Bath and body works rice village

The most common mistake people make when training abs is using a single plane of motion, mainly the frontal plane, doing sit ups.
This DOES NOT work.
The “Core” is a muscle chain you must train using MANY different angles, to tap into its full potential.
The core of the human body can bend forward, back, twist, go side to side, lift your legs, everything in between and much more.
Here are 3 unconventional calisthenics movements to add to your routine to build a well rounded and functional core muscles.
These moves are ideally performed on parallel bars or high parallettes. Click each link below.
Side straddles

• Repetitions: 4-8 reps
• Sets: 3 sets

In’s and Out’s

• Repetitions: 10-12 reps
• Sets: 5 sets

Tucked Toe taps

• Repetitions: 8-10 reps
• Sets: 5 sets

If you are new, click here to join the best calisthenics and coaching programs, from beginner to advanced.

I’m really proud of myself and I don’t have anyone to share this with, and tbh I’m not sure where else to post this.
I 19 F moved out at 17 and cut contact with my fathers side of the family (they are very toxic and immature, they prefer drama over family’s health and happiness). I was living in hotels for months eventually got housing with a job, then had to leave cus corporate was crooked. At 18 I was renting an apartment, it was a shitty one but it worked out especially since I was in an expensive state. 3 weeks ago I left the state and now living in a completely different state far away from that shit hole. I have an amazing job, I make $10 an hour but killer in tips. I’m renting a 3 bed 2 bath house, got a new (used) car. Life is going amazing for me. I have the best partner, he’s loving, sweet, charming, funny, and so much more. Im not in poverty (for the most part) anymore. I’m proud of myself that I got this far, and that I’m doing better then many people in my family, it’s feels amazing.
Now for the part that gives me a power trip.
My father 43, he’s a man child. He doesn’t know how to take care of himself and had someone take care of him for years, be it my mother, sister, me or someone else. He is a failure of a father. He lives in the same house (his mother owns) doesn’t always pay rent, that his mother brought down to about $600-$1,000 when it should be about $17,000 give or take. He spends all his money on pizza and weed. He constantly asks his mommy for money. He was out of a job for month so my sister was paying the bills, and he was to lazy to find a job, got his mother to print resumes for him but he didn’t go out to apply or go online. Now my sister moved out (again) and he’s all by himself. For years he’s been going on and on about how he wants to move away from the family (his meth head sister lives in the basement, his mother lives literally across the street with his other sister and her family). Not only that he also says how he wants to leave the state, get far away from everyone (hell don’t blame him, I did). This man can’t save his money, isn’t finance smart or dependent, doesn’t even under stand the planing it takes to move to a different state. I saved up a lot and I went through most of it quickly cus it isn’t cheap going to a different state.
It brings me joy that I know this man is still miserably living in that same home with that toxic family. That he won’t be able to leave because of his stupidity and his refusal to get his act together. If he goes to live with one of his tiktok “friends” I’m sure they will see how piggy he is and how he isn’t independent and get sick of it, eventually I’m sure they will kick him out. He made my life hell, he made me miserable. It’s great to know I’m doing better then he is at life.

You can and should try to imagine it. I am terrible at explaining myself towards a doctor who is a therapist. It seems I’ve been doing it for years and made no progress so much that now I refuse to my parents to do therapy any longer. I was completely useless at therapy even though it’s supposed to be about me and help me.
It also seems like I have no story to tell while there. I’ve made my entire personality on my life’s suffering and deep thoughts on life and philosophy but it’s getting me nowhere in therapy. I don’t know what they expect me to say and I don’t know what to say either. No I don’t get bullied, I didn’t lose a girlfriend, I don’t really have body dysmorphia, I don’t have severe anxiety at the time, I don’t really have any crazy delusions or paranoia. I don’t have a particularly sad and pathetic life although it is heading that way. I’m just unworkable. It’s nearly impossible to work with me. They act like I’m not telling them something when I try and tell them everything important
Number one problem I have when they have therapy is “what is your problem”I don’t know my problem and that’s why I’m here with you and they don’t seem capable of figuring it out either

I found out a man Id been seeing for over a year is married. Told me he's separated "done and dusted" was the phrase. Doesn't take me long to find people online. Not gonna say how I found out, cos F*** him and I don't want him to know but it was an easy Internet search. Turns out he's done it loads even when she was pregnant with their first baby. His wife is a stupid c***. She said she was told by other women it was just sex, but for us... he met some of my family, we had nights out, I had things in his flat like toothbrush, exorcise hour conditioner, bath robe. He'd put my favourite wine and snacks in his home fridge for me for after work for movie time. He's probably told her since I told her that it was just sex, but it wasn't. He invested time in me. I'm completely done so the time now seems like the biggest con, and I hope he jumps off a balcony. His sons don't need a mother who constantly allows a man to cheat on her, and they also don't deserve a father who disrespectfully cheats on their mother time and time again.

