Summer Tea: Peach Cardamom Tamlane Vintage Dracula Vegas Vampire Red VV BIC Peaches & Cream BIC Mango Creme BIC Redwood & Myrrh FWP $35+ (mostly partials) BPAL Spirit Board BPAL From Sunset to Star Rise NEW Haloa (2007)

few years ago i didn't wish take it back person was broken it was me occur this punishment
i was wrong it was at any point it would explode me i am so sorry would of ever happened
i was so down i can't go back to sleep man i got up with darkness
i was on dark web mouse trap during in the drugs if i did you hurt feelings too
i was so plan with disturbing website i still had videos on YouTube villain and angry i had just done that
i clicked on a link a website called naughty list com i was on USB memory stick link her social media she was back just go to Pinterest there was sections of the website menu reindeer on the fireplace gingerbread train and arctic fields
the forum in the Christmas this is now dramatic dark punishment i know was the fruit cake it is like the 6 legs of the animals behind that turkey at xmas dinner i open it there was the cockroach on the turkey there was the bugs on the turkey i know saw the cockroach on the turkey the website menu button called roachmas
how if cockroach diet of gingerbread house and dead insects how if old computer with empty desktop and triangle sharp teeth with santa hat on it and snowman scarf on the screen after clicked on it i was go to the Pinterest before light mode of the website a bright white page of light mode loads up the black text boxes of numbers i was sign in to Facebook and Google and text read santa is fly swatter to town it was stupid message of insect control and pests for killing the fly and get rid of the fly it was name age and birthday links to in Pinterest write Jessica 42 and June 14 2006 on it i upload the video in the website you can upload the videos until January 3 2022 it was so enough
it also asked for the person ready to go i had finished to submit the website on the feedback which was recaptcha 4 images of traffic light go to control panel open the app and go to settings menu after a few seconds text box appeared are you sure that santa won't never forget it is not getting in December 25 2020 i pressed yes not no button i was redirects to the website page
it took off the few minutes then will call the police and get in the police car jail with security camera it said thank you for submitting naughty list they got no reindeer games for you it was cockroach on the Christmas star after done submits the naughty list so no nice list right now she put the bag on the Christmas coal it write on the box it said i am the naughty list i was go to dark web of Pinterest website link by dakota hatak 2016 it is true
the next morning i was look up cockroach in the house so if the cockroach stuck in the ear it is just santa claus so not a santa is a bus driver behind that bus front of the window and bus radio i ignore that deep web i was go to the website iceberg this video on YouTube got no comments at all
a few days later i was knock on the door give it to horse had the chocolate letters named j and lots of Christmas cookie it will take on the boat this is bullshit you are nut bull whatever you nut case this is a nut bull the police car arrived from my computer and security camera no Christmas for you at the time
he smashes the window around in 2 o clock then they turn TV on the security camera works in cam 3 there was error code named 403 forbidden i was go to hotel all the person was missing at the Christmas after getting naughty list for Christmas i check on the list it said i will be on the Christmas turkey shit it was hand front of the turkey bone with venus fly trap and hand turkey after call the police on him
the police check the security camera in the empty house so there is no computer in the up stairs watching the TV check on the creepy attic it is like the horror movie so the spikes on the stairs with dead cat on the table when did they check the computer turn it on log it in open the folder and look up the virus application click on it and it was just a cursed windows 8 it was after throw toys at TV and end it up in naughty list i buys the toys on the van get a grip with it
i had causes of the abandoned DVD store tons of DVDs and computers left behind with the retirement son i had done
you are naughty
nothing make it up with the torture lay on the mad scientist house bunch of tombstone in graveyard it was even with the coward

I have an extensive list of stuff I need. I’ll remove what I’m given from the list, and I’ll pay any reasonable price for the items (I really can only offer bells)
1 artisinal bug cage 2 Beach Chairs 1 beach chair with parasol 5 beekeepers hives 4 birdbaths 1 birdcage 6 bird houses 2 brick ovens 1 brick well 1 bonfire 2 campfires 2 campfire cookware 12 camping cots 1 campsite sign 1 deer scare 2 destination signpost 1 fish drying rack 1 fishing rod stand 4 flower beds 2 flower stands 1 garden faucet 6 garden lights 2 hammocks 1 hose wheel 2 lawn chairs 1 lawnmower 1 lighthouse 1 outdoor bath 1 outdoor picnic set 1 pergola 2 sandcastles 3 scarecrows 1 silo 10 stands 1 simple diy workbench 1 street organ 4 water pumps 2 western style stones 16 wheat fields 1 windmill 1 wood burning stove 1 wooden storage shed 2 books 1 Chessboard 1 Coffee grinder 1 Coffee cup 1 of every variation of coffee bean bag 1 siphon 1 cookies 6 cucumber horses 1 cutting board 1 frying pan 2 glass jars 1 ironing set 1 kettle 1 metronome 1 moss ball 1 old fashioned alarm clock 1 phonograph 2 recycled paper bundles 1 rovers briefcase 1 shopping bag 2 stacks of books 2 table settings 1 pi pie 1 (real) Academic painting 1 of every museum day plaque 1 bathroom towel rack 1 of every of the HHAs awards 1 broom and dustpan 1 insect poster 1 fishing poster 1 formal paper 1 framed art poster 1 framed fossil poster 1 framed deep sea creature poster 1 moms art 2 variations of moms embroidery 1 pot rack 1 paw print doorplate 2 wall mounted candles 1 bird mobile 1 candle chandelier 1 round light fixture 1 stained glass light
Please bring the full amount listed. (Ex: bring all the wall mounted candles at once instead of just one) again, willing to pay any REASONABLE price

