I am a recent college graduate trying to maximize my gap year before applying to graduate programs. My career goal is to work with kids and families so I thought a summer camp job would be a great experience for me.
I applied back in January/February did not interview until March, and finally received an offer in April plus did onboarding that same month. During all this, they did not once update me on my site placement and when I would officially begin. I reached out multiple times via email and only just yesterday did they respond to me.
So far, I will be missing two required training dates since I have a post-graduation vacation planned which I wouldn’t have booked had they told me my start dates. I have an orientation coming up which I do intend to attend, but am confused since they initially told me I am not supposed to work until after the orientation.
To make matters worse, they gave me a faraway site placement which I am unable to commute to since it’s not accessible via public transportation. During the interview, they had told me they would place me somewhere near. I reached out to them about my missing training dates and potentially being reassigned to a different site, but still no response.
Everything about them screams unorganized, but maybe I am just overreacting and this is a given for temporary jobs especially for summer camps? If anyone could provide me with their honest thoughts and suggestions on this situation- it would be greatly appreciated.

Hello!
Does anyone know of any decent seasonal camping spots near Edmonton? I have a trailer and looking to park it somewhere. I am not picky, but also don't want to spend a fortune. Any help would be appreciated! 🥰

My feedback after ~500hrs, #71 on leaderboards atm. 5k hours in Tarkov if that matters to anyone. :')
1. Queue system changes:
After the queue system changes half of my games are empty, rest of them have 1 or 2 teams. Space combat is completely dead, I either spawn first and see no ships/one ship at the other end of the map or I spawn in late and everyone is in POIs already. I can bring biggest ships solo with no fear of being shot down before I make it into the raid. Having to wait 3-5 minutes to get into a PvE game really ruins it for me.
2. Ship guns opinions and suggestions:
Flak is above everything else after the buff, and the fact that it's on the smallest and cheapest available chassis makes other ships kind of useless (for space combat, disregarding ship stash size). All of the other ship guns are too weak, I'd rather have the default 100mm cannon instead of anything that's not flak, rocket artillery or torpedoes.
- Flak Cannon - Revert range buff, or halve the current range and lower the dmg by 20. With lowered damage (assuming you can hit every shot which is easy with Flak) it would still destroy Scouts and Interceptors with 1 reload, Heavies with 2 and Capitals with 3, but wouldn't kill people inside ships as fast as it does now.
- Dual 25mm - The gun is easy to use, has decent projectile speed, but the reload speed makes it way worse than the default 100m. Halving the reload speed would double the dps in longer fights making it have 15 more dps including reload than the rustbucket cannon which I feel would be fair. Buff the reload speed to 3s, or 4 if it turns out to be too strong.
- 75mm turret is the worst ship gun right now. Has 0 AoE even though visually the explosion is quite big, deals no damage, has very slow projectile. Buff it to 100 (or even 125), give it 3m AoE and make the projectile as fast as the 100mm one. It would still have lower overall dps than the 100m but would have decent consistent dps if you could hit the shots.
- Triple Turret has very good stats, but slow projectile makes it meh compared to other options. Buff the projectile speed so it's the same as 100mm projectile. Maybe reduce the dmg to 200 if it turns out to be too strong.
- Rocket Artillery - The only ship gun that's good without being OP. Leave as it is.
- Dual Rocket - Buff damage to 100, or even 125. Would have overall slightly less dps than 100mm turret, but stronger burst dps.
- Torpedo launcher - A very specific gun that's both OP and useless depending on the situation. It's the only ship gun that can consistently kill people before they get to the pods if they're not spamming large medkits. I'd say leave as it is for meme value, but could be buffed to dual rocket projectile speed with lowered damage. Dual Rockets would need a projectile speed buff though.
- Howitzer - Look how they massacred my boy. It was the most satisfying ship gun in game. Revert the nerf, buff damage back to 250.
- Nuclear Launcher - Good as it is.
3. Ship customization:
I really don't like that a feature got completely removed from the game. It was fun running/running into weird builds and trying stuff out.