I'm (25F) in grad school for health profession. Just started my 3rd and final year of school with a hospital clinical that is mon-fri unpaid 40 hours a week for the next 9 weeks. This past year I got into my first relationship, and I couldn't be happier about it, it absolutely came out of nowhere at a time I was fairly certain (and kind of happy) about the fact I was going to be on my own for the foreseeable future.
I've always been pretty independent and enjoyed doing things for myself, being alone never bothered me much. Sometimes I thought it might be nice to have a partner, but once I was settled into the peaceful quietness of my parents basement with a decent sized bowl of ice cream and a new episode of my favorite show or video game queued up to relax, I couldn't imagine enjoying anything more. I'd go out to bars/club or other social settings with friends for dancing, fun, and socialization. flirting was fun but I always wanted to go home alone to my own clean bed and not have to worry about staying over somewhere else or having to deal w someone else in the morning. I lived my life very much to my own enjoyment specifications and never felt I was missing out on something. I received all of the socialization I needed from my friends and I was satisfied with that. I always thought I had a decent grasp on how to be a good partner but never cared enough to pursue a relationship just because it seemed like a burden to some degree, I have to make time for them, spend money on them, manage their emotions as well as mine, and in a way if the relationship becomes long term have a part of my identity reside with them which seemed scary. It never felt like something I needed, I planned my next 10 years under the impression of continuing on single as I had my entire adult life.
This is all to say I could not have been more wrong.
The person I fell in love with is the most perfect thing on the planet and I'm not sure if I could ever be as happy as I was alone again, now that I know what this kind of happiness feels like. This is a person that makes my day better just on sight. They are just good. It sounds boring I know, but I don't know how else to describe it. They're so kind and thoughtful and their heart is just so... good. Their love and attention is the most beautiful feeling to experience. And she's a complete badass, I genuinely don't know what I did to deserve this person. I feel incredibly safe and comfortable w her (even though she still makes me a little nervous in a good way sometimes), and I know I could tell her anything (for reference I've never been big on telling people anything personal outside of normal conversation, I've always been very private). We don't have every single thing in common which is honestly great, I love hearing her talk about things she loves that I don't know about, and our values and expectations of life are synchronous. She makes me laugh. We have a really wonderful sense of trust and understanding between us. I want to do everything for her, I want her to fall asleep with me and to be able to hold her in the morning. The way she smells and feels when I hug her makes it nearly impossible to let go. I want to buy everything for her I think would make her happy (even though I probably can't afford it anyway, and we do have a pretty equal way of splitting things). I want to do all of the stuff I did when I was single but with her (shocking revelation, I know).
Cuddling with someone you love while watching your favorite show is better then anytime I've spent out at a bar or other social setting. It's completely euphoric. I love making time for her and will drive anywhere to see her (sometimes we're over an hour apart and I currently work early 7 days/week). I get sad when I cant see her, I still love being alone, but it's not as fun when I am. I think about her the entire time. I love learning everything about her whether it's emotionally tough or otherwise. I've never been prouder to be associated with another person, and I want people to think of her when they see me and vice versa. Oh my god and on top of all that she's absolutely stunning, beautiful, gorgeous. It's objectively undeniable, I thought that before we even became interested in each other. I mean I never saw myself as particularly ugly but I'm a complete scrub next to this person. I know this isn't big news and most people have known all of these things since they started dating as teenagers. But it's been a big deal for me, and it's really exciting. I honestly just assumed I didn't have the ability to feel those feelings. Now my life feels completely different.
Back to the original point of this post though, it's that I'm tired. Clinical has me waking up earlier than I usually do and the hospital setting is draining physically and emotionally, it takes up most of my day and I practically drop when I get home. Not a lot of time or energy left over to do the things I enjoy. No relief on the weekends either I still have to wake up early sat/sun for my paid job. I know some people have it worse, but all of that wouldn't matter to me if I didn't have someone perfect it was keeping me from. I'm about an hour and 20 from this person at the moment, and it's difficult to get to her when we have to wake up so early the next day-- Usually I wouldn't care about going to work tired but this clinical demands my active attention and I just operate better if I can get at least 7 hours. Now the solution isn't so obvious that she come and stay with me more often, she also has a clinical with similar hours closer to where she's currently living. So travelling back and forth over the week becomes cumbersome for both of us, especially after hobbies and such. Because I work on the weekends too, and live with my parents at the moment to save money, she has to wake up early with me on what's supposed to be her day off those days and drive all the way back to her appt, which I feel terrible asking her to do. But I love and appreciate when she does (and I let her know).
I'm not looking for solutions I know this issue will all be over in 9 weeks, but it's just really bumming me out and I wanted to get it off my chest (and wanted to talk about how much I love her for a bit). This person makes me so happy, and it's hard seeing her stressed and tired on top of me also being stressed and tired. We see each other only once a week right now which is a stark contrast from when we saw each other everyday in class, and when she lived closer (was only 30 mins away from my home at that time, we called ourselves spoiled about it). I'm not concerned about drifting apart or anything like that I'm just sad about the time i'm missing being with this person. but I know there will be more to have in the future. Not to brag but I feel like I kind of absolutely nailed it first try with this person, I don't think I'd mind at all being with her for a very long time. I know I sound incredibly naïve saying all this about my first relationship but I don't mind that criticism. It might be true I'm being naïve, but if she is how my heart gets broken one day, I'll always be thankful she showed me what a healthy love looks like and I feel pretty secure about that. In all the time we've been together now it's never become easier to say goodbye to her, and the absolute burning fire in my heart for her as only become larger... but maybe calmer. Whereas the initial falling in love feels unwieldy and beautifully uncontrollable (which is an amazing experience on its own)-- developing our relationship over the months has made the fire functional, capable of warming a home and feeding a village. Large, beautiful, and sustainable. She makes me feel so sure, so secure, and so happy.
I appreciate anyone who reads this or gets this far. I ended up writing much more than I thought. I've been having a hard time in general with other factors in my life and this entire situation has just felt heavier. It's depressing working everyday and only really having free time to eat, shower and sleep. simply wanted to write it out somewhere to unweight a bit and spill it out somewhere in the bowels of the internet.

Need body actors for YouTube Minecraft machinimas, these videos will have different themes, we currently are working on three different series, these having medieval, cowboy, and vigilante hero themes, (each one is a different series)
I currently have communication issues on Xbox, so we will need to use discord to talk, plus we can make a community for all body actors and production related people to schedule recording times and such.
Dm for info/ discord link