HELLO! I HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN UNDERTALE AND I AM PLAYING IT WITH FLOWERY! AND IF YOU'RE ASKING WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRIEND, THEN THE ANSWER IS THE REAL FRIEND WAS THE PAPYRUS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY! YES, I HAVE FOOLED YOU INTO BELIEVING IT WAS A FRIEND THAT WANTED TO PLAY UNDERTALE, BUT IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! I'M SORRY FOR LYING, BUT I WANTED IT TO BE A SURPRISE!
SO I HAVE STARTED MY JOURNEY BY READING THE STORY ABOUT HUMANS AND MONSTERS, AND THEN I NAMED THE FALLEN HUMAN! IT WOULDN'T LET ME USE "PAPYRUS" SO I NAMED MYSELF "COOL"! AND THEN I SAW FRISK STARING AT ME ON A FLOWER BED, AND I CAN MOVE THEM! SO I GUESS FRISK IS WHO I SHALL PLAY AS!
I HAVE TRAVERSED INTO THE NEXT ROOM AND I MET FLOWERY! AND HE IS TEACHING ME ABOUT BATTLES AND LOVE, BUT THEN HE SHOOTS BULLETS AT ME SO I AVOID THEM UNTIL HE GETS VERY ANGRY AND TRIES TO KILL ME (VERY INACCURATE OF YOU, GAME!) BUT THANKFULLY, TORIEL HAS SAVED ME WITH THE POWER OF FIREBALLS, WHICH HOPEFULLY DIDN'T HURT FLOWERY TOO MUCH!
I'VE ARRIVED AT THE RUINS AND TOUCHED THE SHINY YELLOW SPINNING STAR THING, AND GOT FILLED WITH DETERMINATION FROM THE RUINS! I GUESS THAT'S HOW I SAVE! TORIEL SHOWS ME HOW PUZZLES WORK, WHICH I DIDN'T NEED HELP, BUT FRISK PROBABLY DID SO I'M GRATEFUL ANYWAY! A FEW SWITCHES FLIPPED LATER AND FRISK HAS ENTERED THEIR FIRST BATTLE! THE FIRST THING I NOTICED IS THE HUMAN DOESN'T HAVE A MAGIC OPTION, BUT I CAN WORK WITH THAT! FLOWERY SUGGESTED I SHOULD SPARE THE DUMMY OVER AND OVER, BUT THAT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING SO I TALKED TO IT INSTEAD AND TORIEL WAS PROUD OF ME! UNFORTUNATELY THE DUMMY WASN'T VERY INTERESTED IN TALKING WITH ME!
I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM, AND PREPARE FOR THE PUZZLE UP AHEAD THAT TORIEL HAS WARNED ME ABOUT! BEFORE I CAN READ THE SIGN ON THE WALL, I GET JUMPED BY A FROGGIT, SO I COMPLIMENT IT AND TORIEL SCARES IT AWAY (HOW RUDE!) I READ THE SIGN AND MEMORIZE THE CORRECT PATH, AND FLOWERY SAYS IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE TORIEL WILL HOLD MY HAND ANYWAY! INTERESTING HOW HE KNEW THAT, BUT HE IS GOOD AT PREDICTING THE FUTURE!
I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM AND TORIEL RUNS FROM ME, SO I RUN TO THE END OF THE ROOM AND FIND A PILLAR, WITH TORIEL HIDING BEHIND IT VERY POORLY, BUT I PRETEND TO NOT KNOW SHE'S THERE TO MAKE HER HAPPY! SHE RETREATS FROM THE PILLAR AND GIVES ME A CELL PHONE AND LEAVES! I THEN WAIT FOR TORIEL AND CALL HER SOMETIMES, BUT THEN I LEARN THE ANNOYING DOG IS HARASSING HER AND I LEAVE TO GO SAVE HER!
BUT AS SOON AS I LEAVE THE ROOM, TORIEL CALLS ME, SO I GUESS SHE HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL! FLOWERY REFUSES TO LET ME STAY IN THE OTHER ROOM, SO ONWARD I GO! I TALK TO A FROGGIT AND IT TELLS ME ABOUT MERCY! I GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION BY PLAYING THE LEAVES AND SAVE THE GAME! THEN I GO UP AND FIND A BOWL OF CANDY! FLOWERY SUGGESTS I STEAL ALL THE CANDY I CAN, BUT I ONLY TAKE ONE! I INSPECT THE CANDY, AND LEARN IT HEALS 10HP! INTERESTING!
I PREPARE TO LEAVE THE ROOM, BUT ANOTHER FROGGIT ATTACKS ME! I COMPLIMENT IT AND IT SHOOTS MAGIC FLIES AT ME, SO I DODGE THE MAGIC FLIES WITH EASE AND SPARE THE FROGGIT! THEN I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM AND FALL DOWN AND SEE TWO DOORS! FLOWERY URGES ME TO GO TO THE DOOR ON THE RIGHT, AND I GET ACROSS THE FALLING FLOOR AND ESCAPE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
AS SOON AS I WALK FORWARD, I GET A CALL FROM TORIEL WHO IS ASKING IF I PREFER CINNAMON OR BUTTERSCOTCH! FLOWERY SAYS IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH OPTION I CHOOSE BUT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY IT DOESN'T MATTER, SO I CHOOSE CINNAMON! I WALK FORWARD SOME MORE AND GET ANOTHER CALL FROM TORIEL, WHO IS NOW ASKING IF I DISLIKE BUTTERSCOTCH! I THEN FEEL BAD FOR LEAVING THE ROOM BECAUSE SHE HAS THANKED ME FOR BEING PATIENT, BUT FLOWERY STILL DOESN'T WANT ME TO GO BACK! I PUSH A ROCK A BIT AND THE SPIKES GO DOWN, BUT I GET ATTACKED BY A WHIMSUN, WHO LOOKS VERY AFRAID! I TRY TO CONSOLE IT, BUT IT RUNS AWAY! BEFORE I CAN LEAVE TO THE NEXT ROOM, TORIEL CALLS YET AGAIN, ASKING IF I HAVE ANY ALLERGIES! FRISK ASKS WHY SHE'S ASKING AND SHE SUSPICIOUSLY SAYS THERE'S NO REASON!
I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM, AND SEE A BUNCH OF FALLING-GROUND THINGS! FLOWERY GETS BORED OF WATCHING ME FALL OVER AND OVER AND HELPS ME WITH THE PUZZLE! BEFORE I CAN LEAVE TO THE NEXT ROOM, I GET ATTACKED BY A MOLDSMAL! I FLIRT WITH IT, AND WE HAVE A VERY MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION! THEN I SPARE IT, AND LEAVE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
I SEE 3 MORE ROCKS AND START PUSHING THEM OVER, BUT THE THIRD ROCK IS ALIVE! FRISK ASKS IT TO MOVE, AND IT DOES SOME TOMFOOLARY, BUT FINALLY I GET IT TO THE BUTTON! BUT THEN IT MOVES OFF THE BUTTON AS SOON AS I APPROACH THE SPIKES!!! I ASK IT TO STAY ON THE BUTTON, AND IT FINALLY UNDERSTANDS, AND I AM ABLE TO ESCAPE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
I FIND SOME CHEESE AND GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION FROM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE MOUSE MAY ESCAPE THE HOLE AND GET THE CHEESE, AND SAVE THE GAME! I INTERACT WITH THE HOLE AND THE MOUSE SQUEAKS AT ME! I THEN LEAVE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
I ENTER THE NEXT ROOM AND SEE NAPSTABLOOK PRETENDING TO TAKE A NAP! I TRY TO WAIT FOR THEM TO LEAVE, BUT THEY DON'T MOVE SO I UNFORTUNATELY HAVE TO MOVE THEM WITH FORCE! I CHOOSE TO CHEER AT THEM, AND FRISK SMILES AT THEM, WHICH NAPSTABLOOK FINDS FUNNY?? I GET HIT TRYING TO AVOID THE MAGIC TEARS AND CHEER AT NAPSTABLOOK ONCE MORE, AND FRISK TELLS THEM A JOKE! NAPSTABLOOK PULLS A SANS MOVE AND DOESN'T ATTACK, SO I CHEER ONCE MORE! NAPSTABLOOK TRANSFORMS INTO DAPPERBLOOK AND I CHEER ONCE AGAIN, AND WIN THE BATTLE! NAPSTABLOOK LEAVES AND I LEAVE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
I READ A SIGN AND IT TELLS ME ABOUT THE SPIDER BAKESALE, SO I GO BACK TO BUY SOMETHING, BUT I ONLY HAVE 3G! FLOWERY TELLS ME I SHOULD FIND MONSTERS AND SPARE THEM, AND THEY WILL GIVE ME MORE G! I GET HIT AGAIN, BUT I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A SPIDER DONUT, SO I GO BUY ONE AND INSPECT IT, AND LEARN IT HEALS 12HP! I THEN CONTINUE ON MY ADVENTURES! I ALSO SAVE AT THE MOUSE ROOM AGAIN, AND I AM AT FULL HP! HOW CONVENIENT!
I TALK TO THE FIRST FROGGIT IN THE ROOM, AND LEARN HOW TO GO INTO FULL SCREEN! AND THEN WE WONDER WHAT F4 STANDS FOR TOGETHER! I TALK TO THE SECOND FROGGIT IN THE ROOM, AND IT TELLS ME ABOUT YELLOW NAMES, WHICH AGAIN, I ALREADY KNOW, BUT FRISK DOES NOT, AND I AM THANKFUL FOR FROGGIT TELLING THEM! IT ALSO SAYS I WILL HAVE TO SPARE WITHOUT YELLOW NAMES, WHICH DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME AT THE TIME! I TRY TO LEAVE THE ROOM, BUT TORIEL CALLS ME AND TELLS ME TO LEAVE SPACE IN MY POCKETS FOR SOMETHING COOL I MIGHT WANT, AND I LEAVE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
I ENTER A ROOM AND LEARN I NEED TO FIND A SWITCH HIDDEN SOMEWHERE! FLOWERY TELLS ME TO LOOK AT THE TOP MIDDLE ONE LAST, SO I DO THAT AND FIND A RIBBON, NAPSTABLOOK, AND TWO VEGETOIDS! I INSPECT THE RIBBON AND PUT IT ON FOR EXTRA DEFENSES, AND BETTER LOOKS! I GET ATTACKED BY A MOLDSMAL AND A MIGOSP, AND I SPARE THEM WITH EASE, AND ESCAPE TO THE NEXT ROOM!
I FIND THREE PILLARS AND THREE DIFFERENTLY COLORED SWITCHES NEXT TO ALL OF THEM! THE SIGN SAYS THE ROOM IS GOING TO ROTATE, SO I MEMORIZE THE ROOM AND MOVE FORWARD! THE SIGN SAYS I SHOULD PRESS THE BLUE SWITCH, WHICH I REMEMBER IS BY THE FIRST PILLAR! BUT I GET ATTACKED BY TWO VEGETOIDS AND GET HIT! I ENTER THE NEXT ROTATION AND THE SIGN TELLS ME TO FLIP THE RED SWITCH, WHICH IS IN MY VISION! I FLIP THE SWITCH AND GET ATTACKED BY ANOTHER MOLDSMAL AND MIGOSP, AND SPARE THEM ONCE AGAIN! BY PROCESS OF ELIMINATION, I FIGURE OUT I NEED TO FLIP THE GREEN SWITCH, WHICH IS BEHIND ONE OF THE PILLARS! I LEAVE TO THE FIRST ROOM TO REFRESH MY MEMORY, AND AFTER SOME THINKING, I FIND THE GREEN SWITCH AND MOVE FORWARD!
I FINALLY ENTER A NEW ROOM, AND FIND TWO DIFFERENT PATHS! FLOWERY TELLS ME TO GO RIGHT, AND I FIND A FROGGIT, WHO TELLS ME TORIEL WAS HERE RECENTLY! I ALSO LEARN THAT FROGGIT IS INTIMIDATED BY TORIEL, WHICH IS STRANGE BECAUSE OF HOW KIND SHE IS! I GO UP TO FIND A GIANT CITY, AND A TOY KNIFE! I INSPECT THE TOY KNIFE, AND LEARN IT IS A DEADLY WEAPON, SO I DISCARD IT! I THEN GO TO THE OTHER PATH AND REUNITE WITH TORIEL! SHE HEALS ME AND TAKES ME TO HER HOME!
I ENTER TORIEL'S HOUSE AND SHE TELLS ME SHE WAS MAKING A PIE TO WELCOME ME TO THE UNDERGROUND! SHE ALSO TAKES ME TO MY NEW BEDROOM, WHICH I WILL BE STAYING IN FOR THE TIME BEING! I EXPLORE THE ROOM, AND FIND SHOES AND TOYS AND VARIOUS OTHER COOL ITEMS! I TURN THE LIGHTS OFF AND THE SONG TURNS INTO A MUSIC BOX VERSION! I THEN DECIDE NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO GO TO SLEEP, AND I WAKE UP TO A SLICE OF PIE SITTING ON THE FLOOR! HOW KIND OF TORIEL TO LEAVE THIS HERE! I INSPECT IT AND LEARN IT FULLY HEALS ME! THIS MUST BE A VERY VALUABLE ITEM! I LEAVE MY BEDROOM AND INSPECT THE PLANTS AND DRAWERS AND THE MIRROR! I ALSO FIND A LOCKED ROOM, AND A NOT LOCKED ROOM!
SO NATURALLY, I ENTER THE NOT LOCKED ROOM, AND LEARN IT IS TORIEL'S BEDROOM! INSIDE HER BEDROOM IS A BUCKET OF SNAILS, WHICH FLOWERY DESCRIBES AS "SURPRISINGLY GOOD", AND JUDGING BY HOW TORIEL TALKED ABOUT MAKING SNAIL PIE EARLIER, I'D SAY FLOWERY AND TORIEL EAT SNAILS! WHICH IS TOTALLY NORMAL, ACCORDING TO FLOWERY! I ALSO FIND TORIEL'S DIARY, AND DECIDE NOT TO READ IT TO RESPECT HER PRIVACY! I FIND THE MOST TSUNDERE OF PLANTS, CHAIRIEL, TORIEL'S BED, AND A BOOKSHELF THAT TELLS ME ABOUT TYPHA, OR WATER SAUSAGES! INTERESTING KNOWLEDGE! LASTLY, I FIND TORIEL'S SOCK DRAWER, AND I LEAVE THE ROOM!
I LEAVE THE HALLWAY AND INSPECT THE BOOKSHELF AND VERY OLD CALENDAR, AND THEN I TRY TO GO DOWNSTAIRS BUT TORIEL TELLS ME NOT TO! HOW SHE KNEW I WAS DOWN THERE, I HAVE NO IDEA. BUT ALAS, I MUSTN'T PLAY DOWNSTAIRS! I GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND FIND TORIEL READING A BOOK! I TALK TO HER, AND FRISK HAS THE OPTION TO ASK WHEN THEY CAN GO HOME?? FLOWERY TELLS ME TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING ELSE FIRST, AND SO I DO!
THE FIRE IS PLEASANTLY WARM, MUST BE MAGIC FIRE! I FIND A HISTORY BOOK ABOUT MONSTERS BEING TRAPPED BY THE BARRIER, AND ALSO I LEARNED ABOUT ASGORE'S INCREDIBLE NAMING SKILLS! I FIND SOME TOOLS THAT HAVE BEEN FILED DOWN, AND ENTER THE KITCHEN! INSIDE THE FRIDGE, THERE IS A BRAND-NAME CHOCOLATE BAR! THE SINK HAS WHITE FUR STUCK IN THE DRAIN, AND I CANNOT IMAGINE WHO'S FUR THAT BELONGS TO! I LOOK IN THE CUPBOARD TO FIND COOKIE CUTTERS FOR GINGERBREAD MONSTERS, TO WHICH FLOWERY SAYS HE REMEMBERS STEALING GINGERBREAD MONSTERS FROM TORIEL WITH THE MEDDLING CANINE ONE TIME, AND IT WAS A "BONDING EXPERIENCE", WHICH IS VERY NOT COOL OF FLOWERY, BUT I FORGIVE HIM! I FIND THE UPGRADED PIE, BUT IT'S SIZE INTIMIDATED FRISK AND I CANNOT GET IT! LASTLY, I FIND THE VERY CLEAN STOVETOP, AND LEARN FROM THE NARRATOR THAT TORIEL USES FIRE MAGIC TO COOK! INTERESTING METHODS, I PREFER USING NON-MAGIC FIRE, BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS!
I THEN TRY TO FIND ANYTHING ELSE TO LOOK AT, BUT FIND NOTHING. SO I AM UNFORTUNATELY FORCED TO ASK HOW TO LEAVE! BUT THEN TORIEL ASKS ME TO LISTEN TO HER BOOK ABOUT SNAILS AND I FEEL SUPER BAD, SO I LISTEN TO HER, AND I LEARN THAT SNAILS SOMETIMES FLIP THEIR DIGESTIVE SYSTEMS AS THEY MATURE! I DIDN'T NEED THAT KNOWLEDGE, BUT I HAVE IT NOW! AFTER SOME BOONDOGGLING, I GET THE COURAGE TO ASK HER HOW TO LEAVE, AND SHE RUNS AWAY! I LOOK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE, BUT I CAN'T FIND HER! I CALL HER, BUT SHE DOESN'T PICK UP!!
I FINALLY REALIZE THAT THE BASEMENT IS THE ONLY PLACE I HAVEN'T LOOKED, SO I GO DOWN THERE AND SEE TORIEL STANDING THERE! I WALK UP TO HER AND SHE TELLS ME SHE IS GOING TO DESTROY THE EXIT TO THE RUINS SO I CANNOT LEAVE! SHE TELLS ME TO GO UPSTAIRS BUT I HAVE TO CONVINCE HER TO LET FRISK ESCAPE, SO I CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD! TORIEL TELLS ME ABOUT HOW THE OTHER HUMANS THAT FELL DOWN HERE HAVE DIED TO ASGORE??? VERY INACCURATE YET AGAIN, GAME! BUT I DECIDE TO MOVE FORWARD ONCE MORE! TORIEL TELLS ME THIS IS MY FINAL WARNING, AND I CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD, AND SHE THROWS ME INTO BATTLE!
THE FIRST THING I DO IS TRY TO TALK HER OUT OF THIS, BUT FRISK CAN'T THINK OF ANY CONVERSATION TOPICS! IF ONLY I HAD BEEN THERE TO HELP!! TORIEL THROWS FIRE AT ME, AND I TRY TO CHECK HER FOR SOME EXTRA KNOWLEDGE! I LEARN TORIEL HAS 80 ATK AND 80 DEF, WHICH IS HIGHLY INTIMIDATING, BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP! I GET HIT BY HER NEXT ATTACK, AND I TRY TALKING YET AGAIN, BUT TO NO AVAIL! I TRY ONE FINAL TIME TO TALK, BUT FRISK JUST CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING!! I GET HIT TWO MORE TIMES AND AM BROUGHT DOWN TO 12HP!
EVENTUALLY, I SPARE HER, AND SHE REMAINS SILENT, BUT IT SHOWED TEXT THIS TIME! THAT MEANS I'M GETTING SOMEWHERE! I GET HIT ANOTHER 3 TIMES AND AM BROUGHT DOWN TO 3HP, SO I HEAL USING THE MONSTER CANDY! I CONTINUE SPARING HER, AND SHE STAYS SILENT, UNTIL EVENTUALLY SHE USES A QUESTION MARK! I SPARE HER YET AGAIN, AND SHE ASKS WHAT I AM DOING! I GET KNOCKED DOWN TO 7HP, BUT I CONTINUE SPARING! SHE TELLS ME TO ATTACK OR RUN AWAY, NONE OF WHICH I WILL BE DOING ANYTIME SOON! SHE ASKS WHAT I AM PROVING THIS WAY, AND I GET HIT, BUT LEARN SHE'S NOW ONLY DEALING 1 DAMAGE! I SPARE AGAIN, AND SHE TELLS ME TO FIGHT HER OR LEAVE, WHICH I AM STILL NOT DOING! I SPARE HER AGAIN, AND SHE TELLS ME TO STOP IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MORE TIMES I CAN TELL HER I'M NOT DOING THAT. SHE TELLS ME TO STOP LOOKING AT HER THAT WAY, BUT THAT'S FRISK'S FACIAL EXPRESSION, WHICH I CANNOT CONTROL! I SPARE HER AGAIN AND SHE TELLS ME TO GO AWAY! HOW RUDE. I SPARE AGAIN, AND SHE GOES SILENT AGAIN! I SPARE HER AGAIN, AND SHE LOOKS SAD, AND HER FIREBALLS ARE NOW AVOIDING ME! VERY SAD, BUT I'M DOING IT!
I SPARE HER AGAIN AND THE MUSIC CUTS OUT. SHE ASKS ME TO GO UPSTAIRS, BUT THE FLEE OPTION IS GONE. NOT THAT I WAS GOING TO USE IT ANYWAY. SHE TELLS ME SHE WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF ME HERE, AND I'M SURE SHE WILL, BUT FRISK CLEARLY WISHES TO RETURN TO THE SURFACE! SHE TRIES CONVINCING ME TO STAY. I CONTINUE SPARING HER, AND SHE ASKS ME WHY I AM MAKING THIS SO DIFFICULT. UNFORTUNATELY I CANNOT ANSWER. SHE ASKS ME TO GO UPSTAIRS, WHICH I DO NOT! SHE GOES QUIET AGAIN, AND STARTS LAUGHING! SHE THEN CALLS HERSELF PATHETIC, WHICH IS VERY NOT TRUE!! SHE GOES QUIET AGAIN, BUT SHE FINALLY AGREES TO LET FRISK GO!
THE BATTLE ENDS AND SHE TELLS ME TO NOT GO BACK TO THE RUINS! I WILL TRY TO CALL HER SOMETIMES WHILE ON MY JOURNEY! SHE THEN HUGS ME AND LEAVES! AND I DIDN'T CRY! I SWEAR! I THEN CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD, AND I MEET FLOWERY AGAIN, WHO SHAMES ME FOR SHOWING MERCY, AND LAUGHS AT ME! BUT NOW I KNOW HIS PLAN ISN'T REGICIDE, SO THAT'S GOOD! I THEN WALK INTO THE DOORWAY AND READ THE CREDITS! AND THEN I ARRIVE AT SNOWDIN, BY THE GIANT DOOR!
I WALK FORWARD AND GET HARASSED BY SOMEONE'S SILHOUETTE! I REACH THE BRIDGE AND STARE AT THE SILHOUETTE AND IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S SANS! VERY INACCURATE AGAIN, GAME! I MET THE HUMAN FIRST! BUT THIS IS SOMETHING SANS WOULD DO, SO ALSO ACCURATE IN A WAY! FRISK SHAKES SANS' HAND AND HEARS THE WHOOPEE CUSHION! SANS THEN ACTIVELY DOESN'T DO HIS JOB, AND SOMEHOW GOES THROUGH THE BARS, SAYING THEY'RE "too wide to stop anyone", WHICH IS VERY NOT TRUE! THOSE BARS STOPPED EVERYONE!
FRISK HIDES BEHIND THE LAMP AND A VERY HANDSOME AND COOL SKELETON RUNS ON-SCREEN! I ALSO WATCH THE SAME CONVERSATION I HAD WITH SANS THAT ONE TIME PLAY OUT, SO GOOD JOB FOR BEING ACCURATE, GAME! BUT ALSO HOW DOES THE GAME KNOW ABOUT THAT?? ALSO, IT JUST DAWNED ON ME THAT SANS WAS HELPING ME WITH HIS GOOFY ANTICS??? ANYWAY, FLOWERY AND I LAUGH AT MY PUN, BOO AT SANS' PUNS, AND CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD! SANS ASKS THE HUMAN TO SHOW THEMSELF TO ME TO CHEER ME UP, AND IF SANS REALLY DID THAT, I THANK YOU BROTHER! IT DID IN FACT CHEER ME UP! AND THEN SANS LEAVES, AND SO DO I!
I GET FILLED WITH DETERMINATION BY THE LAMP'S CONVENIENCE AND SAVE THE GAME! AND THAT IS WHERE I SHALL STOP PLAYING FOR NOW, BECAUSE I NEED TISSUE! BECAUSE! I AM NOT CRYING!! I JUST HAVE SOMETHING STUCK IN MY EYE AND NEED TO GET IT OUT!! I SHALL PLAY UNDERTALE AGAIN LATER! I HAD A LOT OF FUN, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS VERY INACCURATE SOMETIMES!
-NYEHFULLY YOURS, PAPYRUS AND FLOWERY