Ship customization could also be the solution to the 'breaching problem' for people who complain about getting breached right at the start of the game - there could be a 'breaching armor' customization option that would reduce the speed of the ship by a decent margin while disallowing being breached before the ship is destroyed. You could be safe from instant breaching at the cost of being an easy target or being the last ship docking into POI.
Could also allow other options - buying lighter armor so your ship is faster with a downside of being destroyed easier, or armor that's weak to certain weapon types (normal projectiles, flak, rockets/torpedoes) and strong vs. others. Would have to be represented visually on the ships in some way.
Some customization could be also balanced by allowing different gun types with certain customizations, eg. light turret guns - 100mm, 75mm, dual 25mm, dual rockets, rocket artillery, maybe flak. Heavy turret guns - Triple turret, howitzer, torpedo launcher, nuclear launcher. If you want to bring a big stash and good armor - you can't use heavy turrets because there isn't enough poweroom in the ship to run it all. Bigger ships could have more room/power to use more customizations at the same time.
Current ship variants could be sold as chassis with the default 100mm cannon with option to upgrade them as before the UA patch.
Unlocking better ship chassis in shop could be an option, so when you start you can only buy scouts, then you pay to unlock interceptors and so on.
No level requirements, so if someone wants to focus strictly on space combat could just grind the money and buy whatever they want. All of it would also be a money sink to be able to do something with all the money which is very easy to get and would allow to change focus while prestiging - eg. on my first prestige I focus on in-raid stuff, then on the second one on space combat to switch things up a bit.
4. Gameplay issues:
- After recent hitreg changes the torso hurtbox while someone is ADSing is too big and covers the head. It requires me to aim at the top of the head to land a shot that's not tanked by arms, which results in the gun covering most of the model so if the opponent crouches or moves I can't see it.
- Breaching spawns, one of the biggest problems for me. I hate dying right after breaching Merchant just because someone spawned right behind me and it feels equally shitty when I get a free kill because I spawned right behind someone. Add a simple check if a player is near a breaching spawn and spawn the next player somewhere else. I understand that sometimes there may be too many players but if that happens less often it wouldn't be as annoying.
- Being able to operate airlock doors manually. It's irritating that I have to go through the locking/unlocking animation just to access the ship stash. Let me leave the door open, use the ship stash then close it. Same goes for airlock camping, I don't really have a problem with that in general, I understand that it might be a 'balance' decision but just sitting there without being able to close the door feels... Illogical? Maybe add a 30s cooldown for the outside door, the current one is way too punishing especially when people camping the airlock still have huge advantage.
- Change the handling of mouse input. No idea why it isn't just raw input, mouse smoothing/acceleration is a bad thing in any FPS game period.
- Make the UI sound slider lower the sounds of picking up stuff/crafting in the inventory, no idea why it's tied to effects volume. Scrapping machetes hurts with high volume on headphones.
- Equipping and throwing grenades could be a bit faster and automatically switching to the last used weapon after throwing one would be a nice QoL feature.
- Fall damage, one of the weirdest things in the game - jumping over the railing on the rustbucket stairs takes 3% of the hp while dropping all the way down from high command on Navy deals maybe 15%. Make the players not take damage when jumping from low height but increase the damage while jumping from bigger heights.
- Crafting time should be reduced to 0 or increased so you have to wait and plan ahead for crafting bigger items. Right now it's just a minor annoyance where I have to alt-tab for 2 minutes while waiting for a ship to craft. If crafting times would be increased allow us to get more crafting slots in some way. I'd rather have instant crafting though because the fact that preparing for a game is super fast compared to other games in the genre is a definite plus.
- Add situational spawn triggers? I know AI isn't much of a problem in this game and is probably worked on, but having AI spawn while doing certain things on map like opening a Vault/Depot, accesing some areas (High Command) would be a cool thing. But maybe I'm biased because my games are very empty lately.
- Stash management - It would be nice to be able to CTRL click items both ways, but I guess it's going to be polished out later after adding content and more core stuff into the game.