I was going to be late. I was on the verge of panic, uncertain of where I’d come from or why I was late, but I was going to be late.
Today was supposed to be different. I was sure of it. The start of something new. My only opportunity to move out of my little dead-end corner of Appalachia rested on me arriving for the night shift on time.
I sped over the rolling road in a panic. Dense old growth rushed past in a blur periodically broken by small plots of pasture, apple orchards and fields that a few months earlier were brimming with corn. Shadows danced out there in the dim moonlight and the closer I got to the airfield the more separated from the small outlying town I felt.
My steering wheel was cold and it vibrated wildly in rhythm with my heart. I tapped it impatiently.
The rusted hulk nearly left the road each time I crested a hillock. My suspension groaned under the salt spurred corrosion and strain.
I can get a new car if this all works out.
I nearly missed my turn. Fishtailing, I plodded off the main road onto an aptly named “Airport Drive”.
I came to a halt at the designated stall and turned the car off.
A minute to spare.
I looked out into the darkness beyond the parking area and a tingle ran down my spine. The shadows that were once dancing as I passed were still now and the air oppressive. My hands were tingled with cold yet brimmed with sweat. Before opening the door, I took a few deep breaths, flattened my hair, and made sure my uniform was sharp. Looking into my image in the rearview mirror I cleared my throat.
“Alright buddy. You’ve been drifting from service job to service job in this dying county for half a decade. Somethings got to change. *You’ve* got to change. You’ve got a daughter now, you can’t be out there chasing bar weasels and getting drunk every other night. It’s time to up your game. You aren’t the little boy who had to stand in the corner with his nose to the wall every time you messed up anymore. Now your choices matter for her life too. The pay and experience here are going to help springboard you off into something bigger and brighter. You can do this.”
My car door shrieked open causing the chirping and croaks in the forest around the airfield to briefly fall silent. The crunch of gravel followed me across the unpaved, unmarked parking spaces poorly illuminated by one lonely floodlight. I made my way to the entrance of the terminal and pulled open the door to the chime of an old brass bell.
“Oh, hey buddy.” He glanced at the clock. “You’re early.” Stepping into the room I saw Gus casually looking up from his crossword, bifocals resting on his fat, bright red nose.
“Yessir. I figured maybe if things weren’t too busy we could get started early. I’ve heard night shift can be a lot to take in.”
His brows furrowed and his mouth hung half open.
“Well….alright, I guess. But we’ll be easing you in. Just the basics for the first week.” He held up a finger, “Will and I are gonna rotate each night, until we know you’ve got the hang of it, then we’ll start giving you more responsibilities – if you’re up to it.”
We spent several hours on the night shift responsibilities for the airfield. Many of the duties weren’t too complicated. When we went to the control room at the base of the single tower overlooking the tarmac we flipped several very clearly marked switches turning the runway lights on and off. Then we walked over the several generators tucked away behind baggage claim to check their fuel and oil levels.
“Checking these emergency generators things each night seems a bit overkill, no?” I asked.
Gus smiled. “These aren’t for emergencies. This is our power. Yea, this past winter much to our surprise we found that some of the power poles came down. Some heavy rainfall right before the first snow turned the ground to soup and the just sort of…fell over.”
“They really shouldn’t do that.”
Gus shrugged. “Yea well, corners get cut all over the place. Damn things still aren’t back up, so here we are.”
As we walked back over to the portables for baggage claim and arrivals/departures. Another tingle ran down my spine. Instinctively I looked around and caught sight of something out in the dark. It was the feeling of being watched. I tried to focus my eyes on the darkness. I saw some gently pulsating shadows near the trees but nothing more.
The chirping and croaks were nowhere to be heard and I shivered.
“Come on kid, I ain’t got all night.”
I came to and trotted over to where Gus had stopped. “Sorry, I thought I saw…something.”
We continued onward, restocking the restrooms, went over baggage tagging and safe lifting procedures and the other mundane parts of preparing for the night’s departures and arrivals.
Finally, we wrapped up my first training session with perimeter checks.
Gus’ labored breathing alternated with his footfalls on the blacktop as we walked down the small runway.
“Every 3 hours you are going to be making this walk.” He gestured around. “You start over at the ATC tower and head out to the tree line, then follow that parallel to the tarmac until you pass the last of the landing lights and keep going until you hit the transmission shack. Don’t get distracted and go off following the transmission lines. Had a guy do that a year or two ago and it took us a week only to find his ass mumbling by the side of the road talking about the linemen – boy wasn’t right after that.”
He paused thoughtfully for a moment.
“Anywho, after the transmission shack you hook right following the shore of the river until you hit Eddie’s orchard then head back. You’ll pass his cornfield and follow that until you see the two terminal portables, then you check the parking lot and come back to the office to enter it all in the logbook. Just need to make sure there ain’t nothing out there that shouldn’t be.”
We continued walking in silence for a few minutes. “So what do I do if I find something? Are we looking for the Wilson boys or something? I thought they stopped causing trouble after you…”
“Well, you need to enter it in the logbook for one.”
“Bears? What do I do if it’s bears?”
He stopped. “Bears? What the hell are you rambling about? We don’t get bears this time of year. Oh, and be sure to bring your bear spray.”
“Even though there aren’t bears?”
“It’s under the counter next to the logbook.” He paused again. “If you see any wildlife, just take the truck out there and honk at it to get it away from the runway. Be sure to use your high beams, too. Very important. You see any people you get back to the office and call the Sheriff – don’t need to be a hero. You hear anything weird out there in the dark you leave it be, if it’s off property it’s not our problem.”
“Any questions?” he asked as we got back to the office.
A few.
“No, I’m good.”
“Great, Will’s in the control tower if anything comes up. No flights scheduled for tonight so it should be awfully quiet. Here’s the keys to the castle. Adios.”
He placed a massive key ring into my hand that had more keys than there were doors on the property and took off.
I sat down behind the counter, looked at the broken clock and sighed.
I was able to knock out the task list before midnight and had 6 more hours to kill before the end of my shift. There was no cell service, because of course not. I tried reading an old Town and Country magazine I found stashed under the desk and found most of the pages had been covered in circles and doodles by someone who must have been just as bored as I was on some unknown shift prior.
I decided to sweep up and clean the counters to keep myself busy and after I was done it was only 12:15.
I groaned.
The silence was oppressive. Outside the window was an empty, dark expanse with a slowly strobing series of red lights marking the flight line. I felt safer indoors but even then as I stared into the dark something felt off. If I turned my gaze from the windows I could see something out of the corner of my eyes. Branches swaying in the breeze.
There was no wind here.
12:34.
I pulled the logbook out from its shelf and placed it on the counter entering my start time, grabbed my flashlight and headed out into the frigid night.
The occasional whistling of the wind punctuated my footfalls. I passed red light posts every few yards on a never-ending runway. I kept walking for what felt like half an hour, losing count of the lights I’d passed. I turned back out of curiosity and still saw the slowly receding light of the air traffic control tower confirming that yes, all was well. After the runway ended I continued into the dark until coming to the boarded up transmission shack and the power lines that ran off into the forest.
I came the edge of the marsh and began following it. Minutes passed. I turned to get my bearings on the tower and found it’s lonely beacon, but I also noticed a void in the dark – not a blackness per-se, black is a color. No, it was a complete lack of color, a hole in existence out past the power lines. It was getting larger.
I picked up my pace.
I got to the orchard and looked back finding that the lights were out. All of them were out. And that thing in the forest was growing near.
I stood there and watched it for several minutes waiting for it to move. It didn’t.
I turned back now walking as fast as I could. After a dozen yards I stopped and turned around.
It was closer, I was sure of it. Much closer.
I turned and began to jog forgetting everything Gus had told me. It was gaining on me.
Now I was in a full-blown run down the flight line, glancing back every few moments, still unable to see it but sure it was there. The thing that had been watching me since I got here. The thing that drove a cold shock down my spine. This was it.
My legs pumped like pistons and the sting of cold air shot through my chest with each strained, gasping breath.
I passed the recently harvested cornfield, in which stood two perfectly still Deer judging me for my frantic escape.
It was gaining on me.
Finally I came to the portables. I slammed into the nearest door but it stood firm. I slammed my shoulder into it three more times and it didn’t budge. I remembered my key chain.
I pulled it out and started flipping through the keys. *too many keys*.
First key. No.
Second key. No.
Third key. No.
The fourth key worked, the tumbler clicked and I was in. Slamming the door back in place, I frantically locked it.
My hands were shaking and even though I was panting, I went to the window. The void cast long shadows across the field as it stood transfixed not on me, but on the deer.
“Shhhh” a man’s voice whispered from behind me.
“Oh SWEET JESUS FU-“ I screamed as a hand clamped down on my mouth.
“SHHH.” Sharper this time, commanding. “It’s me.” Will whispered, releasing his hand from my mouth.
“What..” I replied quietly as I turned to see him using his phone to maneuver the drone. “What’s going on? You scared the shit out of me. Nice to meet you by the way I’m..”
He smiled, “You gotta be more careful buddy, Didn’t Gus tell you not to go out into the woods?” Now that I could hear him clearly, his odd vowel pronunciation took me off guard. He’d fit right in, in Venice beach. Surfers. He sounded exactly like how I imagined California Surfers sounded. Very out of place for this part of the country. I shook the thought from my mind.
“I didn’t, I..”
He shushed me and pointed to the deer.
“Just…watch.”
I’d never seen deer stay still so long.
I strained my eyes to see. The shadows, tilled earth and wilted corn husks broke up the terrain making it hard to see what was hidden in plain sight. I’d see movement then have to dismiss it as wind kicking up gentle curtains of soil or the shifting of a shadow from the small movements in the night.
Slowly a thin sharp shadow moved, followed by another, then another. They moved in concert from that enormous void that had followed me.
The deer stood transfixed before it all happened at once.
A mixture of humanlike screams erupted as each of their bodies were slammed into the ground. Viscera painted the wind. In another moment the light went out and I heard Will sigh.
The wind whistled and died, but we could still hear it out there breathing heavily as it gorged itself. From where I stood I could only see a throbbing silhouette breaking the horizon as it went to work. A crisp snap rang out as it pulled limb by limb from the carcass. The throbbing of the shape slowed as a new sound arose. A contented hum made its presence felt through the rattling of the windows and doors and threatened to overwhelm my own beating heart.
The sound rose as the shape slowly moved closer.
“What do we..”
Will shushed me.
I jumped and stifled a scream as a wet, boneless appendage slammed against the window curiously. The doorknob rattled though this time not from the creatures’ purr but from it’s clumsy efforts to open the door and join us inside.
The ceiling creaked above us under a massive weight.
It groaned as if remembering something and suddenly began moving away back towards the trees. There were no footfalls, just the gently receding sound of a blissful purr.
When it finally entered the world beyond its movements melted into those of the swaying branches becoming indiscernible. The more I tried to focus on it the harder it was to recall its form or the impossibility I’d just witnessed.
Will smiled and patted me on the shoulder sadly, “Welcome to Murkintok.”