I have an extensive list of stuff I need. I’ll remove what I’m given from the list, and I’ll pay any reasonable price for the items (I really can only offer bells)
1 artisinal bug cage 2 Beach Chairs 1 beach chair with parasol 5 beekeepers hives 4 birdbaths 1 birdcage 6 bird houses 2 brick ovens 1 brick well 1 bonfire 2 campfires 2 campfire cookware 12 camping cots 1 campsite sign 1 deer scare 2 destination signpost 1 fish drying rack 1 fishing rod stand 4 flower beds 2 flower stands 1 garden faucet 6 garden lights 2 hammocks 1 hose wheel 2 lawn chairs 1 lawnmower 1 lighthouse 1 outdoor bath 1 outdoor picnic set 1 pergola 2 sandcastles 3 scarecrows 1 silo 10 stands 1 simple diy workbench 1 street organ 4 water pumps 2 western style stones 16 wheat fields 1 windmill 1 wood burning stove 1 wooden storage shed 2 books 1 Chessboard 1 Coffee grinder 1 Coffee cup 1 of every variation of coffee bean bag 1 siphon 1 cookies 6 cucumber horses 1 cutting board 1 frying pan 2 glass jars 1 ironing set 1 kettle 1 metronome 1 moss ball 1 old fashioned alarm clock 1 phonograph 2 recycled paper bundles 1 rovers briefcase 1 shopping bag 2 stacks of books 2 table settings 1 pi pie 1 (real) Academic painting 1 of every museum day plaque 1 bathroom towel rack 1 of every of the HHAs awards 1 broom and dustpan 1 insect poster 1 fishing poster 1 formal paper 1 framed art poster 1 framed fossil poster 1 framed deep sea creature poster 1 moms art 2 variations of moms embroidery 1 pot rack 1 paw print doorplate 2 wall mounted candles 1 bird mobile 1 candle chandelier 1 round light fixture 1 stained glass light
Please bring the full amount listed. (Ex: bring all the wall mounted candles at once instead of just one) again, willing to pay any REASONABLE price

🌼 Hi everyone 🌼
Freebie(s) with every purchase of at least $5
I am open to reasonable offers/haggling/bundles etc.
I’ll likely swap for stuff on my (small) wish list, but I am happy to take a look at any destash lists.
I have samples from Alkemia, Arcana, Astrid, BPAL, Deconstructing Eden, Fortune Cookie Soap, Fyrinnae, Hexennacht, Immortal Perfumes, Luvmilk, Nui Cobalt, Olympic Orchids, Osmofolia, Poesie, Possets, Siren Song Elixirs, Stereoplasm, Solstice Scents, Sugar and Spite

• Shipping is $5
• I reuse packaging
• Samples have been tested at leastonce (directly on skin) unless otherwise stated
• Smoke-free, cat-friendly home
• I will likely include freebies (stickers, tea, samples), so tell me if you don’t want anything!
• Freebies at the bottom of destash list

I will list the samples below, and there is info on size and pricing HERE in my spreadsheet. (If you get bored and peruse my master list, I’m open to selling most stuff rated 3 and below)

ALKEMIA

• Lilacs along the winding drive Slink $3.00

ARCANA

• Chai layering note 1 ml decant $3.00

ASTRID

• Whinnies 8 Slink $2.00

BPAL

• Go Hawks! Slink $2.00

DECONSTRUCTING EDEN

• Alyssum House 2.5 ml sprayer, half full $1.00

FORTUNE COOKIE SOAP

• Best Day Ever 2 ml $3.00

FYRINNAE

• Kitten Tummies Slink $2.00
• The Marshmallow Prince 1.5 ml roller $3.00

IMMORTAL PERFUMES

• Jane Eyre 1 ml $2.00

LUVMILK

• Magical Girl body spray 1 oz, sprayed 1x $4
• Timid Kitten goat milk lotion (light purple) 4 oz, used 1x $6

NUI COBALT

Take them all for $12

• Arctic Fox Slink, 3/4 full $2.00
• Daughter of the Dark Moon Slink $3.00
• Diamonds in the Snow Slink $3.00

OSMOFOLIA

• Deeper Than Reason 1 ml jar $3.00

POESIE

POSSETS

• Cri de Couer Slink $2.00

SIREN SONG ELIXIRS

• As the World Falls Down $2.00

SOLSTICE SCENTS

• Smokey Mountain Mallow slink $3.00

STEREOPLASM

• Perdotmint 1.8 ml $2

I also have some other Stereoplasm samples, if anyone cares I’ll try to list them

Stone and Wit

• Cipher 1 ml $3.00

FREEBIES

• Frida 1 ml rollerball decant
• Fluff

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1cPswJ2WTYKR3TDU5DMH3TOJ-WvNvjD6wlmmT2V_k0U0/edit