1. Guns balance suggestions/opinions:

- Bring back the AP mine oneshot and disable the red light. They're hard to get and there's not many situations where it's guaranteed someone will walk into one. Make them deal decent damage to the ship if detonated onboard or make the breaching destroy them before the player spawns.
- Buff Viper. It's a rare weapon that's really cool, but the only way to kill someone with a Sten is to land headshots and Viper doesn't allow you to do it easily. Allow us to put Sten attachments on them at least.
- Buff shotgun spread, the recent change ruined them completely. Revert the change, I know adsing to reduce spread isn't realistic but is a decent solution for them to not suck and be usable at the same time without people running and gunning with the all the time.
- Make the body of the M16 scope smaller, it covers too much of the screen to be usable. The reticle could also be smaller. SVT scope sensitivity issue is probably known to the devs already so I'm hoping it will be fixed too.
6. ZTH:
Unpopular opinion, but ZTH is ok as it is. I was also pissed off at the POIs not appearing, SAS Captains/Commando Majors not spawning and other RNG things, but it's the only long-term goal along trader levels in the game right now so not being able to rush through it is fine by me. I switched to just playing the game regardless of having ZTH targets on the map and doing them if I get blessed by the RNG gods.
7. POIs and suggestion about getting the POI that you want:
Terraformer and Prison are both great maps that are mostly ignored by the players. I'm afraid that after adding soloqueue they will be even emptier because the playerbase will be divided into 2 parts.
What if players were able to unlock and craft coordinates that allow to get into a specific POI - You could find disk drives/CDs/floppy discs/whatever in the computers, then pay a large amount of money to allow one time entry to a specific POI. I know that Asteroid Mine would probably be full every raid, but if some people would want to have a calm raid they would select Prison or Terra, and if enough people decide to do that sudeenly you got a raid with some people and action in it. Also less players would leave just because they didn't get the POI they want. Would work even better if all raids would be a single POI raid. The idea obviously requires more refinement. There could also be a bonus for going into a raid without coordinates like +10% exp for going random.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk, sorry for any errors, English isn't my primary language.
The game is great, I love how SIG managed to get what's fun about extraction shooters and create a fun and unique experience that's also approachable for a casual player. I hope it'll get as much traction as it deserves and become a success after release.
Also devs hit me up if you need QA help - I got 10 years of QA experience and have some free time right now.

Christopher Smith, the Peacemaker

"This is my job and I'm damned good at it. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be here risking my life and the lives of all the innocent prey! I'm Peacemaker... And I'll kill to keep the peace!"

The son of Austrian industrialist Wolfgang Schmidy and American author Elizabeth Lewis, Christopher watched his father commit suicide when he was five years old after his father's secret past was revealed: he had commanded a Nazi concentration camp in Poland during World War II. Witnessing his father's suicide left Christopher traumatized, rebellious, and aggressive. He began to see visions of his father in an SS uniform, urging him to hone his mind and body to be worthy of his legacy. When he turned 18, Smith enlisted in the army and fought in the Vietnam War. After massacring a village of innocent people, Smith was court-martialed and sentenced to 20 years to life in prison. He was granted parole by the government on the condition that he joined a secret, elite counterterrorism unit called Project: Peacemaker. And so Smith became the Peacemaker, a government agent who loves peace so much that he's willing to kill for it, just as often operating outside of government oversight as within it. Though he apparently died at the hands of Eclipso, Peacemaker reemerged years later, seemingly having overcome his mental issues, and began mentoring young superhero Jaime Reyes, the Blue Beetle.
Source Key:
Vigilante (1983) Issue # = VG#
Peacemaker (1988) Issue # = PM#
Checkmate (1988) Issue # = CM#
Suicide Squad (1987) Issue # = SS#
Showcase '93 (1993) Issue # = SC#
Eclipso (1992) Issue # = EP#
Blue Beetle (2006) Issue # = BB#
Booster Gold (2007) Issue # = BG#
Handbook Entry: Who's Who: Update '87

Physicals

Strength

Striking

• Punches Micah through a stone wall^PM3
• Cracks the helmet of a reptile man's power armor with a punch^SC9
• Punches out a Reach soldier^BB25
• Beats down Vigilante^VG36
• Breaks down a door^PM2
• Punches out some terrorists^VG38
• Staggers a reptile man with a kick that no sells Peacemaker unloading a pistol into his chest^SC7