I'm a newb at bands and thought I'd reach out to yall for perspective. I'm (F, 30's, 5'4, 255) trying to work on upper body strength and I've never been able to do a pull up. I saw bands help but wasn't sure what resistance I should invest in. I can only hold myself for about 10 seconds so I'm assuming I'll need a lot of resistance to start. Does anyone have a size and brand recommendation that's in a reasonable price? I did quick search and saw some bands were around $85. I'm probably looking to spend $40 right now but don't want something cheap that's going to bitch slap me because it breaks. Thanks in advance!

My old man Jimmy is nearly 14. He’s is great health but has issues with his shoulder muscles deteriorating therefore he trips on walks often. To the point where he face plants it. He’s on pain meds and injections weekly. I don’t want to take away his walks because that is where he gets the most enjoyment. I am looking for a harness that has handles on top near the shoulders. I don’t think the long full body strap (should to tail type) would work well because I’m short and he’s tall and he would still eat it if he tripped. I also don’t know if the full jacket type one would work because he’s a chow and we will live in San Diego so it would be too warm. Any suggestion for this very specific need? Googling has been less than helpful.

For about nine years, I’ve had trichotillomania, which basically means I pull my hair compulsively. I’ll be in a trance pulling my hair without realizing. It’s akin to mail-biting, I guess. At least I WISH my problem was nail biting and not this shit. I basically get a pleasure when I pull specific hairs out. The pleasure quickly subsides until the impulse to pull builds up shortly after.
Over the years, the pulling has just gotten worse. Now, it’s so bad that I have a large bald spot in the middle-front part of my head. When I met this guy, I was able to do certain hairstyles to hide the spot until it grew back. Now the spot is a LOT bigger. (My pulling was accelerated by a hormonal(?) medicine my OBGYN gave me that had me so anxious I was shaking)
I know my hair will grow back but it will take a while. I have been wearing a wig in the mean time which most people can’t tell is a wig bc I put a lot of work into it.
My hair is really one of the few physical traits I’m self conscious of. I have a really nice fit body and a pretty face. All the other things I’ve hated about my body I just don’t care about anymore (I guess that comes with age). The hair disgust will never go away. I look so weird when I don’t have on a wig or head wrap.
I don’t think the guy I’m with would judge me but I can’t shake the feeling that he might wish he had someone comfortable with their natural hair. He might want someone whose hair he can run his fingers through when he wants to be physically intimate. Even if this guy and I don’t last, I would just think about this with the next guy. The insecurities won’t go away.
I don’t know how to bring this up with him. He already knows about the hair pulling but he doesn’t know how bad it is nor has ever seen it. I don’t know what to do as far as communicating this with him.

My mom is a really cold, emotionless mother most of the time, with glimpses of sweetness, and frequent upsets. I grew up in a really filthy house and had no structure. My parents were only consistently present to punish.
My mom on the other hand, had a loving and doting mother. My grandma is truly one of the kindest and most generous people on the planet. She is loved by all she meets because she is so honest, and has great energy. My mother grew up in a structured household that was clean, she always had clean clothes picked out for her for school, and they ate healthy home cooked meals. Her dad was amazing too! He would play guitar and sing to her throughout her childhood. The only issue she faced from her parents were that they worked too much, but they were always kind and loving.
So why tf did I get THIS mom? It seems soooo unfair lmao. My 9 year old mom was getting out of baths ran for her, she got to change into clean clothes her mom chose for her, and got to walk out into a clean kitchen to eat a healthy dinner that was made with love. Me at 9 years old however, would shower on my tiptoes bcuz it was so gross, use a tshirt as a towel bcuz none were clean, hit myself in the head (literally) because I forgot to rotate my laundry after homework, put my dirty clothes back on, then I would either eat a warm meal of frozen chicken nuggets, or refreshing cereal out of a mug.
Sometimes it makes me suspicious of my grandparents. No way awesome parents like that could create a person like this. They have to have done something wrong, right? But i used to stay with them by myself over summer (different states) and those are my most peaceful and cherished memories. They were genuinely the best grandparents ever.
I know jealousy is ugly, but I cant help it when Ive found myself screaming into a void looking for some help, for my mom, knowing I will have to solve this, too, alone, but she can just call hers up and feel loved whenever she feels sad.
Can anyone relate?
Kitty cat baby
Come let me pet your soft fur
Please don't have rabies !