Hello and welcome to my destash! The list just keeps on growing - about a hundred more additions since my last post 2 weeks ago! I am selling the majority of my Poesie collection (40 FS bottles alone, and twice as many 2mLs & samples), and am now offloading a lot of Arcana FS that I don’t reach for. I also added about two dozen new Arcana Craves decantables, including the new Frillseekers Collection ($5.00/mL, comes in jar w reducer). All new additions marked with a ⭐️!
🎈 A plethora of Poesie (almost 100 options), Arcana (almost 50 options), Alpha Musk (40 options), NAVA (75 options including many Spring 2023 releases and Eternal Ankhs, plus 2 unused eNVie samples), Alkemia (20 options), PULP Fragrance (10 full size bottles), Solstice Scents (17 options, mostly FS discontinued), Haus of Gloi (15 options), and so, so much more!
Other houses represented include Astrid, Alchemic Muse, Andromeda's Curse, Black Baccara, Blood Moon Botanica, BPAL, Death and Floral, Darling Clandestine, Deconstructing Eden, Fantome, Fyrinnae, Hagroot, Hexennacht, Moonalisa, Osmofolia, Nui Cobalt, Pineward, Possets, Siren Song Elixirs, Sixteen92, Sorcellerie Apothecary, Stereoplasm, Sucreabeille, Snowy White Owl, Whisper Sisters, Wylde Ivy, and others. 🎈
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Click here to view my spreadsheet!
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1P7e9eQaZ8zfztiYp1_ZHSmXC7yN3xbKDNkGQ328HWKs/edit?usp=sharing
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IMPORTANT INFO AT A GLANCE:
-There are 3 tabs on my spreadsheet:
Indie FS and House Sample Perfumes;
Custom Indie Decants,
Niche/Mainstream Perfumes
-Shipping to the US is a flat $4.25, while shipping to CAN and EUR will be quoted but usually ranges from $14-$16. I usually ship within 3-4 days, and will pack your perfumes with much love, care, and bubble wrap!😊
Spreadsheet link again — https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1P7e9eQaZ8zfztiYp1\_ZHSmXC7yN3xbKDNkGQ328HWKs/edit?usp=sharing
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DECANT DEALS:
- 5mL rollerball decants of PULP Fragrance oils for $16 (choices include An Accidental Interloper, Luna Violacea, New Snow Moon. Plus, I have house 5mL amber bottles available in scents Hauntology and Mark of the Moon for $16 also — both BNNU!)
- 5mL rollerball decants of Wylde Ivy EDPs for $10 (choices include Chasing Dreams, Honeysuckle Sun, Mist & Moonlight and Lovesick & Undead)
- 5mL rollerball decants of Solstice Scents EDPs for $16 (choices include EDPs of Foxcroft and Witch/s Cottage)
- 5mL rollerball decants of Haus of Gloi EDPs for $9 (choices include Forest Rain, Haus Amber At Midnight, Haus Birthday, Hearth, Pumpkin Eater, Red Roan, Real Coal, Snow Wolf, Silver Bells)
- 5mL rollerball decants of Alkemia Alcohol-free EDPs for $13 (choices include Frondescence and Fireflies in the Garden)
- 5mL rollerball decants of CocoaPink EDPs for $8 (choices include Lipstick Stains in SMAT strength)
A note about decants: Accuracy and cleanliness are my highest priorities when decanting. I take it extremely seriously, and complete a series of confirmation checks to ensure that every single decant is filled to the correct volume – not even a drop less! My decants will generally come in screw top jars with a reducer and printed, easy-to-read labels. The following brands will come in vials instead of jars (unless you get 2mLs or more, in which case they’ll come in jars): Alpha Musk, Death & Floral, Possets, Haus of Gloi, and Hexennacht. I ensure that my materials and working space are kept very clean. I decant with disposable, single-use 1mL pipettes and check my work twice with a scale to ensure accurate fill level.
—————————————————————————-
​
Here is just a small sampling of what is available, there is so much more on the spreadsheet! For most updated availability, please check the spreadsheet first, as that is updated regularly & is most accurate!
Poesie FS and house samples:
Ada Lovelace FS ⭐️
Aditi FS ⭐️
Anne of Cleves FS ⭐️
Artemis EDP (Parfum Extrait) FS
Borrowed Sugar EDP (Parfum Extrait) FS partial ⭐️
Boudicca FS ⭐️
Brooding Wings FS
Castle Dracula FS
Crowned FS
Cybele FS partial ⭐️
Cybele EDP (Parfum Extrait) FS partial ⭐️
Danann Fein FS ⭐️
Daydreams EDP (Parfum Extrait) FS
Demimonde FS ⭐️
Desert Goblin FS ⭐️
Echo FS ⭐️
Fan Dance FS ⭐️
Folly of Love FS ⭐️
Headmaster FS
Illuminated FS
Just Like Heaven FS partial
Marie Curie FS ⭐️
Medusa FS
Mysterious Fossils EDP (Parfum Extrait) FS
Perfect Happiness FS ⭐️
Poison Pen Lane FS ⭐️
Radiant FS
Rentimei FS ⭐️
Ritual EDP (Parfum Extrait) FS partial ⭐️
Scholomance FS ⭐️
Shield Maiden FS
Strawberry Party FS ⭐️
The Empress FS
The Perfect Tree FS (2 available)
Thought & Memory FS
Tiny Phantom FS
Two Dances With Darcy FS
Winter Idyl FS
Young Romantics FS ⭐️
A Thousand Warriors (labelled as Tomoe Gozen) 2mL ⭐️
Alice Ball 2mL
Anne of Cleves 2mL
Better Merry Than Wise 2mL ⭐️
Byronic Hero 2mL
Christmas Magic 2mL
Clara 2mL
Curiouser and Curiouser 2mL
Daydreams 2mL
Dessert First 2mL
Desert Goblin 2mL
Fan Dance 2mL
Gingerbread Kittens 2.3mL chonk
Knightley 2mL
Lagniappe IX 2mL
Lagniappe VIII 2mL
Magnolia Black Tea 2mL
Morning Mayhem 2mL
Nutcracker Prince 2mL
Opening Chapter 2mL
Opening Chapter 2mL
Plaid Shirt 2mL
Queen Bee 2mL
Queen of Hearts 2mL
Seelie Court 2mL ⭐️
Strange Unearthly Thing 2mL
The Perfect Tree 2mL
Tomoe Gozen (A Thousand Warriors) 2mL ⭐️
Waltz of the Snowflakes 2mL
Watson 2mL (2 available)
Year Without Summer 2mL
Black Cat Cuddles
Boudicca
Comfort
Daydreams
Demimonde (2 available)
Elizabeth ⭐️
Glowing ⭐️
Goblin King ⭐️
Hoyden (2 available) ⭐️
Jo
Komako Kimura
Poison Pen Lane (2 available)
Lush ⭐️
Medusa
Northmen ⭐️
Ritual ⭐️
Shire Yuletide (2 available) ⭐️
Something Fierce
Tempus Fugit ⭐️
Windsor
Woman Triumphant
Worth a Stare
Yet to be Written ⭐️
​
Alkemia FS and house samples:
Amour Conjure FS
Arcanum Experiments 2017 #16 FS
De La Foret FS
Forest Rose FS
From The Altar of a Forest Temple (Private Reserve) FS ⭐️
La Sirena FS partial
Temptation FS ⭐️
Vanille Vert (Vintage Reserve) FS partial ⭐️
Yuletide Blessing FS
Evil Temptress
From The Altar of a Forest Temple
Hearthstone
La Flamme
Sea Goddess
Temptation
The Sybilla (Ultime)
Vixen (beautifully aged batch, long discontinued)
​
Alkemia decantables ($4/mL):
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED, plus the following
Fireflies in the Garden (alcohol free EDP)
Frondescence (alcohol free EDP)
June Rainbow Alchemy
​
Alpha Musk FS and house samples:
Amber Rose FS
Aretha FS
Baby Hairs FS
Beastress FS
Celestial Musk FS partial
Cristille FS
Dreaming of the Past FS
Fling FS
Hard Luck FS
Invisible Ink FS
Madame Moustache FS
Orange FS
Orange Blossom to the Tune of Jo Mo FS partial
Ovary FS
Pass The Jug FS
Ruthless Ruby FS
Slivered FS
Stone Musk FS
Sunshine Musk FS
Swedish Erotica FS
The Noble Sloth FS
Velvet Fir FS
Whispers at the Altar FS
Dolly 3mL dram
Melt 3.7mL dram
Rose Myrrh Musk Soda Pop 2mL dram
The Naked Witch 1.5mL dram
After Dinner Mints
Alice in Her Uniform
Blue Dew
Bubbly Amber
Cheery
Cup of Tea Musk
Deep Throat
Flustered
Hair Flip
Idle Ideals
Lazy Bear
Poe
Stone Musk
Suntan Musk
Sweet Dreams
Traces Left Behind
Trash Panda
Vacation Sex
Vroom
​
Alpha Musk Decantables ($3.50/mL):
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED, plus the following:
Greige
​
Alchemic Muse FS and house samples:
Gillyflower FS
Temptation FS
Phantasm
​
Andromeda’s Curse FS and house samples:
Firefly Hollow FS
Hex FS
Unicorn
​
Arcana Wildcraft FS and house samples:
Note that any FS can be decanted at $5/mL!
Black Sand FS ⭐️
Crossing FS
Forest Witch FS
Gideon FS ⭐️
Grainne Mhaol FS
Isolde FS ⭐️
Jinx FS ⭐️
Love FS ⭐️
Maman Brigitte FS ⭐️
Mountain Witch FS
Nott FS ⭐️
Persephone’s Flowers FS 10mL
Skookum FS ⭐️
Waterfall FS partial
Ala ⭐️
Delicatus ⭐️
Freyja ⭐️
Her Forest ⭐️
Herne ⭐️
Snow Witch: Embers ​
Spark ⭐️
​
Arcana Wildcraft decantables ($5/mL):
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED, plus the following:
Cascadian Mermaid ⭐️
Come to Me ⭐️
Sif ⭐️
Trust ⭐️
Arcana Craves FS:
Note that all FS listed below can be decanted at $5 per mL!
Black Musk Layering Note FS
Blueberries Crave Black Cats FS partial ⭐️
Honey Craves Festivals FS ⭐️
Moss Layering Note FS ⭐️
Pumpkins Crave Wraiths FS ⭐️
Pumpkins Crave Viola FS ⭐️
Strawberries Crave Nyx FS partial ⭐️
Strawberries Crave Summer FS ⭐️
​
Arcana Craves decantables ($5/mL):
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED, plus the following:
Apples Crave Flora ⭐️
Apples Crave Leafy Seadragons ⭐️
Apples Crave Resins ⭐️
Apples Crave The Tropics ⭐️
Blueberries Crave Garden Parties ⭐️
Fresh Coconut Layering Note
Honey Craves Fairy Rings ⭐️
Honey Craves Paradise ⭐️
Lemon Shortbread Layering Note ⭐️
Peaches Crave Mambo ⭐️
Peaches Crave Mermaidcore ⭐️
Pumpkins Crave Quietude ⭐️
Red Lipstick Layering Note
Strawberries Crave Waterfalls
Vanilla Craves Crescent Moons
Vanilla Craves Forest Rituals ⭐️
Whipped Cream Layering Note ⭐️
​
Astrid FS and house samples:
Chalet FS ⭐️
Dreaming of October FS partial
Merci 26 FS partial
Nostalgic FS partial
Trinkets and Feathers FS
Rouge Fumee
Sugared Decay
Woods Whispering About You Fondly (2 available)​
​
Astrid Decantables ($4/mL or $7 for 2mL):
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED, plus the following:
Tea Time
​
Balefire Apothecary FS:
Valkyrie
​
Black Baccara FS:
​Conifer Farm FS partial
​
Blooddrop FS:
A Multitude of Stars on a Hot Summers Night
The Restless Mare
​
Blood Moon Botanica FS and samples:
Samhain Night FS
Autumn Camp
​
BPAL FS and house samples:
V’al Hanissim Yule 2019 FS
Anubis ⭐️
Aunt Caroline's Joy Mojo
Cleric (RPG Series) ⭐️
Delight
Eclipse
Snap Dragon Fly
The Ghost
Ut Ameris, Amabilis Esto
White Rabbit ⭐️
Yemaya
​
CocoaPink decantables:
Lipstick Stains EDP 5mL rollerball decant
​
Darling Clandestine FS bottles:
Monstre Delicat (2022 formula)
Serpentina
​
Deconstructing Eden 5mL bottles and house samples:
Aine 5mL partial
Cross My Heart 5mL partial
It Can't Rain All The Time 5mL rollerball decant
Pisces 5mL partial
The Bride 5mL partial
The Nice List 5mL partial
Solace
Under The Mistletoe
​
Deconstructing Eden Decantables ($6.00 for 2mLs):
In The Gloaming
It Can't Rain All The Time
Pumpkins Revenge
​
Death & Floral FS and house samples:
Decomposing Roses For A Decomposing Romance (rice bran oil base) FS
Deer Deer Deer FS
Lavender Sprite FS
With the Fishes and the Dead FS
Yellow Rose EDP FS
Coconut Chia Seed Pudding (discontinued)
​
Death & Floral Decantables ($5.00 for 2mL):
Swamp Elixir EDP
The People You Love Become Ghosts EDP
Yellow Rose EDP
​
Fantome FS:
Madame d’Esperance 10mL roller ⭐️
​
Fyrinnae FS and house samples:
Isle of the Dead FS
Jungle Cat FS
Border Collie
Danse Macabre
​
Haus of Gloi FS and house samples:
Black Musk, Red Ginger, & Clove FS
Ferntree Gully FS
Hearth FS
Iced Resin FS
Lumps of Coal FS
Mama’s Haus FS
Nag Champa FS
Precious Resins and Snowy Fir FS
Iced Resin FS
Priestess FS
​
Haus of Gloi Retired Catalog Decantables ($4.00/mL):
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED, plus the following:
Iced Earth
Portland Rain
Winter Rain
​
Haus of Gloi EDP Decantables ($3.00/mL or $9.00 for 5mL roller):
Come Hither EDP
Depravity EDP
Forest Rain EDP
Haus Amber At Midnight EDP
Haus Birthday EDP
Hearth EDP
Pumpkin Eater EDP
Real Coal EDP
Red Roan EDP
Silver Bells EDP
Snow Wolf EDP
​
Hagroot FS and drams:
Haunted Rose 3.7mL dram
New Orleans 3.7mL dram
​
Hexennacht FS and house samples:
Black Musk FS
Fougere Accord EDP (Parfum Extrait) FS
Espiritismo 4mL square dram
Nicotine 3.7mL dram
Strychnine 3.7mL dram ⭐️
Green Musk
Killer Queen (2 available)
Morphine
Prehnite
Rhubarb & Custard ⭐️
​
Independents Warsaw 10mL sprays (partials):
Cantaloupe and Iso e Super EDP
Neroli, Iso e Super, and Ambroxan EDP
Sweety Summer and Iso e Super EDP
Sylvamber and Iso e Super EDP
​
Moonalisa FS bottles:
Cranberry Spiced Cookie
Sugared Forest
​
NAVA FS and samples:
Afternoon Tea Cat FS partial ⭐️
Alchemist Musk Crypta Obscura Half Bottle 🌸
Amethyst (Studio Limited) FS partial
Artemisia Crypta Obscura Half Bottle
Bastet's Potion Studio No. 113 FS
Bewitched Crypta Obscura Half Bottle
Breath of Gods: Ra Crypta Obscura Half Bottle 🌸
Cardamom & Anise Tea Crypta Obscura Half Bottle 🌸
Crimson (Studio Limited) (Aged batch) FS partial
Crystalline # 7 Crypta Obscura Half Bottle🌸
Dragon’s Eye FS partial
Ederra FS partial ⭐️
Eternal Ankh Purpurite FS
Eternal Cairo FS
Eternal Nile FS
Haunted Castle Crypta Obscura Half Bottle
Hat en Tjhenu FS ⭐️
Isis FS
Krimson ⭐️
Magnifique FS
Mr Belgraves FS
NAliday Tree 2021 FS
Neon Vampire FS
Shield FS
Strength FS partial
Sucre Crypta Obscura Half Bottle 🌸
Yulunga FS
Bastet’s Caramel Swirl 2mL house sample
Egyptian Musk & Santalum Deux 2mL house sample ⭐️
Eternal Aswan 2mL house sample
Hadean Eon 2mL house sample
Heliotrope Crystalline 2mL house sample
Ice Cream and Summer Rose 2mL house sample
Jack o Lantern 2mL house sample ⭐️
Nikolav 2mL house sample
Nut & Geb (Meditations W The Gods) 2mL house sample
Papaya White Santalum 2mL house sample
Ptah 2mL house sample
Raspberry Cream and Roses 2mL house sample
Royal Sandalwood: Jasmine 2mL house sample ⭐️
Solaris 2mL house sample
Symbiosis 2mL house sample (partial)
Tibetan Santalum 2mL house sample (partial) ⭐️
Vetiver & Woods 2mL house sample ⭐️
Amethyst (Studio Limited)
Amulet ⭐️
Bastet Amber Solar Summer ⭐️
Bastet's Bewildering Contessa Biscuit ⭐️
Beauty’s Where You Find It
Blue Topaz (Studio Limited) ⭐️
Cemetery Snow ⭐️
Crimson Elixir
Crystalline # 2 ⭐️
Dionysus ⭐️
Envie Exclusif - Saphir Soir ⭐️ 💎
Envie Exclusif - Saphir Indira ⭐️ 💎
Eternal Ankh Azurite ⭐️
Eternal Ankh Purpurite
Eternal Ankh Lapis Lazuli ⭐️
Eternal Ankh Rose de Mai ⭐️
Forest Musk ⭐️
Go Halainn ⭐️
Hat en Tjhenu
Indigo (Studio Limited)
Indigo / Crystalline Deux
Loveasaurus ⭐️
Orchid Yellow
Pink Lemonade Tropical Fish
Pink Quartz (Studio Limited) ⭐️
Purple Musk ⭐️
Royal Sandalwood Jasmine
Royal Sandalwood Rose
Smoked Tea and Amber Resin
Solaris
Sommeil l'Ete '22 ⭐️
Tobacco Musk
​​
PULP Fragrance FS and house samples:
An Accidental Interloper FS 10mL roller bottle
Cathedral of Trees 4mL roller ⭐️
Embrace 4mL roller ⭐️
Fortune Favors 4mL roller ⭐️
Hauntology FS 6mL amber bottle
Luna Violacea FS 10mL roller ⭐️
Mark of the Moon FS 6mL amber bottle
New Snow Moon FS 10mL roller bottle
Sanctuary FS 4mL roller ⭐️
Still Life FS 4mL roller
When What to My Wandering Eyes FS 4mL roller partial
Accidental Interloper
Hallowed Ground
​
PULP Fragrance Decantables ($4.5/mL):
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED in smaller 1mL units as well!
​
Sixteen92 FS and house samples:
0001 Cemetery Lane EDP 10mL partial ⭐️
Erineyes FS partial
Ex Tenebris Lux (from original release) FS partial
Lafayette Cemetery No 1 FS
Strigoi FS partial
The Island of The Dolls (From original 2016 release) FS partial
Wise Blood FS
Aquila
Be Careful What You Wish For
Blanket of the Dark (From original 2016 release)
Bridget Bishop (Premium)
Laudanum (Premium)
Les Fleurs de Mal (Premium)
Lyra
Really Most Sincerely Dead! ⭐️
​
Sixteen92 Decantables ($4.50/mL):
All of the FS listed above are decantable, plus:
0001 Cemetery Lane EDP
El Cucuy
Gryla
The Romance of Certain Old Clothes EDP
​
Solstice Scents FS and house samples:
Coquina ⭐️
Devils Milhopper FS partial ⭐️
Farmhouse in Summer FS ⭐️
First Flush FS
Flowers Nocturnal FS partial
Gulf Breeze FS
Monarch FS 10mL ⭐️
Night Watcher FS
Outpost FS partial ⭐️
Riverside Hayride FS 10mL ⭐️
Rose Leather FS
Solstice Kyphi FS
Heart of the Night
Manor EDP
Old Havana
​
Solstice Scents Decantables ($4.50/mL)
Special deal! Buy a 5mL decant rollerball of any EDP for $16!
ALL FULL SIZES LISTED ABOVE CAN BE DECANTED, plus the following
Foxcroft EDP
Witches Cottage EDP
​
Stereoplasm FS and house samples (pocket rollers and screw top vials:
Lasseiz Faire FS (4.5mL) ⭐️
Monster Frog FS (4.5mL) ⭐️
Golden Hour FS (4.5mL)
Blue Magpie
Comet Corn
Dark Dark
Mogwai
Tamias (Chipmunk)
The Green Ribbon
Venusian Moon
​
Strange Fire & Fumery FS bottles:
Swallow
​
Sucreabeille FS and samples:
Atlantis FS
Azrael FS
Chthulu (Elder God) FS
The Kraken FS
​
Wylde Ivy FS and samples:
​Chasing Dreams 5mL decant
Barefoot in the Garden (Perfume oil version) FS roller
Honeysuckle Sun 5mL decant
Lovesick and Undead 5mL decant
Mist and Moonlight 5mL decant
Pumpkin Ambre
​
Whisper Sisters FS:
Cellar - LE discontinued
Cirque du Condamne
Dominula
Gamayun
Smitten Kitten
The Witch
Velvet Heart
Winter Rose
​
Spreadsheet link again — https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1P7e9eQaZ8zfztiYp1_ZHSmXC7yN3xbKDNkGQ328HWKs/edit?usp=sharing