Lifting/Throwing

• Picks up a crate and smashes it on Vigilante^VG38
• Tosses aside two men with one arm apiece^CM25
• Lifts a man above his head with one arm^CM17
• Throws men through windows^CM23

Other

• Breaks Deadshot's chains^SC10
• Pulls the max on a lat pulldown machine with one arm^CM21

Durability

Blunt

• Takes a hit from mind-controlled Blue Beetle^BG29
• Takes a hit from Shade the Changing Man^SS28
• Takes a punch from a supervillain^PM4
• Takes a punch from Vigilante^VG36
• Takes another punch from Vigilante that sends him crashing back into crates^VG38
• Takes hits from Valentina Vostok^VG42
• Jumps off of a building and lands unharmed^VG42
• Flies straight through a metal wall of a dirigible^PM4
• A man breaks a stick hitting him with it^CM19

Other

• His armor is bulletproof^VG38
• Zapped with an electric attack that disables his cybernetic systems and lands in what appears to be toxic waste^SC6
• Caught in some kind of electric trap^SC9
• Went 72 hours with no sleep while performing several missions^PM3
• Overcomes Dr. Tzin-Tzin's attempt to hypnotically control him^PM4
  • Tzin-Tzin hypnotically compelled a man to tell him information about who hired him to spy^PM1

Speed/Agility

Reaction/Dodging

• Dodges machine gun fire^VG38
  • Again^PM1
• Turns to see an RPG headed for him and activates his helmet's defense before it can hit him^PM3
• Dodges an RPG^PM3
• Dodges a missile^CM25
• Dodges a blast from mind-controlled Blue Beetle^BG29
• Dodges a blast from Major Force^SS28
• Dodges a blast from a super-powered man^BB29
• Dodges Vigilante leaping at him^VG38
• Bats aside Valentina Vostok leaping at him^VG42

Movement/Agility

• Draws his gun and kills Dave Winston before he can react^VG36
• Grabs a robber's gun before he can shoot and slaps him silly with it^BB3
• Jumps between rooftops^VG37
• Practices his gymnastics^VG41

Skill/Misc

Marksmanship/Gunfighting

• Shoots the gun out of a man's hand^VG43
  • Again^PM3
• Guns down two soldiers flying back in power armor^SC6
• Shoots a Reach soldier off of its hoverboard^BB24
• Guns down a large group of terrorists^PM3
• Turns and quickly guns down a group of soldiers who ambush him^PM2
• Guns down two terrorists^VG36

Hand-to-Hand Combat

• Beats down Blue Beetle after turning off the Scarab's weapons^BG29
• Kills Micah, a highly skilled martial artist, in a fistfight^PM3
• Fights Vigilante fairly evenly before the cops interrupt them^VG38
• Defeats some reptile men in power armor^SC9
  • Again with a sword^SC11
• Defeats a plane full of terrorists^PM2
• Easily takes down some terrorists^PM1
• Manhandles some gunrunners^CM20
• Takes down Deadshot^SC8
• Uses a pressure point on Blue Beetle that makes him vomit^BB19
  • Points out pressure points on Giganta so Blue Beetle can hit them^BB19

Stealth

• Sneaks up on a terrorist while she's holding some pilots at gunpoint^VG36
• Snuck into a secret agency's headquarters disguised as a janitor^VG42
• Sneaks up on Blue Beetle on a motorcycle^BB7

Linguistics

• Speaks Romanian^CM19
• Speaks Italian^CM23
• Speaks French^CM24

General

• Selected to wield a Yellow Lantern ring^BB20
• Made anesthetic nerve gas from supplies he found in a convenience store^BB8
• Puts his guns on cave walls to detect where a monster is coming from via vibrations^BB12
• With help from Blue Beetle, overcomes the control of the Reach's Scarab amplified by a Sinestro Corps. ring^BB20

Gear

Helmet

Ultrasonic Waves

• Knocks out several terrorists, with Vigilante saying that he nearly passed out despite not being in its direct path^VG38
• Discombobulates agents after they dogpile him^VG42
• Takes down more terrorists^PM1
• Uses it to torture a man^CM24