Btw this is written on a throwaway account just in case for my sanity.
I’m currently back from college for the summer and living with my parents. I want to make it clear that my parents were not bad parents. They’d let me participate in different activities, and would provide all of my basic needs. This is the first week I’ve been back home and being back, I’ve started to realize that my parents may be a bit emotionally abusive. Just yesterday I said something about how I was going to do something, and they mockingly repeated what I said back to me. They also teased me about random things, like I said I’d grab food for myself in 20 minutes, and my dad repeated back, “oh so 4 hours,” but it wasn’t really in a fun joking manner. I also heard them talking about me and how I had all this stuff I brought back to college that I didn’t end up using and pretty much saying that I was spoiled and don’t need more stuff, which yes, there was a lot I realized I didn’t need, but it was mostly different food items that I had left over, and me bringing too many clothes (all of which I already owned). My parents also said that I really shouldn’t need them to help me move in and out of college since I am a capable adult, even though I do live relatively close to the college (about an hour away) and I was moving out on a weekend where a lot of parents were there helping their kids move out, and I ended up coming home after spending about 4 hours moving out by myself and saw my parents just on the couch watching TV.

 Thinking back on my childhood, I remember specific incidents. I remember one time, when I was 9 or 10, that I was crying and my parents decided to lock their bedroom door, and while I was crying outside their door I could hear them talking and laughing about me crying. My dad and I often got into shouting matches when I was younger, which my mom usually blamed on him being away for work often. Every other weekend he was home we’d usually end up in a shouting match about something, and my mom would always tell me after that he has stuff going on and that he’s not actually upset at me but instead what he’s going through. One time I was about 10, my dad and I were shouting and pretty much he was just telling me to stop and go to bed and he ended up shoving me to the ground and he left and my mom finally came over and started talking to me and trying to comfort me and I was crying more at this point and kept saying how he just shoved me and she said well he shouldn’t have done that but he does have a lot going on right now. I think I mentioned once when I was younger to my mom while I was crying after an argument with my dad that I thought my dad was emotionally abusive and said that that’s not okay and that I wanted to call CPS and she said that you don’t want him going away forever do you? So I ended up never doing anything about it. After an argument my dad sometimes ended up giving me the silent treatment after I tried talking to him about it. My dad often called me lazy and useless, incapable, and that I never applied myself. He also said stuff about my weight a lot. He would rarely curse at me, but my mom doesn’t tolerate any language in the household. Once at a doctors appointment I filled out a depression screening while my mom was in the room and I checked a few things and the doctor said that while I didn’t check many things off I should still go talk to someone about why I checked certain boxes. After we left, my mom said you’re fine right, you don’t actually need to go talk to someone right? Like you’re just a bit sad today, so you don’t need a therapist. And so my mental health was never brought up again. There are maybe some signs and symptoms I have now or had in the past from these things. I think my particular ones are at the age of 11 I had thoughts of hurting myself, and throughout middle school to now I’ve always had a low self esteem and body image issues. I also whenever make a mistake always worry what my parents reaction will be and prepare for the worst. I generally, ever since high school, tried participating in as many things possible, typically being at the school from 8am till 9pm, so I could limit the time with my parents. When I’m at home, I like to spend as much time as possible in my room so I don’t have to interact with them, or really only leave my room when they’re asleep. I can also recall specific incidents from my childhood of them teasing me in some way. I also rarely cry now (once every 2 months) and if I do I refuse to do it around other people. 

Anyways, am I overthinking about my parents just being upset with me sometimes like parents are sometimes or were they actually emotionally abusive? Any responses would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

I like the flood beam with good throw and the body is easy to hold and doesn’t get hot with the two 18650s. It’s a simple work light I can pass to anyone and they can use.