The scene Begins At the hospital while Miguel looks at Bonnie
Annie: Miguel i am so sorry .. How how could my brother do something horrible like this? why did i stay with him all this time
Miguel: Don't blame yourself Ann i always thought being alongside you give me a chance and thats the truth
Annie: But im the one at fault for this
Miguel: If you think that then your just another one of his victims
Annie: What?
He then hears hovering noises And rushes off
Annie: Don't you have to stay with your girlfriend?
Miguel: I became a Monster just for Bonnie so for now all i can do is battle
He runs off and hops in his bike to see where the parasite or monster is at
He then sees a little boy named Jakie riding his scooter suddenly the parasite then jumps on Jakie
Jakie: Aaaah got off me help!
Miguel then punches the parasite but it runs away Miguel then chases it
Miguel: Run run kid run!
Miguel then finds the Monster inside the portal which he brings out his Monster Deck to transform! Jakie then watches shim being in total shock
Jakie: Wow
Coyote then starts to fight the Parasite he uses his sword to slash it and then kick it in the stomach the parasite then spits acid but Coyote then dodges
Meanwhile
Bonnie is still in the doctors and is still getting medical attention
The scene cuts back to Coyote fighting off the Parasite he then kicks it and slashes it again but it then decides to leave
Coyote then turns back into Miguel leaving the fight
The scene cuts to Annie visiting her old house
She then finds Darwinian with the evil Brawlers
Darwinian: Annie why involve yourself in the Monster war? you don't listen is that it
Annie doesn't say a thing
Frost Fox: He answered you a question aren't you going to reply!?
War Hawk: Settle down Frost
Annie: Why? This is just too much its cruel If Bonnie dies then how will Miguel feel?
Darwinian: All that awaits for a Brawler who has lost their goal to fate and thats that
Annie: And i still thought you had a soul from your past but i guess not
Annie then starts destroying things in his room Which the Brawlers try to stop her
Darwinian: Annie stop this stop!
Krakken tries to hold her back but Annie pushes away . The parasites and More evil brawlers then show up on the screen
Annie: I've had enough if you want to battle that bad then make me a brawler!
She continues to wreck things until Darwinian uses his true power to cause a wave knocking her down Which leaves a scratch on her shoulder
Annie: Whats your end game here Darwinian?
Darwinian: With this Power i can either become a god or devil you have that power to peer through portals
Annie: No way
Darwinian: And if you get in my way i'll have my Monsters Destroy you
Annie: I can't believe you say that
Darwinian fades away
Lama Rama: Just don't do anything foolish
The Monster brawlers fade too
Darwinian enters the Portal and holds God like Monster decks
The scene cuts to Miguel riding his bike and making a call
Miguel: So how's Bonnie holding up?
Dr Fredrick: Yes quite alright just stabilised thats all
Miguel: Thank god
Jakie then appears next to him
Miguel: Hello?
Jakie: I saw you transform
Miguel: Maybe you were seeing things kid
Jakie: You may look like a human but your a monster
Miguel: Don't know what your talking about there kid
Jakie: But i saw with my own two eyes you have to teach me please! besides you saved me
Miguel: So?
Jakie pretends to fall
Jakie: Help this man is assaulting me this man is assaulting me
People start to stare
Miguel: What the hell are you doing idiot?
Jakie: Help!
Miguel: Cut it out!
Miguel then hears more sounds
Miguel: These creep dont know when to call quits huh?
Jakie: Help
Miguel: Come on hop on my bike and i'll buy you an uce cream
Jakie: Thanks
The scene cuts to the store
Cookie: Oooh a bronze leopard was last seen i was so beaten just what expect from Martha hm.. forty nine dollars how cheap
Miguel then comes in with Jakie
Cookie: Welcome Home Miguel,, Whos this?
Miguel: Oh him thats..
Jakie@ Jakie
Miguel: Jakie yeah thats his name
Cookie: Oh well what a cutie where's his mother at?
Jakie: Well i dont really have one also im going to be living here for a while
Miguel: Say what?
Cookie: Is that so?
Jakie: Yes
Cookie: Then welcome to the family
Jakie: Yay Transform!
Miguel: Oh stop and keep moving
Cookie: Transform?
The scene cuts to the store with Devon
Jakie: Hey can i have some potato chips?
Miguel: No there for the customers
Jakie: Please?
Miguel: You got money for it?
Jakie: No
Miguel: Then no chips
Jakie: Can you help me sir?
Devon: No can do little man
Devon then pulls Miguel over
Devon: Um who's this kid?
Miguel: Just someone who saw me transform after i saved him from a parasite
Devon: Eh?
Jakie: Its true Now potato chips please?
Devon: Sure coming right up man doesn't his mom feed him
Miguel: And another thing he's now your problem
Devon: Say what!?
Miguel: And here's your fee
Devon reads it
Devon: Ugh you suck dude
Miguel: This man can also turn into a monster too if theres anything you need he's the one to come to alright?
Jakie: Hold on
The scene cuts to Miguel dreaming about Bonnie and his son in the hospital
The scene cuts to Devon making breakfast for Jakie
Jakie: Awesome
Devon: I know right complements of the chef you eat all that up you'll grow up to be big and strong just like a Monster Brawler
Jakie: So is it really true that your a Monster Brawler?
Devon: I Guess
Jakie: Really then show me
Devon: See for yourself
He shows him the deck
Jakie: Just by looking at you i can tell your weak
Devon: Huh!?
Jakie: So how do i become a Brawler tell me tell me
Devon: A kid can't become a monster brawler
Jakie: You don't know unless i try
Devon: Why do you wanna become one so badly
Jakie: To fight Monsters duh
Devon: Hey listen there are two things about fighting is..
Cookie: Devon customer
Devon: Okay Cookie
He goes up to the customer who appears to be Steven
Devon: Um anything i can do for you Steven?
Steven: Vanilla extract Eggs Butter sugar and lemon curd
Devon: Hm?
Steven: That lemon curd cake i made for Ethan it was incredible even i had a taste
Meanwhile Miguel and the others are stacking up food
They then hear a shout from Devon
Devon: Hey!
Turns out that Jakie stole Devon's deck which causes him to chase him He then falls down to the ground
Miguel: What the hell happened
Devon: That brat he stole my Monster deck
Cookie: Monster Deck?
Annie: Its just apart of a card game
The scene cuts to Ethan's
Ethan: Yawns
He then collapses
Ethan: God damn not again haven't got much time left
Meanwhile Shane is in a different city finding his way back
The scene cuts to Jakie with Devon's deck
Jakie: Finally i can finally Transform
He goes up to the mirror but then hears a sound
Jakie: Whats that?
The other then come
Devon: There you are
Miguel then grabs him
Jakie: Let go of me
Jakie then gets afraid of the noises
Miguel: If a Monster Brawler shows fear they wont be able to battle
Jakie: I wasn't afraid i was just startled totally different now let me do this
Devon: Hold it right there
Jakie: Let me go hey!
Miguel then snatches the deck off his hand
Jakie: Give it back
Hovering Noises are then heard
Miguel: Its cool to fight Parasites right sit back and enjoy the ride
He goes up to the mirror and Transforms
Coyote then enters the portal
Jakie: Go get em
Coyote then sees the Parasites and starts to fight he then summons his Coyote clones
Jakie then looks surprised of how Miguel/Commander Coyote fights
Jakie: Awesome!
Coyote then gets knocked down
Jakie: Woah
Miguel continues to fight the parasites but then suddenly the evil brawlers show up aswell
Jakie Steven and Devon then watch him get severely hurt
Jakie: Oh my god
Devon: Whats Miguel doing is he that sly that he's getting his ass beat on purpose
Jakie then gets scared even more
Devon: Look closely theres nothing that special about being a Brawler now huh?
Jakie: I guess so
Steven then notices Ogrg and Cruisifer and Techo
Steven: Is that Ethan
Techo Gecko then arrives for the fight and So does Badge Badger
Coyote then turns warrior mode to finish off the Parasites killing them off instantly
Suddenly a slash then hits Coyote turns out the slash was from Psycho Piranha
Commander Coyote: Shane?
Then other Evil Brawlers show up to like Drago Dark Lord Toxic Goblin and Scorkpinok
Piranha Psycho: Mind if i join the battle
He then starts attacking Coyote as so as Scorkpinok and Dark Lord towards Cruisifer and Ogrg and Badger
Techo then takes on Coyote Meanwhile Ogrg takes on Scorkpinok and Badger takes on Cruisifer
Devon: You see this Jakie this is the Monster Battle its not that exciting is it?
Jakie: No no its not
Devon: Its dreadful and painful it was once a normal App game but now its real you can't turn it off All they do is fight to the death
Steven: He speaks the truth I've seen Mr Ethan fight its terrible
Devon: Now my Monster deck please hand it over
Jakie hands it over
Steven: I'll take the boy home
Jakie: Sorry me Devon sir
Devon: Its cool
The ending scene cuts to the fight still happening
Scorkpinok punches Badger in the face and then slashes him Badger then shoots at him
Dark Lord then takes on Coyote but Drago punches him
Drago Man: You alright pal?
Drago Dark Lord: Ah the Dragon has finally came to die
Drago Man: Sorry but thats part of the story the story starts off with me taking care of business
They then see a Light flashing through that turns out to be the God Brawlers
Cruisifer: Who the hell are these people
Ogrg: I dont know
Meanwhile in the store Annie is searching more about his brother
Until she finds a horrifying truth
Annie: Dead? My brother is dead
she then finds the cause of death which is revealed to be a suicide
Monstercron: Let the battle Continue only one remaining Brawler will face me and will receive power greater than before I am the Ultimate Brawler
Commander Coyote: Ultimate Brawler?
Drago Man: No way
The End

Hello, and welcome to my sale!
My spreadsheet of scents can be found here.
I have a few samples from a lot of houses (such as Astrid, NAVA, Area of Effect, Stereoplasm) and a lot of samples from a few houses (most notably, Alkemia, Possets, Deconstructing Eden, Nui Cobalt, Poesie). I have the occasional full size as well.
I go by timestamps, so please do not message me until we have come to an agreement about pricing. I accept PayPal Goods and Services and will cover associated fees. I’ll hold items for a couple of hours unless you request differently, and will then move on to the next interested party if there is one. Some items may be posted on multiple platforms, and I will go by timestamps across all platforms (although I reserve the right to prioritize buyers who are purchasing more).
Shipping starts at $4.50 for perfumes and light items within the continental US and will increase with weight and distance. I'm happy to ship internationally as long as you are willing to pay postage. I look for the best rates, domestic or international, and ship within a few business days.
I have priced items based on what I believe is a fair reflection of value, but please discuss offers with me if your research shows that my pricing is off. Happy to entertain offers and/or bundle if you are buying multiple items. No minimums.
I’ve added swatch pictures that I found online for many of the products that have glimmer, shimmer or shifts. Hopefully this helps show how beautiful and unique these products are!
Eyeshadow Palettes
Ace Beaute Falling for You palette, BNNU, $15 $10
Beauty Bakerie Sugar Cookies palette, most colors used 2 or 3 times, 30 $20
Fantasy Cosmetica Bard palette, Never used but arrived with middle shade shattered. Retails for $38.99. $20
Juvia’s Place The Magic Minis , BNNU, $15 $10
Juvia’s Place The Zulu, 3 colors swatched, $12 $10
KimChi Chic Juicy Velvet palette; see swatch photos from Kimchi Site, BNNU, $12
Lethal Cosmetics Magnetic Pressed Powder Palette in Jolina, 3 or 4 colors swatched. $25
Menagerie Feral Palette, sold out, light usage, $25
Notoriously Morbid Aim With My Eye palette, 3 colors swatched. $16.00
Peach Queen We’re All Mad Here, 3 colors swatched. Sold out on site $20
Pink Crush Cosmetics Nocturnal Garden palette, brand new, $22
Pinky Rose Cosmetics Sunflower palette, most shades swatched once, $12
Pretty Vulgar Pretty Birdie, light use, $36 $10
Sigma x Beauty Bird Dream Palette, most colors swatched, comes with brush, $25
Sigma Warm Neutrals Vol. 2, 4 colors swatched, $15 $10
Sydney Grace Chase Your Dreams, 2 colors swatched, $18 $10
Sugarpill Capsule Collection in black and orange versions, each have a couple of colors swatched, $22 each or both for $40
Single eyeshadows, liners, etc.
About Face Matte Fluid Eye Paint (l - r) in It’s a Blitz and Vertigo Flowers. Swatched with clean, disposable brush. $11 each or both for $20
JD Glow cosmetics L-R: Galaxy liner in Nocturnal; glitter tube in Poise; galaxy liner in Facetime. Each used up to 3x with clean, disposable brush. Retail for $9-10. $4 each; all 3 for $10
Indie shadow large pans $3 each
JD Glow 37mm metallon shadow in Bestie, swatched, $7
JD Glow 37mm metallon shadow in Blue Avenue, swatched, $7
Give Me Glow foiled pigment in Anastasia, swatched, $6
Give Me Glow ultra matte pigment in Dramatic, BNNU, $6
Give Me Glow ultra matte pigment in Tan Lines, BNNU, $6
Moira Cosmetics Lucent Cream Eyeshadow, L-R Cosmos, Earth, Nimbus, each BNIB, $5 each or all 3 for $12
Semi-Loose pigments
These are jars with ¼-1 tsp of semi-loose pigment, some shimmers/metallics, some duo- or multichrome. I encourage you to look up swatches! All are BNNU; most still sealed.
Notoriously Morbid: $6 each
Alkali Lake Monster; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Casualties are Inevitable; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Collaborative Effort; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Stalking Scarecrows; see a blogger-posted swatch here
Spectrum Cosmetics: Aztec, Scale
Lips and Face
MBA Cosmetics Glossy Glaze in Miss Monroe, still sealed, seller image here. $7
Sydney Grace lip cream in Lacy, BNIB, $9
Indie Nail Polish all full size/15 ml unless otherwise indicated
Chaos and Crocodiles in Wishing Star Sky, probably a few years old. Swatch photo. $6
LynB Designs Fishing With No Bait, golden peach linear holo, used for one mani, $6 photo from blogger Naked Without Polish
LynB Designs, L - R Sage It Ain’t So, Rustworthy, Gamboge You Don’t, all BNNU from Tonally Awesome collection. See pictures from site of Rustworthy, and Gamboge You Don’t. $7 each, will bundle.
Moon Shine Mani Nail Polish. Click on shade for swatch photos. And Then There Were None , The Geller Cup, North by Northwest. BNNU, $8 each; will bundle multiples
~ ~
Again my perfume spreadsheet can be found here.
You can also check my sale on makeupexchange listed here.
Thank you!