Electronic Interfacing

• Interferes with the electronic guidance system steering some missiles, causing them to miss him^PM2
  • Makes the missiles explode before reaching their mark^PM2
• The surveillance equipment in the helmet gets through a secret agency's headquarters security so he can listen in on a conversation inside^VG43
• Taps into a phone line^CM23
  • Again^CM32
• Can remotely control his vehicles with his helmet^PM2
  • Activates a chair's self-destruct feature^CM25
• Begins to remove Bishop's power armor^CM25

Misc

• Creates a white sound field to prevent any sound from escaping the office he's in^VG43
• Creates a super-sonic defense screen to block an RPG^PM3
• Tests for radiation^SC6
• Infrared vision^CM17
• Audio sensors pick up people screaming in a different house^CM25

Firearms

• Mini nuke launcher he uses to blow up a pyramid^BG29
• Rifle that blasts back Major Force^SS28
  • In the previous issue of the crossover, Major Force no sold a point blank bazooka^CM16 and in the same issue, no sold Duchess' gun^SS28
• Submachine gun with teflon-coated bullets that shoots through power armor^SC6
• Shotgun that knocks back Blue Beetle^BG29
• Scoped pistol^VG42
  • Destroys a helicopter with one shot^VG37
  • Shoots through a man^VG38
  • Damages some concrete stairs^VG42
• Submachine gun that blasts through a woman^VG36
• Assault rifle with a grenade launcher that blows a hole in a wall^PM2
  • Blows up windows on a skyscraper^CM24
• Mows down terrorists with dual submachine guns^PM4

Vehicles

Helicopter

• Has heat seeking missiles^EP12
• Blows up boats with missiles^PM1
• Blows up a warehouse with missiles^CM17
• Blows up fighter jets with missiles^EP13
• Blows open Belle Reve's gates with missiles^SS29
• Blows up a truck with missiles^CM32
• Kills some terrorists with machine guns and missiles^PM1
• Kills soldiers in power armor with machine guns^CM32
• Shreds a supervillain with machine guns^PM4
• Mows down swaths of terrorists^PM4
• Tears up a house with machine guns^SS27
• Has radar^PM4
• Performs an infrared recon scan^CM33

Other

• Has a fighter jet called the Blackbird^PM1
  • Blasts a supervillain far away^PM2
  • Blows up a plane with machine guns^PM2
• Owns a hypersonic personal plane^CM25

Misc

• Wears a jetpack^PM4
  • Tackles a supervillain through a wall^PM4
  • Smashes through the front window of a helicopter^SS29
• Has a computer system in his secret lair^VG41
  • Automatically scans news reports^PM1
• Has a secret armory in his office^CM22
• Places a bug on a man^CM24

Respect Threads for scaling:

• Blue Beetle (Jaime Reyes)
• Deadshot

Main hub thread with the full 131 rankings
For all the Cyclone fanatics out there, I see you guys. For the 6th worst Power 5 team on this list, Iowa State has had incredible support, averaging 50,000+ fans a year even during their lows. Finally, after years of struggling minus a few nice Dan McCarney years, Iowa State’s found a coach that’s brought them consistent success in Matt Campbell. Outside of Campbell’s first year in which he went 3-9 and the latest 4-8 season in 2022, the 5 years in between (2017-21) all place in my top 7 ISU seasons over the last 40 years. Whether last year was an outlier or if Iowa State will regress to their historical mean remains to be seen, but the last 6 years have been great compared to what fans have been accustomed to.