I was going to be late. I was on the verge of panic, uncertain of where I’d come from or why I was late, but I was going to be late.
Today was supposed to be different. I was sure of it. The start of something new. My only opportunity to move out of my little dead-end corner of Appalachia rested on me arriving for the night shift on time.
I sped over the rolling road in a panic. Dense old growth rushed past in a blur periodically broken by small plots of pasture, apple orchards and fields that a few months earlier were brimming with corn. Shadows danced out there in the dim moonlight and the closer I got to the airfield the more separated from the small outlying town I felt.
My steering wheel was cold and it vibrated wildly in rhythm with my heart. I tapped it impatiently.
The rusted hulk nearly left the road each time I crested a hillock. My suspension groaned under the salt spurred corrosion and strain.
I can get a new car if this all works out.
I nearly missed my turn. Fishtailing, I plodded off the main road onto an aptly named “Airport Drive”.
I came to a halt at the designated stall and turned the car off.
A minute to spare.
I looked out into the darkness beyond the parking area and a tingle ran down my spine. The shadows that were once dancing as I passed were still now and the air oppressive. My hands were tingled with cold yet brimmed with sweat. Before opening the door, I took a few deep breaths, flattened my hair, and made sure my uniform was sharp. Looking into my image in the rearview mirror I cleared my throat.
“Alright buddy. You’ve been drifting from service job to service job in this dying county for half a decade. Somethings got to change. *You’ve* got to change. You’ve got a daughter now, you can’t be out there chasing bar weasels and getting drunk every other night. It’s time to up your game. You aren’t the little boy who had to stand in the corner with his nose to the wall every time you messed up anymore. Now your choices matter for her life too. The pay and experience here are going to help springboard you off into something bigger and brighter. You can do this.”
My car door shrieked open causing the chirping and croaks in the forest around the airfield to briefly fall silent. The crunch of gravel followed me across the unpaved, unmarked parking spaces poorly illuminated by one lonely floodlight. I made my way to the entrance of the terminal and pulled open the door to the chime of an old brass bell.
“Oh, hey buddy.” He glanced at the clock. “You’re early.” Stepping into the room I saw Gus casually looking up from his crossword, bifocals resting on his fat, bright red nose.
“Yessir. I figured maybe if things weren’t too busy we could get started early. I’ve heard night shift can be a lot to take in.”
His brows furrowed and his mouth hung half open.
“Well….alright, I guess. But we’ll be easing you in. Just the basics for the first week.” He held up a finger, “Will and I are gonna rotate each night, until we know you’ve got the hang of it, then we’ll start giving you more responsibilities – if you’re up to it.”
We spent several hours on the night shift responsibilities for the airfield. Many of the duties weren’t too complicated. When we went to the control room at the base of the single tower overlooking the tarmac we flipped several very clearly marked switches turning the runway lights on and off. Then we walked over the several generators tucked away behind baggage claim to check their fuel and oil levels.
“Checking these emergency generators things each night seems a bit overkill, no?” I asked.
Gus smiled. “These aren’t for emergencies. This is our power. Yea, this past winter much to our surprise we found that some of the power poles came down. Some heavy rainfall right before the first snow turned the ground to soup and the just sort of…fell over.”
“They really shouldn’t do that.”
Gus shrugged. “Yea well, corners get cut all over the place. Damn things still aren’t back up, so here we are.”
As we walked back over to the portables for baggage claim and arrivals/departures. Another tingle ran down my spine. Instinctively I looked around and caught sight of something out in the dark. It was the feeling of being watched. I tried to focus my eyes on the darkness. I saw some gently pulsating shadows near the trees but nothing more.
The chirping and croaks were nowhere to be heard and I shivered.
“Come on kid, I ain’t got all night.”
I came to and trotted over to where Gus had stopped. “Sorry, I thought I saw…something.”
We continued onward, restocking the restrooms, went over baggage tagging and safe lifting procedures and the other mundane parts of preparing for the night’s departures and arrivals.
Finally, we wrapped up my first training session with perimeter checks.
Gus’ labored breathing alternated with his footfalls on the blacktop as we walked down the small runway.
“Every 3 hours you are going to be making this walk.” He gestured around. “You start over at the ATC tower and head out to the tree line, then follow that parallel to the tarmac until you pass the last of the landing lights and keep going until you hit the transmission shack. Don’t get distracted and go off following the transmission lines. Had a guy do that a year or two ago and it took us a week only to find his ass mumbling by the side of the road talking about the linemen – boy wasn’t right after that.”
He paused thoughtfully for a moment.
“Anywho, after the transmission shack you hook right following the shore of the river until you hit Eddie’s orchard then head back. You’ll pass his cornfield and follow that until you see the two terminal portables, then you check the parking lot and come back to the office to enter it all in the logbook. Just need to make sure there ain’t nothing out there that shouldn’t be.”
We continued walking in silence for a few minutes. “So what do I do if I find something? Are we looking for the Wilson boys or something? I thought they stopped causing trouble after you…”
“Well, you need to enter it in the logbook for one.”
“Bears? What do I do if it’s bears?”
He stopped. “Bears? What the hell are you rambling about? We don’t get bears this time of year. Oh, and be sure to bring your bear spray.”
“Even though there aren’t bears?”
“It’s under the counter next to the logbook.” He paused again. “If you see any wildlife, just take the truck out there and honk at it to get it away from the runway. Be sure to use your high beams, too. Very important. You see any people you get back to the office and call the Sheriff – don’t need to be a hero. You hear anything weird out there in the dark you leave it be, if it’s off property it’s not our problem.”
“Any questions?” he asked as we got back to the office.
A few.
“No, I’m good.”
“Great, Will’s in the control tower if anything comes up. No flights scheduled for tonight so it should be awfully quiet. Here’s the keys to the castle. Adios.”
He placed a massive key ring into my hand that had more keys than there were doors on the property and took off.
I sat down behind the counter, looked at the broken clock and sighed.
I was able to knock out the task list before midnight and had 6 more hours to kill before the end of my shift. There was no cell service, because of course not. I tried reading an old Town and Country magazine I found stashed under the desk and found most of the pages had been covered in circles and doodles by someone who must have been just as bored as I was on some unknown shift prior.
I decided to sweep up and clean the counters to keep myself busy and after I was done it was only 12:15.
I groaned.
The silence was oppressive. Outside the window was an empty, dark expanse with a slowly strobing series of red lights marking the flight line. I felt safer indoors but even then as I stared into the dark something felt off. If I turned my gaze from the windows I could see something out of the corner of my eyes. Branches swaying in the breeze.
There was no wind here.
12:34.
I pulled the logbook out from its shelf and placed it on the counter entering my start time, grabbed my flashlight and headed out into the frigid night.
The occasional whistling of the wind punctuated my footfalls. I passed red light posts every few yards on a never-ending runway. I kept walking for what felt like half an hour, losing count of the lights I’d passed. I turned back out of curiosity and still saw the slowly receding light of the air traffic control tower confirming that yes, all was well. After the runway ended I continued into the dark until coming to the boarded up transmission shack and the power lines that ran off into the forest.
I came the edge of the marsh and began following it. Minutes passed. I turned to get my bearings on the tower and found it’s lonely beacon, but I also noticed a void in the dark – not a blackness per-se, black is a color. No, it was a complete lack of color, a hole in existence out past the power lines. It was getting larger.
I picked up my pace.
I got to the orchard and looked back finding that the lights were out. All of them were out. And that thing in the forest was growing near.
I stood there and watched it for several minutes waiting for it to move. It didn’t.
I turned back now walking as fast as I could. After a dozen yards I stopped and turned around.
It was closer, I was sure of it. Much closer.
I turned and began to jog forgetting everything Gus had told me. It was gaining on me.
Now I was in a full-blown run down the flight line, glancing back every few moments, still unable to see it but sure it was there. The thing that had been watching me since I got here. The thing that drove a cold shock down my spine. This was it.
My legs pumped like pistons and the sting of cold air shot through my chest with each strained, gasping breath.
I passed the recently harvested cornfield, in which stood two perfectly still Deer judging me for my frantic escape.
It was gaining on me.
Finally I came to the portables. I slammed into the nearest door but it stood firm. I slammed my shoulder into it three more times and it didn’t budge. I remembered my key chain.
I pulled it out and started flipping through the keys. *too many keys*.
First key. No.
Second key. No.
Third key. No.
The fourth key worked, the tumbler clicked and I was in. Slamming the door back in place, I frantically locked it.
My hands were shaking and even though I was panting, I went to the window. The void cast long shadows across the field as it stood transfixed not on me, but on the deer.
“Shhhh” a man’s voice whispered from behind me.
“Oh SWEET JESUS FU-“ I screamed as a hand clamped down on my mouth.
“SHHH.” Sharper this time, commanding. “It’s me.” Will whispered, releasing his hand from my mouth.
“What..” I replied quietly as I turned to see him using his phone to maneuver the drone. “What’s going on? You scared the shit out of me. Nice to meet you by the way I’m..”
He smiled, “You gotta be more careful buddy, Didn’t Gus tell you not to go out into the woods?” Now that I could hear him clearly, his odd vowel pronunciation took me off guard. He’d fit right in, in Venice beach. Surfers. He sounded exactly like how I imagined California Surfers sounded. Very out of place for this part of the country. I shook the thought from my mind.
“I didn’t, I..”
He shushed me and pointed to the deer.
“Just…watch.”
I’d never seen deer stay still so long.
I strained my eyes to see. The shadows, tilled earth and wilted corn husks broke up the terrain making it hard to see what was hidden in plain sight. I’d see movement then have to dismiss it as wind kicking up gentle curtains of soil or the shifting of a shadow from the small movements in the night.
Slowly a thin sharp shadow moved, followed by another, then another. They moved in concert from that enormous void that had followed me.
The deer stood transfixed before it all happened at once.
A mixture of humanlike screams erupted as each of their bodies were slammed into the ground. Viscera painted the wind. In another moment the light went out and I heard Will sigh.
The wind whistled and died, but we could still hear it out there breathing heavily as it gorged itself. From where I stood I could only see a throbbing silhouette breaking the horizon as it went to work. A crisp snap rang out as it pulled limb by limb from the carcass. The throbbing of the shape slowed as a new sound arose. A contented hum made its presence felt through the rattling of the windows and doors and threatened to overwhelm my own beating heart.
The sound rose as the shape slowly moved closer.
“What do we..”
Will shushed me.
I jumped and stifled a scream as a wet, boneless appendage slammed against the window curiously. The doorknob rattled though this time not from the creatures’ purr but from it’s clumsy efforts to open the door and join us inside.
The ceiling creaked above us under a massive weight.
It groaned as if remembering something and suddenly began moving away back towards the trees. There were no footfalls, just the gently receding sound of a blissful purr.
When it finally entered the world beyond its movements melted into those of the swaying branches becoming indiscernible. The more I tried to focus on it the harder it was to recall its form or the impossibility I’d just witnessed.
Will smiled and patted me on the shoulder sadly, “Welcome to Murkintok.”