Hello All,
I just want to know what people think. I also include a link to it below.
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INFLICT (WORKING TITLE)
URL LINK:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QGIDImnhaCtiYFMY5OkJoVtn8mbyRsHkQo0E-KR4A98/edit?usp=sharing
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INFLICT - (WORKING TITLE) - CHAPTER 1 & 1/2 OF CHAPTER 2
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CHAPTER 1
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Rowan saunters down the sidewalk. Her black dog sniffs and pulls its leash toward the verges. She heels, stops, and follows her dog. The dog sporadically loops, circling a piece of trash in the grass. Its nose in the grass likens a vacuum sniffing everything, taking it all in.
​
“Simon, come on!” She tugs the leash, and he follows.
​
She readies herself, wrapping his leash around her wrist, and eases into the street, looking both ways before crossing. She unwraps the leash from her wrist.
​
Temporarily, I lose sight of her as she stops behind a tree. Cautiously and carefully I follow her, making sure to stay out of sight.
​
“Simon, come on poop!” Her dog ignores her request and pees.
​
Irritation reflects on her face as she nods her head, rolls her eyes, pulls her phone from her pocket, and starts to type away. This was an opening for me. Keeping her in my crosshairs, I cross the street behind her. The digital clicks from her typing is all I could hear as I close in.
​
Simon stops, turns, and stares right at me. Rowan’s stroll comes to a stop. Surely, she would turn around and see me, but she never so much as glances up from her phone. Instead of advancing toward her, I pause, making sure that her dog was not going to lunge at me. Simon stares at me but doesn’t make a move, and I return the favor by slowly loosening my grip on the knife that I hold in my hoodie pocket.
​
Nevertheless, for a brief moment, Simon’s eyes lock with mine. Cute as he is, I am ready and willing to slit his throat without any hesitation. It doesn’t surprise me when Simon suddenly lays down on the ground, rolls over onto his back, and wags his tail in submission. This confirms to me that he will not be a problem whatsoever.
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Rowan stands in the middle of the sidewalk, but this doesn’t matter because I already know what I am going to do. Walking up to her, I tap and gently stroke her arm in one swift motion.
​
“Excuse me,” I say while continuing forward.
​
I never turn around to look at her. It is clear she’s startled, and I love every part of it. She turns to look at her dog, rubbing the area I touched. Her eyes were on me, burning a hole in my back. I welcome her fear, as I want more than anything to catch her off-guard. In the meantime mission accomplished. In the long run, the mission is underway.
​
Strolling to the end of the street, I change directions, turning around the corner. She takes her eyes off me, but I keep my eyes on her. She puts her phone away and turns around to head in the opposite direction. Using the night as cover, I stick to the shadows, while walking alongside the cars parked on the street. Simon’s leash clinks against his collar, and I fixate on this as it allows me to know if I am too close. Ten feet is all I need to keep between myself and her. Pulling down my baseball cap to cover my face, I gaze around a parked car, watching her.
​
Rowan makes her way back to the end of the street before stopping at the last house on the corner, opening the metal gate, and walking in.
​
Now I know where you live.
​
I make my way back to my truck, feeling satisfied.
​
Taking my time, being patient, and waiting for the perfect opportunity is something that I pride myself on, especially when it comes to my women. In order to be patient, I focus on the end result, the end result is that I will get what I want. I always get what I want. I focus all of my attention on making sure that when I take them, I’m prepared so that it lasts. This is what being an exceptional lover is all about. One has to make sacrifices and compromises. One has to be patient.
​
See, I’m not a selfish man. I want to know everything about my women. I’m all ears. As a matter of fact, I have been told that I’m the perfect listener. Listening is one of my strong suits. I won’t interrupt you. I’ll stay attentive, remain focused, and I’ll make sure to remember everything you tell me so that you will never have to repeat yourself.
​
Please open up to me, tell me everything about you.
​
This is what women want to hear. This is what makes them feel comfortable enough to tell it all. My need to know who they are feeds my deepest, darkest needs. They can rely on me in their time of need. Please feel free to tell me everything, because I can’t get enough of it. I want to know who they love, who is close to them, who visits them, and who they like. I need to know what kinds of things they enjoy, and what they do in their free time.
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When I decide the day and time that we finally meet, my women will get the opportunity to see me, all of me. They will need me, rely on me. They will scream out for me. They will remember my name and everything that I choose to share with them. They will worship me. They will give all of themselves to me.
​
My methods are strict, these methods I designed and I follow to the letter. I had a few mishaps occur when I was younger, dumber, and lacked any discipline. When I was younger it never dawned on me, how many problems can pop up, and situations you could find yourself in. Especially without proper planning, structure, and rules.
​
Following my methods allows me to avoid many of the annoying predicaments, and dilemmas such as falling asleep and then waking up to find that my woman has escaped, the cops wake me up or are on their way, or worse my woman ends up taking the opportunity to take me out of this world.
​
Recently, I saw this news story, of this serial rapist who kidnapped this lady and took her to his private rape, torture, and killing house. The guy proceeds to chain up this lady, and then being so excited to dominate her and stick his dick in her, he forgets to fully lock the padlock he uses to keep the chains on her. The dumb shit rapes her in every hole she was born with, and then right after passes out.
​
The lady gets free, and he doesn’t even so much as wrestle or move in his sleep. The woman quietly creeps all the way to the front door, when she realizes that he may wake up, see that she has escaped, and get the hell out of dodge long before she can run out of this hell hole and find someone to call the police. She decides right then and there that she had to find a way to stop this rapist.
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She searches around and finds a landline phone sitting right there in his filthy kitchen. She phones 911, tells the operator she was kidnaped and raped and to come quick, because she doesn’t know where she is, and her kidnapper is waking up and he might be coming to find her. She tells the operator that she needs to hide before he sees her, and she leaves the phone off the hook.
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The truth is the lady never hides, instead, she creeps back down into the basement, where her rapist is still snoring and sleeping the best sleep of his life. She picks up the chain that he tied her up with and she proceeds to gently wrap it around his neck so as not to wake him. Once she got it around his neck she then makes sure to relive her rape trauma, by yanking, pulling, and tightening the chains, so they are taut around his throat. She ends up strangling him with the very chains he attempted to lock her up with.
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This is what happens when you cave to your desires and have no discipline, you end up a strangled, now dead, fat and out of shape, serial rapist, naked, dick in the dirt, and face down in your own rape den. I definitely have better plans for my future than meeting my end like that.
​
In order to continue feeding my desires undetected: I Remain in the background, make it a point to know everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about my prey.
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The most basic information is obvious:
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What’s their favorite color, song, movie, and book? What do they eat, do they like takeout, and if so what's their favorite takeout restaurant? Where do they shop, and what grocery store do they frequent? Do they exercise, what gym do they attend, where is it located, and how often do they exercise? Where do they work, when do they work, where is their work located? Are they in school, and if so what is the name of the school, and where is located?
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Are they religious, what is their denomination, do they go to church, and if so what is it named and where is it located? What bars do they visit, what is your favorite bar, how often do they visit them, and where are they located?
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Do they have friends, and if so how many friends, what are their friend's names, ages, and addresses, and what cars do they drive, how often does she visit her friends, and how often do they visit her? Do they have a family? Who do they hold dear? How many people worry about them when they are away?
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Now for the more personal details, I want to know the things they don’t share on a typical date such as:
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What products do they use? What are their habits, do they have a routine? When do they begin, and end menstruating? How often do they have sex, how often do they pleasure themselves, what's their body count, what are their fantasies, what turns them on? What are their wants and Needs? What are their secrets, and fears?
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Where do they live, do they have security, do they have an alarm system, do they leave their windows locked or unlocked, are all of their doors locked, or are any unlocked, do they have a spare key, and if so where do they keep it? What does the interior of their home look like, how many bedrooms do they have, how is their furniture arranged, do they have a secret place in their house, what part of their home do they spend most of their time in, where is their bedroom, what do they wear when they are asleep, what are they wearing beneath, do they sleep naked?
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Do they have a safe, do they own a gun, and if so do they know how to shoot it? Do they know self-defense, can they fight, do they have any tools near them that they can use against me? What car do they drive, what's their license plate number? What time do they usually come home, and what time do they tend to leave? When they are not at home, where are they, and when they leave where are they going?
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All of this information is my number one priority. The answers to these questions bring me closer to them. They don’t know it yet, but they will give all of themselves to me. They will call me their master, and they will love doing it. They will crave it, and I will reign over them, and dominate over them, down to the very breath that they take. This thrills and excites me, this feeds my deepest needs and takes a front seat in my mind.
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CHAPTER 2
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My eyes open to Simon anxiously licking my face to wake me up.
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“Okay, okay, I’m up, I’m up.” Petting his back to calm him, Simon begins whimpering.
​
This was routine, the same time every day. Simon would wake me up at 6:00 am crack ass of dawn, all because he needs to go to the bathroom.
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“This is why you should have pooped last night when I walked you,”
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Simon’s puppy dog eyes lay fixed on me as he lays down on my bed patiently waiting for me to get up. I glance over to my phone that's charging on my bedside table. Sitting up and pulling my legs from beneath the warm and cozy duvet and onto the floor I feel the cold wooden floor beneath my feet. This change in temperature sends a tremble up my foot, into my spine, and I shudder. This cold chill forces me to rub my arms, in an attempt to keep them warm.
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Oh my God, it’s freezing.
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My long cardigan lay at the bottom of my bed, I took it and put it on. Tying the sweater closed, I slip into a pair of Uggs and gather his collar and leash.
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“Come On Simon, let's go.” He jumps off of my bed towards me.
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I pick up my phone, disconnect the charging cable, and drop my phone into my pocket.
​
Simon runs down the hall to the front door, his paws clicking on the caramel color floor. I grab my keys from the table in the foyer, unlock my front door, and walk out, remembering to close and lock it behind me.
​
My bedroom chill had nothing on the temperature outside, it was that time in the morning when the sun would rise over the horizon, and the heat would push down the cold air. My teeth start the melody of chattering, and I clench my jaws tight to stop it.
​
“Okay Simon, let's go” He hops in excitement.
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Leading him down the front stoop, we make our way out the black metal gate to the sidewalk. The street is completely empty of people, yet nothing but parked cars can be seen lining both cross streets as far as I could see.
​
It was way too cold outside to do the long walk, which consisted of walking down the block, and back
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.“Simon,” Simon looks up at me.
​
“We aren’t going to do a whole walk this morning, cause it’s freezing, and not all of us have a fur coat on.”
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We make our way five houses down. Simon walks off the sidewalk into the verges, as he sniffs the grass.. He quickly picks a suitable spot and squats.
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“And why couldn’t you do this last night?” His puppy dog eyes look up at me.
​
He finishes and is pleased with himself. He hops off the grass and faces the direction of home. I tear off a poop bag and bend down to pick it up when I could feel Simon tug on his leash. This was typical of Simon, he will see something focus on it, and continue to fixate.
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“Simon leave it! Stop tugging! Sit! Stay!”
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I wanted nothing more than to be back in the warmth of my comfy bed. Although the idea pleased me, I knew this was unlikely to happen, because I would have to get ready for work. I pick up Simon's droppings and toss them into the dog waste bin.
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“Come on, let's go.”
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Heading back to my house, I see Julia, my neighbor making her way out her front door.
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“Good Morning Julia” I wave.
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Julia returns a smile before saying, “Hey Rowan, Good morning girl.”
​
The gate swings shut, and I bend down removing Simon's collar and leash. He runs up to the porch and I follow, Simon begins nudging at something he sees on the porch. At first, I couldn’t tell exactly what it was, and I thought it was trash. As I walked onto the porch I realized what it was, it was a present.
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“Simon! Stop it! No! Get away from it!”
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Tugging him back, I wrap his leash around my wrist, and I pick up the small gift-wrapped box. The wrapping paper that covered the box was red and silver, with a miniature shiny red bow mounted onto the top. A tiny white card was taped beneath it. Opening the card, I read what it said.
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From:
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This is kept blank, I continue to read.
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To: 12351 Glen Haven Drive, West Hollywood 90069
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Huh, that's weird...When did this get here?... Very interesting...I didn’t know anyone delivered this early.
​
Slipping the small wrapped box in my pocket, I felt for my house keys and pulled them out. Unlocking and opening the door Simon ran inside the house and made his way to the cookie cabinet. Closing and locking the door behind me, I sat my house keys and the small present on the table.
​
Simon excitedly jumps up before sitting down and patiently waiting for his treat.
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“Good Boy!” I opened the cookie jar, pulled two small cookie treats out, and closed the Jar.
​
“Okay Simon, be nice...be nice...watch your teeth,” I said as I held out his treats.
​
Simon gently bit down on the cookies, making his way over to his dog bed wolfing them down.
​
My phone vibrates and music begins to play, I reach into my pocket, pull my phone out, and stare at the screen. My wake-up alarm notification had begun. It was already 7:00 am, I turn off and close the alarm app, and move to my bedroom, making sure that I plug my phone back onto the charger. It was already time to start my morning routine to get ready for work.
​
Making sure not to overlook anything, I always pre-pack my bag the night before. I have also made a checklist that every morning, I compare in order to make sure I wasn’t forgetting things that would make me spiral out.
​
Things to remember before leaving is the title.
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* Make sure to have your house keys.
* Make sure to have your car keys.
* Make sure to have your phone
* Make sure to have your wallet
- Have your I.D.
- Have Cash
- Have You Gas Card
- Have Your Debit Card
- Have your Credit Card.
- If Starting a New Job Have Social Security Card.
* Make sure to have your laptop and accessories.
* Make sure Simon has food and water.
* Make sure you leave the house key so that the dog walker can take Simon for his walks while you are at work.
* Leave cash on the table near the front door for the dog walker.
* Make sure to leave an emergency number for the dog walker to contact.
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End of list.
​
This was a list that my psychologist recommended for me when I was diagnosed with adult ADHD.
​
Remembering back, my psychologist's words were so careful. It was as though he were speaking to someone who was hard of hearing. Every word he spoke was wide-mouth pronounced and a bit exaggerated. It was as if he needed to hammer his advice into my frontal lobe in the event that I was distracted.
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"ROWAN YOU NEED TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN SO AS TO NOT FORGET THEM, AND MAKE LISTS! THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS TELL MY PATIENTS THAT HAVE YOUR DIAGNOSIS, " he enunciates.
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I made sure to check my wallet for all my cards…Done. Got my laptop and accessories…Done. Car keys in hand…Done. Phone in hand…Done. Spare house key for the dog walker, that should be in the fake rock out front…Done. Money on the table for the dog walker…Done. Emergency contact number for dog walker…Done. House keys?
​
I checked my pocket, there was nothing but my wallet. Sitting my laptop bag on the floor. Strolling into the living room I check Simon's cookie cabinet. They weren’t there. Progressing to the kitchen searching for my house keys, I glance over to Simon's water and food bowl.
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Okay, Simon has food and water…Done. Now where are my house keys?
​
Scanning the countertops, my house keys weren’t in sight, I moved to my bedroom. My long cardigan lay across the bottom of my bed, I picked it up checking my pockets.
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Bingo found them...Wow, my ADHD is already starting up.
​
Grasping my house keys, I pull them out of my cardigan and drop them into my blazer pocket. Returning to the foyer, I pick up my laptop bag, and sling it over my shoulder. I glance back at the list to make sure I don’t miss anything. Satisfied, I grab the small wrapped present off the table and leave, making sure to shut and lock the door behind me.