Best Seasons and Highlights

1. 2020: 7. Iowa State: 9-3 (30.160) 2. 2000: 27. Iowa State: 9-3 (13.294) 3. 2017: 32. Iowa State: 8-5 (12.780) 4. 2018: 37. Iowa State: 8-5 (8.477) 5. 2021: 40. Iowa State: 7-6 (5.442) 6. 2005: 37. Iowa State: 7-5 (3.574) 7. 2019: 43. Iowa State: 7-6 (1.761) 8. 2004: 42. Iowa State: 7-5 (-2.644) 9. 2001: 51. Iowa State: 7-5 (-3.334) 10. 2002: 57. Iowa State: 7-7 (-4.723) 11. 2012: 65. Iowa State: 6-7 (-7.162) 12. 2009: 63. Iowa State: 7-6 (-7.233) 13. 2011: 62. Iowa State: 6-7 (-8.169) 14. 1989: 56. Iowa State: 6-5 (-10.057) 15. 1986: 56. Iowa State: 6-5 (-10.436) 16. 1990: 58. Iowa State: 4-6-1 (-11.929) 17. 2010: 69. Iowa State: 5-7 (-13.761) 18. 1985: 60. Iowa State: 5-6 (-17.317) 19. 2022: 84. Iowa State: 4-8 (-18.173) 20. 1988: 66. Iowa State: 5-6 (-18.197) 21. 1992: 79. Iowa State: 4-7 (-21.249) 22. 1999: 79. Iowa State: 4-7 (-23.653) 23. 1993: 75. Iowa State: 3-8 (-23.926) 24. 1983: 79. Iowa State: 4-7 (-25.659) 25. 1991: 75. Iowa State: 3-7-1 (-26.248) 26. 2006: 92. Iowa State: 4-8 (-30.444) 27. 2007: 93. Iowa State: 3-9 (-31.101) 28. 2015: 97. Iowa State: 3-9 (-31.892) 29. 1998: 84. Iowa State: 3-8 (-31.989) 30. 1984: 85. Iowa State: 2-7-2 (-32.012) 31. 2016: 97. Iowa State: 3-9 (-32.276) 32. 1995: 84. Iowa State: 3-8 (-32.441) 33. 2013: 98. Iowa State: 3-9 (-34.411) 34. 1996: 94. Iowa State: 2-9 (-37.584) 35. 1987: 91. Iowa State: 3-8 (-37.886) 36. 2014: 115. Iowa State: 2-10 (-42.981) 37. 2008: 111. Iowa State: 2-10 (-48.885) 38. 2003: 107. Iowa State: 2-10 (-50.450) 39. 1994: 101. Iowa State: 0-10-1 (-53.566) 40. 1997: 105. Iowa State: 1-10 (-56.575) Overall Score: 9649 (84th) 

• 184-283-5 record
• 0 conference titles
• 5-8 bowl record
• 5 consensus All-Americans
• 42 NFL players drafted

Iowa State certainly has a knack for producing really good RBs. 4 of their 5 All-Americans come from 2 RBs in Troy Davis (1995, ‘96) and Breece Hall (2020, ‘21). At just 5’8 183 lbs, Davis became the first player in NCAA history to rush for 2000 yards in back-to-back seasons, and remains one of only 2 players to ever do so. In 1995 he ran for 2010 yards and 15 TD, placing 5th in Heisman voting. He outdid himself a year later, rushing for 2185 yards and 21 TD, narrowly missing out on the Heisman, finishing to 2nd Florida QB Danny Wuerfel, who got 49% of the votes compared to Davis’ 43%. Davis won 3 of 4 regions, but lost badly in the South. Still, the tradition of producing strong RBs rings true, as Iowa State’s produced 8 RBs during the last 40 years with 2500+ career rushing yards. Notable NFL players include David Montgomery, Breece Hall, Allen Lazard, Pro Bowler Kelechi Osemele, and as a 49er fan, future Hall of Famer Brock Purdy.