My grandma gave me the book last year and it is in one of my top fives. I was fully engrossed while reading but haven’t felt the same about the show so far. I was expecting great things due to Where The Crawdads Sing and stylistically it has lived up to my expectation but the storyline and the characters just has not pulled me in.
Both Hannah and Bailey in the book felt like real, relatable people with a complicated relationship being flung into a wild scenario where together they have figure out why things have happened this way despite their apprehension to work together. The show just does not offer the same feeling unfortunately.
The characters feel one dimensional, Bailey (Angourie Rice - who is a fantastic actress in everything I’ve seen before) feels like a stereotypical trope. She is portrayed in the show solely as an angst filled edgy teenager with multicolored highlights because she’s rebellious who also hates what everyone says and does due to the fact she’s an ‘ angst filled edgy teenager’. I feel in the book she is portrayed in a drastically more innocent light, a girl who has never really had a mother figure, who is scared of losing her only parental figure ( her dad ) and doesn’t want to get too close to her stepmom in case she loses her too. I could go on for days about Baileys character comparison but to put it short and quick - I root for her in the book, I pray for her downfall in the show.
Hannah also is drastically different. In the book she’s working on her relationship with Bailey. The moment when they’re in the car seems like a breakthrough in the book - it’s not shown as such in the show. I feel like Hannah in the book searched for Owen not for her own good a lot of the time but for Bailey and it doesn’t feel that way for the show.
I think the script lacks depth and doesn’t portray those same feelings that the book did. Compared to what the Crawdads did in order to bring a book to reality( not entirely but more so ) I feel as though this falls short and I am disappointed in the script and the depth. I find myself rolling my eyes sometimes at what the characters are saying lmfao. Picture wise though it is exactly how I had imagined it which is quite fun too see regardless.

About a year ago I finished a CrossFit workout and I happened to get “capped.” I.e. I did not finish the required reps in the allotted time. I collapsed to the ground and looked at my legs and said, “fuck you” as they writhed with pain. Immediately, I felt like an asshole. My brain blamed my domain for not being able to accomplish the task at hand. From that point on, I promised myself I would not speak curses unto my body. Rather, I’d train it to keep up with my mind. Now, I wake up every morning and mindfully thank my body for sustaining me through the night, helping me recover, and telling it that it’s time to get back to MF’ing work. As crazy as it sounds, this I’ve found to be a much more well rounded approach as opposed to “beating my body and making it my slave.” Now, my body is my companion..a teammate to help me through kick ass as I grind through life. And for it, I’m thankful.

 This entire experience has been so emotionally draining. It’s so frustrating to not have a clear answer and I feel as if I’m left with a decision to make that I’m uncertain on how to make it. This all started years ago. It began when I would sit for prolong periods of time, I would get a sharp pain inside my groin (Near adductors) as soon as I would go to stand up. My leg would get weak and I would walk with a limp for 5-10 minutes then I’d be okay. Then it eventually became an uncomfortable ache that would happen if I sat for anymore than an hour or two. At the time I had no insurance so I couldn’t really do anything about it, I just had to “Deal with it”. It never was disabling though. Once I got up and moving, the pain would subsided At the end of last year they pain became a lot more constant and painful. I decided I needed to get ahead of things so I went to physical therapy and paid for it out of pocket. Upon going my PT said he thought I had an FAI. He gave me a few workouts to do at home and after a few weeks my pain got much better. I continued to do these exercises until I finally got insurance at the beginning of the year. The pain never went away so I decided to go to a specialist and get some x rays. My specialist looked at my x rays and said he could see that I had an impingement. He then sent me to get an MRA. Once I did the MRA they got the results back and it mentioned no tear of the labrum. I went back to visit my specialist and he told me he wanted to do the steroid shots in my hip to see if it would help. I asked if I could try PT one last time before I did so, and we both agreed it was worth a shot. When I finally arrived to PT my symptoms were at an all time high. Pain was excruciating. My adductor and upper inner thigh were on fire and extremely tight. My PT evaluated me and she mentioned she believes that my pain could potentially be coming from my spine, because of the symptoms. So we began to do more exercises consisting of strengthening and stretching. It began to help and I asked her eventually if she though I could lightly jog on even ground. She said yes but to listen to my body. So that night I went out and lightly jogged for 10 minutes. I noticed I started to ache in my groin so I immediately stopped. The next morning my pain was back again. I did everything I could to get it to calm down. Ice, heat, rest, pain relievers. Nothing worked. Ever since then my pain hasn’t went away and it’s been almost 8 weeks. I can’t get it to go away. Sitting is extremely uncomfortable and if I stand to long in the same place it’ll start to hurt as well. I do notice that if I walk around for 30 minutes or so my muscles loosen up and begin to stop hurting but as soon as I sit back down for 10+ the stiffness and pain returns. This Tuesday I decided I’m going to get the steroid injection and see what it does. I got them for both hips. It felt like 30 minutes after my shots the pain got better but not substantially. I was able to sit in a car for an hour and not be miserable although it was still uncomfortable. The next couple of days things “seemed” to get better. The pain was better but the tightness in the surrounding muscles were still present. I went to PT yesterday and once I left I noticed I was aching again and when I got back in my car the pain came back. I’ve read that those shots are supposed to be diagnostic. I feel they relieved some of my pain but not all, not exactly enough to convince me my hips are 100% the issue. It’s also confusing reading about people saying the could hardly walk when walking doesn’t give me much issues but sitting and standing still does. If my arm were broken, doctors could clearly point out what’s wrong and attempt to fix it, but because nothing is technically broken or definitive, it just all feels like it’s a shot in the dark. I don’t want to go through surgery, pay all the money for it, go through the recovery, and still not have my issue fix. It’s making my anxiety crazy right now, but I feel like I’m in a corner. My quality of life is horrible, I can barley get around and I can’t do the things I want to do because both my hips are in pain. I just wish this was so much more simple. It’s hard and I feel like soon I’ll need to make a decision because I can’t keep going on like this. I just really hope what I decide is the correct decision. I want my life back. I’ve had two opinions from separate surgeons. Both agree I have hip impingement and the ROM on both legs internally is limited. My physical therapist is still convinced its a spine issue but I feel like the exercises they have had me doing is not helping. I just feel like stuck right now. Most of my pain is in my groin and not exactly at my hip so it’s confusing 