[WP] Ok, that's it. You don't care what happens anymore. Enough is enough. You take your standard issue time rewinder and set it back 20 mins just so you can win an argument with your wife.
---
"What happened to the cookie?" I shouted from the kitchen. The empty jar of cookies - cookies that I had baked myself just that weekend - contained only a half-eaten cookie, with a comically large mouthful taken out of it.
"What's that, Sam?" Lauren shouted back from the living room.
I seized the evidence and marched in. "What happened to the cookie?"
She looked at me, apparently bewildered, but I was sure I could detect guilt beneath it.
"There was a cookie when I left for work," I said slowly, trying not to grind my teeth. My dentist says I grind my teeth too much, and my therapist says its work-stress induced, but, I ask you, who needs intergalactic chronovores to raise one's blood pressure when you have this kind of crime to come home to.
"You must have eaten it and then forgotten about it," Lauren said. "You've been doing that kind of thing more and more recently. Did you hand in your notice like we talked about?"
"Don't change the subject," I snapped, changing it back. "I distinctly remember leaving this cookie in the jar, to enjoy when I got home. And somebody-" I glared at her "-has eaten it."
"Well, it wasn't me."
"And," I said, because its the details that matter in these kinds of cases, "you didn't even put the lid of the jar back on properly. That's how cookies dry out."
Floored by such incontestable evidence, my wife could only glare back at me.
"I don't ask for much," I said, "but when a cookie has my name on it, and when I've had a day like today traveling to more days than I can remember, I just want to come home to my cookie and forget, for one minute, that our universe is beset on all 7 dimensions by creatures that would like to eat us instead of cookies."
"For the last time, Samantha," and I knew I'd gotten her attention because she used my full name, "I did not touch your damn cookie."
"We can see about that, can't we?" I said, and I pulled out the time rewinder from the chain around my neck.
That finally seemed to get her full attention. "You didn't quit!" she snapped.
"Just as well," I said. "Because now I can hop back through the day and find out what happened to this." I shook the cookie at her.
The cookie was still soft, much softer than a cookie should have been had it been exposed to the air all day, and it broke into pieces that scattered across the living room floor. Lauren looked at me in disgust.
I spun the time rewinder with a practiced flick. Twenty minutes would do for a first hop, and then I would keep hopping until I caught the cookie-eating culprit in the act, misuse of government property for private gain be damned.
"Wait-" Lauren said, but then the universe blipped and I was still standing in the living room, alone in the past with only the memory of my future anger to sustain me.
I marched into the kitchen.
The cookie jar sat on the counter, open.
The cookie was in the thief's hand, and half into it's mouth.
The thief stared at me, with timeless eyes that see the universe in more dimensions that scientists currently know about, and bit down on the cookie with it's large and very uncomical mouth. It chewed for a second, and then spat it out.
"That was a waste of a good cookie," I said.
The chronovore put the remains of the cookie back in the jar, and did not put the lid back on. Instead, it took a step towards me.
Out of the kitechen window, I saw Lauren's car pull into the driveway. She was getting home from work. It would be another twenty minutes until I got home, and there was a chronovore loose in our home.
I couldn't jump forwards twenty minutes, because then the chronovore would be free to eat a hole in the fabric of our space-time reality, indiscriminately consuming Lauren and my house along with the neighbor's yappy dog and the neighbor too. I could live quite happily without three of those things, but I visited a thousand eras in both past and future and I could say with some confidence that there was only one Lauren.
No, I needed to distract it for twenty minutes or so, because I had seen that there was a timeline in which she did not immediately get devoured by an extra-dimensional being with an insatiable appetite, and that seemed like a pretty good outcome in the circumstances.
I searched around the kitchen for a weapon. Lauren, my beautiful, brilliant wife, had tidied up my mess that morning and the kitchen was unfortunately pristine and devoid of dirty knives left conveniently out on the counter.
"Hey asshole," I said to the chronovore. "Aren't you going to put the lid back on that cookie jar? Otherwise, it's going to dry out..."