Top 5 Seasons

Worst Season: 1997 (1-10 overall, 1-7 Big 12)
Remember how good Troy Davis was, especially after I described him above? Well, his teams weren’t very good, going 3-8 in 1995 and 2-9 in 1996. So you can imagine how 1997 went after he had left for the NFL. Iowa State didn’t stand a chance in Dan McCarney’s 3rd year as head coach, and it’s honestly a miracle the Cyclones let him stay for so long, as it took 6 years for him to get his first winning season. The gamble paid off though, as he was eventually inducted into the Iowa State Hall of Fame. Still, 1997 was his worst year. They had a talented freshman QB by the name of Sage “Helicopter” Rosenfels on the roster, but he wouldn’t start for another 2 years. QB was not a big issue though, as Todd Bandhauer had a respectable year, completing 48% of passes for 2514 yards 20 TD 9 INT, leading the Big 12 in passing yards and TDs. Bandhauer was a 2-time All-Academic Big 12 selection, and is currently an Associate Professor of Mechanical Engineering at Colorado State. WR Tyrone Watley led the Big 12 in receiving yards with 827, and RB Darren Davis had 1000+ yards in just 9 games. Offense wasn’t a huge issue, but the defense gave up 44.8 PPG. The lone win on the year was 24-17 over 2-9 Baylor, and losses included 14-77 to #3 Nebraska and 20-63 to #13 Iowa, losing their 15th straight against the Hawkeyes.
5. 2021 (7-6 overall, 5-4 Big 12)
For this season to be a disappointment but also top 5 on this list tells you how far Iowa State’s come under Matt Campbell. Make no mistake, it was a disappointment, finishing 7-6 after a preseason #7 ranking, but they were still the best 7-6 team in 2021 (out of 17 teams) by my metric. Iowa State returned 4th year starting QB Brock Purdy, consensus All-American Breece Hall, 2x 1st Team All-Big 12 TE Charlie Kolar, and Big 12 Defensive POTY LB Mike Rose, so the preseason expectations weren’t unfounded. A typical ISU slow start saw them barely beat Northern Iowa, and a classic Brian Ferentz Iowa performance had the Hawkeyes take a 27-10 lead (27-17 final) despite getting outgained 173-339 in yardage. 2 weeks later, a trap game 31-29 loss in Waco all but ended the Cyclones’ playoff hopes, despite outgaining Baylor by nearly 200 yards. However, in true Iowa State fashion, they rebounded to mess up Oklahoma State’s season a few weeks later, beating the #8 Cowboys 24-21 to improve to 5-2. A 2-4 finish was mostly because of location, going 2-0 at home and 0-4 in road/neutral sites. It was a squandered year for Iowa State, outscoring Big 12 opponents by an average of 12 PPG but going just 5-4. 8 starters on offense made 1st/2nd Team All-Big 12, by far the most in the conference. Breece repeated as consensus AA/Big 12 OPOTY with 1774 yards and 23 TD from scrimmage, while Rose earned 1st Team all-conference again.
4. 2018 (8-5 overall, 6-3 Big 12)
For the first time since the Big 12 moved from divisions to a round robin format in 2013, Iowa State wasn’t picked in the bottom 2 with Kansas. Big 12 media picked them 7th, this time coming above Texas Tech, Baylor, and of course Kansas. But after starting QB Kyle Kempt went down in the season opener, and backup Zeb Noland went just 1-3, Matt Campbell gave a shot to a freshman by the name of Brock Purdy. In a sort of foreshadowing for names in the NFL, Kyle became a mentor to Brock, and Purdy exploded onto the scene, throwing for 4 TD and rushing for another in a 48-42 win at #25 Oklahoma State. He’d top that a week later, beating #6 West Virginia and Will Grier 30-14, this time the defense stepping up big to hold Grier to just 67 total yards. ISU never looked back with Purdy, and nearly made the Big 12 title game if they had beaten Texas. They finished the regular season 8-4, 3rd in the Big 12, and nearly beat 11-2 Washington State in the bowl. Campbell won Big 12 Coach of the Year for the 2nd straight season. Purdy was 6th in the nation in passing efficiency, completing 66% of passes for 2250 yards 16 TD 7 INT, on 10.2 YPA. RB David Montgomery had another 1000+ yard rushing season and has gone on to have a productive NFL career. WR Hakeem Butler was 3rd in the nation in yards per catch (22.0), getting 60 passes for 1318 yards and 9 TD.
3. 2017 (8-5 overall, 5-4 Big 12)