Part 1 here.
NSSF:

There is a consensus among scholars and forensic professionals that this technology of microstamping in its current form cannot be commercially deployed. This body of independent, peer-reviewed literature includes papers coauthored by the inventor and patent holder of the technology.

California is going to use this as support of SB 452. This is why they set the law to go into effect in 2027.

But there are several other reasons the technology does not work. The only part of the gun on which it can even be attempted is the firing pin, but those results are unreliable, as already noted. Even if that problem could be solved, firing pins can easily be replaced. And other surfaces inside a firearm do not contact other parts of a cartridge in such a way that microstamp information could be transferred. For these reasons, not a single firearm manufacturer in the world sells even a single handgun model with microstamp technology. And apparently also for these reasons, Congress has never mandated this technology, despite considering legislation more than once to do so.

Based.

The other features the UHA requires in order to list a new pistol model on California’s Roster are magazine disconnect mechanisms and loaded chamber indicators. While those features are technologically possible, they are not typically desired features by most gun purchasers due to their perceived lack of benefit to the user, and in the case of a magazine disconnect, the possible impediment to the utility of the firearm for self-defense.

Free market economy > command economy all day, every day. On another note, the biometric fingerprint technology is feasible as demonstrated on a Biofire gun, yet I don’t think it’s useful in self-defense. Personally speaking, I think it may be useful for hunting guns, but I may be wrong, as I never have owned or used a hunting gun.

This case involves a California statute, the Unsafe Handgun Act (UHA), Cal. Penal Code § 31900 et seq., which wanders into uncharted regulatory territory in terms of firearms technology, making counterfactual assumptions about the reliability and affordability of new technologies as a condition of exercising the Second Amendment right to purchase a handgun.

If we win the case — which is rather simple, conceptually speaking — that will set precedent that mandating features that would result in common arms ban is unconstitutional.
GOA

I’ve always struggled with confidence and self esteem, and I thought as I got older it would get better, but obviously if you don’t actively work on something it doesn’t change.
I feel stuck, and out of place all the time. My thoughts are full of negative self talk. I hate everything about myself and my body.
I have no idea what I’m doing and feel like I’ve wasted four years of my life on a degree I’ll never use.
I don’t know what to do. I’m riddled with self doubt in every possible way
How can I start to get better ?

Non native speaker, sorry for any mistakes My partner broke up with me in the beginning of January. I suffered a lot the first three months after the breakup, and although I admit I've been feeling much better now, there's something - some kind of blues, a little bit of sadness, missing them - still around. I worked on myself, have been hitting the gym, and honestly, I'm very happy about my body today. I even went out on fun dates and had a unexpected fling with a friend, which boosted my confidence. I sometimes wonder if I should be completely over them by now, but I'm just not. I still wonder if they think about me or about coming back.
So I wanted to ask, specially for you that broke up a few months ago, how has it been for you? Do you still think about coming back, do you think about the person, how are your emotions? (Comment on how many months you've been in this)

I'm crying as I'm writing this, but I feel like I've officially screwed my life up. Somehow, I've gone off the rails and ended up somewhere I absolutely never planned on being.
Somehow, I am engaged to someone I don't love, and who doesn't love me. I am living in a building I don't like, in a city that is turning me sour. Working a wretched hell job that is destroying my body and psyche. I am overweight and balding because of an incurable hormone issue, I've tried everything to lose weight and stop the balding, but it's not happening. I don't have family that I can trust (they are all thieves, drug dealers, allegedly steal identities). I lost about 90% of my friends when I was depressed that both my parents had cancer, but I do have a few friends who have stuck by me.
I just feel like nothing has gone my way in life. I know I made most of these decisions, but they were out of desperate necessity. (Work, home, etc).
I feel so utterly upset, defeated, hopeless. I don't know how I even got here. This is not what I wanted 😔

I have been demisexual my entire life, but I only learned of this term to identify myself a few years ago. About 10 years ago, I experienced sexualized violence. Since then, I have been to therapy, and it rarely affects my life anymore.
However, recently I received a career opportunity to manage an events space. It primarily hosts live music but also includes some other events, including burlesque. Everything about the job was perfect aside from this one aspect that made me uncomfortable, so I took it.
Initially, even the thought of burlesque triggered feelings of nausea and a sense of unsafety in my body.
During the first show I worked, I had to discreetly step away for several breaks due to feeling overwhelmed. Some of my anxiety has eased over the past year, but I don't personally work these events unless we are otherwise short-staffed.
I actually have a lot of admiration for how supportive the burlesque community is, and I have a strong rapport with many performers. I understand it's empowering for some, but it isn't for me! I am fortunate to be in a position of power to help cultivate a safer space, but I can't help but feel suspicious of the audience. Based on my own experiences and identity, I really struggle to relate to or understand the excitement of the audience.
I used to feel a lot of imposter syndrome, but I am a great support behind the scenes. I just can't be part of the audience. It's anxiety-inducing and exhausting to have to participate in the applause and makes me feel really vulnerable. I really don't want to offend anyone. As long as everything is consensual and safe, I am all for others partaking, but I really struggle to be present.
Not many people know about my identity, so I would love some validation or an opportunity to have a conversation about this.