Shortly after Mom's tumble down the basement stairs, a stranger appeared at her door. Said he was collecting donations for an animal shelter and demanded to speak with the homeowner.
Karima, my mother’s care worker, only started the job three days earlier. But that was long enough to know the elderly lady she worked for turned the garden hose on both missionaries and canvassers alike.
Imagine her surprise when Mom came hobbling down the hall on metal crutches, insisting the gentleman come in.
At hospital, after Mumsie’s ankle got reset, I broke the news that—due to her ‘advanced’ age—the doctors wouldn’t discharge her without an adequate care plan. She lived on a remote street, just a narrow dirt lane overrun with weeds and bramble really. No friendly neighbours, nobody to help with chores.
Despite the morphine, she sat up in bed spitting raw fury.
“I can’t support you alone,” I whimpered. “I’m in London next week with work. Plus, Abbie’s such a handful.”
The incensed retiree made six nurses and one security guard cry before finally relenting.
After Mom’s visitor departed, I stopped by with some painkillers. Straight away Karima pulled me into the kitchen. A real no-nonsense type in her late-twenties, Karima had a brown ponytail and thick eyebrows.
She said, “Sharon spent all afternoon in the lounge with a guy called Carl. He acted like they’d never met, but he knew his way around. He got angry at one point. Your mom said he’s gonna come back to fix the ceiling fan in the basement. She sounded a little upset, though.”
Strange. Why would the thrifty woman who reused tea bags pry open her purse for charity?
Karima said Carl was a big guy, bigger than me even, and old enough to collect a pension, although “you could tell he looked after himself”. Think porcelain teeth and an even, bronze tan.
This news hoisted a red flag alright. What motivated this guy to cosy up to an ill-tempered old bat who half the neighbourhood kids believed would abduct them while they slept if they didn’t finish their broccoli and wash behind their ears? There’d be no point grooming her for the house—her hovel was all stale air, sun-bleached wallpaper, and carpets so filthy you couldn’t make out the floral patterns.
As she limped through the door, I asked about her new companion.
“Mind your own business,” she hissed. Her eyes flicked toward Karima. “And tell the warden it’s rude to snoop.”
From that day on, a permanent sickly feeling lined my stomach. I compulsively checked my mother’s cash allowance, which depleted faster than expected. Karima insisted that, on their weekly shopping trips, Mom only ever bought discounted groceries and Vitamin D supplements. “Maybe she’s snacking at night?”
That weekend, Mom summoned me for our Sunday roast, a fortnightly ritual. In a thick winter coat, I spooned unsalted mashed potatoes into my mouth. Because unless snow lay on the ground, turning the heating on was a cardinal sin in Mom’s house, and since the basement door sat right beside the fridge, the kitchen got blasted by these relentless, chilly drafts.
It took me twenty minutes to muster up the nerve to ask Mom how such a rail-thin lady could rack up such a giant food bill. “I’ve seen you eat mouldy peaches instead of throwing them away. Where’s this money going? Did Carl charge you to fix that fan?”
“Carl does these repairs as a favour I’ll have you know,” she said. Her voice sounded odd, though. Like the killer instinct had bled out.
There was a short, uncomfortable silence. Between chews, Mom mentioned the council planned to build a shelter for truant youths nearby, which meant she needed to sell up before hordes of wild, feral teens began prowling the area.
My fork paused in mid-air. “Let me guess, did Carl tell you this? Are you sure he isn’t a conman?”
Prominent neck veins bulged along her gaunt neck, the same way they did anytime younger me broke a plate or spilled juice. Whenever those tendons appeared, Mom would clamp my ear with her sharp, yellow nails and yank me into my bedroom. That was her solution to everything—imprison you until her temper cooled off. Involuntarily, my head jerked to one side. A spasm.
“I just wanna make sure you’re not getting scammed,” I said, earlobe throbbing.
She slammed the table with her fist. “I’m selling, and that’s that.”
Unable to meet that powerful gaze, I wolfed down more tasteless food.
“I swear. If I’d known kids were this much trouble, I would have done things differently,” Mom muttered.
Back home, I splashed cold water across my face and stared down my reflection in the bathroom mirror. At times, I resented my green eyes and sharp nose—features I shared with my mother. They made me feel contaminated. Dirty.
My daughter, Abbie, had just turned six. After I read her the latest Dogman and tucked her into bed, I joined my wife in the front room, where she commented on my twitch. I explained Carl’s arrival brought my childhood tics storming back.
She said, “I’m not trying to sound insensitive here, but who cares if Angela gets cheated out of a crappy house? It’d serve her right for everything she put you through.”
Years earlier, news about my wife’s pregnancy broke two weeks before our wedding day. Mom’s unsavoury name calling led to an hours-long screaming match between the pair, and time had not thawed their frosty relationship. I maintained a degree of sympathy, because Mom grew up a preacher’s daughter, and her stern lectures gave me the occasional glimpse into adolescence under Grandpa’s watchful eye.
“If father caught ME smoking, he’d have locked me in the prayer closet until midnight.”
“The one time I rolled my eyes at MY father, he took away my pillow for three days.”
In her late teens Mom once ran away with a male friend, a move which got her permanently ousted from the church, but extracting the details was tougher than chewing through a bowl of salt.
Still, my wife made a great point—that house needed serious work. Plumbing renovations alone would set you back £15k, easy. As a child I’d lain awake at night, surrounded by groaning metal. Thuds, bangs. Even had nightmares about a poltergeist named Pipes who rattled the water fixtures. I hated being incarcerated there.
If Mom became homeless, though, she would have needed to move in with us, which meant Abbie might develop the same self-esteem issues as me.
In the morning, I asked Karima to call me the next time Carl appeared so I could speak with him, man-to-man. When she did, I heard only angry, muffled voices in the background. The nurse moved into a different room and said Mom ordered her out of the lounge.
Furious, I climbed in my Volvo and sped across town.
As I pulled up the dusty driveway, Karima appeared at the door and said, “You just missed them. Carl took Angela to the garden centre.”
I slammed the dashboard in frustration.
In the kitchen, I sat by the table, my legs bouncing up and down, impatient. Minutes ticked away on the grandfather clock down the hall.
Karima came in to wipe down the counters. I said, “What’s Carl been up to lately? Still fixing things?”
She nodded. “Last week he spent a whole afternoon in the basement. Said he was laying rat traps.”
Huh. I’d never seen any droppings or scratch marks. The basement door refused to budge, as usual, so I went upstairs into the spare room where I rummaged through Mom’s antique cabinet. In the bottom drawer there sat a ring of endless keys, but before I could find one that looked large enough and old enough to fit the lock, car wheels came crunching along the driveway. I slipped everything back in its place and then rushed downstairs.
Outside, Mom waved off a silver Aston Martin. In her right hand, she had a bouquet of carnations: one red, one yellow, one blue. In the old days, she always received birthday flowers, but since any man who so much as complimented her purse caught an eyeful of pepper spray, the idea she had a secret admirer struck me as ridiculous. Now, though, I wasn’t so sure.
“Why’s your boyfriend in such a hurry?” I asked.
“Never you mind.”
As I followed her around the ground floor, she shouted down the different ways I begged her to explain her relationship with this man before finally shooting me another patented death glare. “Enough.”
The protest dissolved on my tongue.
Seeing no other option, I contacted a private investigator and gave him Carl’s license plate. Six days later, we met in a coffee shop. “Carl Richardson, age 64.” The sleuth slid a file across the table. “Widower with three kids, two sons and a daughter, each grown with children of their own. Started a construction company in the 70s and sold up before the crash in ’08. Owns a villa in Madrid, and he’s an elder at the Willowfield Presbyterian Church. From what I hear, he’s hosted so many fundraisers they named an auditorium after him.”
“Wait, if this pricks so minted why’s he cosying up to my mom? Her shacks one big bad wolf away from blowing over.”
“She lives just outside Bohill forest, right? If you bulldozed a few hundred trees, you could probably put up a block of flats. Deal like that might be worth a brave chunk of change.”
“Where’s this asshole live?” I asked.
“Maryville. Fair warning though, he’s not the friendliest of blokes. I watched him explode over a petrol station parking space. Took six guys to hold him back.”
I sped over there.
Iron fenceposts surrounded a sprawling, four-story townhouse. Younger me always wished he lived in a place like that, surrounded by brothers and sisters, along with a dad who came home at the end of every day. Hell, even just a dad.
I pressed the buzzer. Through the speaker, a housekeeper told me Mr. Richardson wasn’t home, despite the Aston Martin parked in the driveway.
I said, “Just tell the prick he better stay the hell away from my mom.”
Halfway home, the she-devil herself called, rhyming off all the different ways I’d embarrassed her since birth. Through tears, I told her I didn’t want Abbie’s grandmother dying penniless on the street.
She ended the debate by screaming, “I’ll do whatever I like.”
Reduced to a trembling mess, I pulled into the layby. My relationship with my mother, I’d come to realize, was a scab. With this conflict, we’d picked away the crust. Now bad blood had come gushing out. This needed to end.
I texted Karima: Think you can find out what Carl’s doing in the basement for me?
Sure thing.
From there, I mostly ignored Mom. Until her birthday reared its ugly head. Although she insisted we let these milestones pass without much fanfare, I at least swung by for dinner.
Imagine my surprise when my key didn’t fit the lock. I rapped the letterbox for twenty minutes before Mom creaked the door open, far as the chain would allow.
“What the hell is this?” I asked.
Through the narrow gap, she said, “You can’t be too careful these days. Theres dope addicts running about.”
“Was this Carl’s idea?”
She broke eye contact. My mother, the most stubborn woman on planet Earth, actually broke eye contact.
“Does Karima at least have a spare?”
“No. I fired her.”
“What? Why?”
“I caught her stealing jewellery. Besides, the cast came off. You can’t keep me imprisoned forever.”
Rather than kick in the door, I fought the temptation and grabbed my phone. “Karima isn’t answering,” I said, as I texted her to call me back.
“Hardly surprising, she’s a fugitive now. And to think, you were worried about Carl. Anyway, I’m tried and not in the mood for celebrating. Goodbye.”
The door slammed in my face.
There was now zero doubt her suitor had groomed her. What should I have done, though, notified the police? And said what exactly—that Mommy wouldn’t let me into my childhood home?
Well, if she’d set her heart on getting dumped in a cheap care home staffed by workers who got paid minimum wage, so be it.
That night, I rolled around in bed, unable to redirect my memory from childhood. Until now, those formative years had been a distant afterthought, but with this situation sloshing around my brain, they lurked around every corner, uncomfortably close.
I jerked awake. Beside the bed, Abbie rubbed her red, puffed-out eyes. “I had a bad dream.”
I carried her into her room and read from a storybook about princesses. As she lay beside me, head rested against my shoulder, a giant lump rose in my throat. Mom never comforted me after a nightmare. Or ever. In fact, she’d uttered the phrase ‘stop whining or I’ll GIVE you something to cry about’ so many times it became her unofficial catchphrase.
What the hell was wrong with me? Despite being a grown man—a father, no less—I’d acted like a panicky child. What did Carl want with the house? Why this fixation on the basement?
I drove over there, parked my car at the bottom of the lane, unlatched a downstairs window with a coat hanger, and climbed inside. One upside to life under an authoritarian regime are the tricks you pick-up…
The grandfather clock ticked away while, upstairs, my mother snored louder than a jackhammer. The creaky staircase threatened to betray my arrival, so I slowly crept up into the spare room where I snatched the keys from the cabinet.
I shuffled back downstairs. However, right as my foot landed on the bottom step, the clock announced the arrival of midnight. In the sleepy house, those chimes blared louder than a fire alarm. Startled, I slipped and collapsed onto the wooden floor.
A lamp flicked on up in Mom’s room, then footsteps shuffled around. I heard her voice, high and frightened. Most likely she’d grabbed the bedside phone.
“Mom, it’s me,” I shouted.
Dressed in a pink nightgown and fuzzy slippers, she appeared at the landing. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
She stormed down the steps, boiling mad. It took some nerve to invade someone’s privacy like that, what gave me the right? For a moment, I hung my head in shame—a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
Until I remembered what brought me there in the first place. I’d had enough of the manipulation. Of the unanswered questions. I needed, no, deserved an explanation.
“What gives me the right?” I shouted. “What gives you the right to treat me like the shit stuck on your shoe? All I’m trying to do is keep a roof over your head, and this is the thanks I get?”
Those green eyes grew huge, the mouth drooping open. Maybe my outburst had shocked her into understanding the error of her wicked ways? Were we moments away from a tearful hug?
No such luck. Instead, the furious woman reached for the keys. I snatched them away.
“Don’t you dare disobey me.”
“Why not?”
“…Because…” She fumbled for a reason. “…I’m your mother.”
From deep in the house, the came a low thump. I glanced around.
“Do as I say. Now.”
My body almost obeyed this request on pure instinct. Her word was a royal decree, unquestionable, absolute. But then beats of sweat ran down her forehead, filtering along the wrinkled grooves. For the first time, cracks appeared in my mother’s impenetrable outer shell.
I walked into the kitchen. As my hands rummaged for a key large enough to fit the basement door, I said, “Are you gonna tell me what Carl’s been doing down there?”
She tugged at my arm, her hands coarse and cool, like reptile claws. “Nothing. He hasn’t been doing anything.”
Another thump.
“Nothing, huh?”
The door opened at a push. I pulled a cord hanging alongside my skull only to illuminate rickety stairs and a filthy, cramped utility room. There was a slit window halfway down the steps, a washer pushed up against the far wall, shelving units crammed with paint and washing powder and ancient records, and musty cardboard boxes scattered around, here and there.
Those groaning steps sagged beneath my weight. Mom followed me along, her hands clinging to the rail. “See? Now enough of this nonsense, come upstairs.”
She followed me into the centre of the space, all jutting nerves. What had her so anxious?
Filled with raw courage, I kicked over a box. Newspapers spilled across the concrete floor and moths fluttered in every direction. I rummaged through hampers, tossed aside rotted furniture infested with woodlice. This was getting me nowhere. You could spend an entire month excavating that mess and barely scrap away the first layer of grime.
Wait. If Mom could stare me into a confession, maybe I could do the same with her? I went and stood facing her, her nose inches from mine. “What’s your secret?”
At first, she only returned fire. But then those emotionless eyes flicked toward the shelving unit.
When I glanced at it, she burst into tears. “You’re right. I’m a terrible mother. Go sit in the lounge, I’ll make you a cup of tea.” The crying unnerved me more than her fury, honestly.
Beneath the shelve, an arch had been ground into the concrete as though somebody dragged a heavy weight back and forth. I grabbed the unit, shimmied it off the wall. With considerable effort, the right side swung out, inch by slow inch, revealing a hidden metal door embedded within the brickwork.
“What the FUCK is this?” I yelled. “Have you got a fucking bomb shelter down here?”
Her icy talon caressed my cheek. “Please, come upstairs. I love you. Your father, he didn’t want it to be this way. But you were so beautiful. With your green eyes and cute button nose. I couldn’t do it. Not to you. Come upstairs. Please.”
“My…father?” I said, breathless.
“His family, they couldn’t know. And the church, oh the things they would have said. He wanted to bulldoze the house and destroy the evidence. He says we’re too old to keep up the charade. It was my accident, George. It scared him. He said we nearly got exposed.”
Above our heads, lights flashed across the wall as a car sped past the window and screeched to a halt. Hysterical now, Mom choked out a feeble, “He’ll be furious.”
Unable to get these events straight in my mind, I twisted the metal handle while she rushed upstairs, wailing.
The door opened onto a windowless tunnel colder than a cave, musty-smelling and choked in darkness. An ungodly stench wafted out; stale air intermixed with sour sweat.
As I retched, chains rattled up ahead.
“…Hello?”
There came tiny cries.
My trembling hands grabbed my phone and switched on the torch. Then, on unsteady legs, I crept forward.
Halfway down the tunnel gaping doorways opened on either side: one contained a toilet and a sink, the other a brief kitchen area. Metal rails ran along the walls at waist height.
The tunnel carried me into a box room, roughly ten feet long and ten feet deep. And as I cast the light in a wide arc, my pulse shot up between my ears.
Sitting on filthy, stained mattresses, frail figures shielded their eyes. On my right, there lay a man and a woman, both made from skin and bones. They wore grey jumpsuits and leather collars attached to the rails by metal chains.
In a stilted accent, the lady said, "Please help us before mother and father realize you are here."
The room shifted on its axis. “…Mother and father?”
"George," another figure cried. My light whipped toward the far wall, where Karima also sat fastened to the rail, her face purple-black with cuts and bruises. Before my mind could process this discovery, footsteps charged along the entryway. I spun around.
A giant man with sharp brown eyes stepped into the confined space, baseball bat in hand, his head almost scraping the low roof. My mother arrived right after him, shrieking, “CARL, STOP, PLEASE STOP!”
I stood there, feet rooted on the spot, until the old fella took a swing at me.
At the very last second, I jumped away. The bat found my phone, which spun out of my hand. Now only ambient light from the basement splashed across the room.
In a wild fury, Carl swung again and again. I sidestepped, ducked, scrambled away.
Next time the club whistled through the air, inches from my face, I threw myself at Carl, and our hands wrestled for control of the weapon.
Round and round we went, a little foxtrot. Once it became obvious his iron grip wouldn’t let up, I drove my forehead into his nose, hard. The bat fell onto the floor, and then my fists reigned down blows, seemingly by themselves. My crappy childhood, all those missed birthdays and cutting remarks and countless hours spent caged inside my room, got channelled into each and every strike.
Although my attacker had thirty years on me, he was stronger than an ox on steroids. He answered every fifth punch with one of his own. Around us, a chorus of "Stop him, please stop him!" went up, like Romans chanting for gladiators.
Soon Carl’s breaths became laboured. Difficult. A hand shot up against his chest. My aggressor couldn’t maintain this pace—I had him.
But then, from a side-angle, Mom flew at me. Sharp, yellow fingernails rake across my face, again and again.
“FOUL DISOBEDIENT CHILD,” she shrieked, as an arthritic finger slice my left eye.
Furious, I clamped my hand over her mouth and shoved her away. From the cathartic sound her body made toppling onto the concrete floor, she’d need a full body cast after this.
Before I could react, Carl tackled me in the chest, driving me backwards until my skull hit the rear wall. A pair of steel hands closed around my windpipe, tighter than a python, and as I fought for air, warm blood trickled down my neck. A vision of my corpse rotting away down there flashed before my eyes. If Mom kept my body hidden, Abbie would grow up believing her dad abandoned her.
But then, with a quick rattle of chains, Karima vaulted onto Carl’s back and bit his ear. Pressure around my throat eased. I pushed myself off the wall and dragged stale air into my lungs.
As Carl backstepped, Karima’s bonds snapped tight. She got yanked backwards as if attached to a bungee cord.
I grabbed the baseball bat and planted my feet and swung. It connected with a resonate thud. Carl spat blood and teeth across the sidewall. Suddenly on Bambi legs, he collapsed sideways and fell into the gloom. Then, a sputter went up.
My hand fumbled along the floor for the light.
Those pale figures hunched over the old man with the stained, red jaw, their chains wrapped tight around his throat, biting deep into the flesh.
Carl pawed at the air, eyes bulging from their sockets. When both arms fell limp and his head slumped over one shoulder, the figures released their chains and looked at my feet, beside which Mom lay on one side taking slow, watery inhales.
From behind, Karima placed a hand on my shoulder. I flinched. I looked from her to the figures and back again. “What the FUCK is going on?”
Gently, she said, “You might want to sit down for this.”
The pair stood, their chains rattling. Four pairs of eyes, brown eyes, studied me closely.
Karima said, “It’s okay. Your mother and Carl, they locked me down here because I found out about this place. The two of them, they’d secretly been together for years, but they kept it secret because Carl had a family. Then when your mom got pregnant, they knew they couldn’t let anybody find out, so they...well…there’d no easy way to say this, but George...”
The nurse took a slow, steady breath. “…meet your brother and sister.”

Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!