Before Brock Purdy and Iowa State could run, the 2017 team had to walk. Years of effort from give-it-their-all players like Allen Lazard and Joel Lanning culminated in a magical 2018 season that might just be the fondest on this list. ISU had gone just 11-37 over the previous 4 seasons, so a 2nd to last place Big 12 finish was expected. After a 2-2 start, ISU pulled off maybe the biggest win in school history, beating #3 Oklahoma 38-31, who’d go on to make the playoff with Baker Mayfield winning the Heisman. LB Joel Lanning, who was the team’s starting QB the previous 2 seasons, was the Walter Camp Defensive Player of the Week, logging 8 tackles, 1 sack, 1 fumble recovery, as well as 9 rushes for 35 yards and 2 completions for 25 yards on offense. A few weeks later against Oklahoma State he’d become the 1st player in the last 10 years to record a pass TD, rush TD, and half sack in the same game. After the win over OU though, just a few weeks later Iowa State would ALSO beat #4 TCU 14-7!!! A few one possession losses later and ISU finished 7-5, but would beat yet another top 25 team in the bowl in #20 Memphis.
Lanning was named a 1st Team All-American by FWAA, racking up 114 tackles, 6 sacks, 5 TFL, 1 INT, 135 rushing yards, 47 passing yards, and 3 TD. Not bad for a former QB. QB Kyle Kempt was one of the most underrated stories of the season, emerging as the starter in the 5th game and going on to throw 15 TD to just 3 INT. Kempt was a 5th year walk-on who had only thrown 2 passes in his career prior to the Oklahoma game. By the time the season was over, he had 2 wins over top 5 teams, and today is still on the team as a coach.
2. 2000 (9-3 overall, 5-3 Big 12)
Like the 2017 team, the 2000 Cyclones came out of nowhere, a dormant program that had gone just 27-80-3 the previous decade. ISU players knew the talent they had though, led by future NFL QB Sage Rosenfels, one of 9 players that would go on to make NFL rosters. Another would go on to join the Iowa Senate, and the late LB Justin Eilers would fight in the UFC. They played a very favorable schedule, going 8-3 in the regular season with 0 wins over Power 6 teams with a winning record, but did beat 7-4 Ohio, 8-5 UNLV, and rival Iowa for the Cy-Hawk. ISU put any “soft schedule” talk to rest when they beat the Big East’s 3rd placed team, Pitt, in the bowl 37-29. Rosenfels had a nice curtain call, winning offensive POTG with 23/34 passing for 308 yards and 2 TD. Rosenfels did what he had to during the year, with deceiving stats of 2298 passing yards 8 TD 12 INT. He was a solid runner though, and would become known for his patented “helicopter” move in the NFL, rushing for 381 yards and 10 TD. RB Ennis Haywood and C Ben Bruns were ISU’s two 1st Team All-Big 12 selections, as Haywood ran for 1237 yards and Bruns led the way. The 5’6(!) JJ Moses led the team in receiving with 775 yards, and was named team MVP.
1. 2020 (9-3 overall, 8-1 Big 12)
Ahh, but it had to be the 2020 team at #1. Even my algorithm places this team way above 2000 even though they had the same record, with the 2000 team finishing ranked 27th and 2020 finishing ranked 7th. After a typical ISU slow start, losing 13-30 to UL Lafayette, the rest of the year couldn’t have gone much better. In the 3rd game they beat eventual B12 champion Oklahoma 37-30. Later on they beat #17 Texas in Darrel K Royal 23-20, essentially ensuring Tom Herman would be fired after the season, and stomped 6-4 West Virginia 42-6. ISU entered the Big 12 championship game against Oklahoma as the 1 seed, and had an opportunity at the end to win, but came up short 21-27. A 34-17 Fiesta Bowl win over Pac-12 champion Oregon was pretty satisfying though, and Iowa State finished with their highest ever postseason ranking at #9. They cleaned up in the Big 12 accolades, taking up 9 of the 22 1st Team all-conference slots. Breece Hall was Big 12 Offensive POTY and a consensus All-American, with 1752 yards and 23 TD from scrimmage. LB Mike Rose won Big 12 Defensive POTY with 99 tackles, 10.5 total TFL, and 5 INT. Campbell won Coach of the Year, and WR Xavier Hutchinson and DB Isheem Young won Big 12 Offensive Newcomer of the Year and Defensive Freshman of the Year, respectively. Shoutout to 1st Team All-Big 12 TE Charlie Kolar as well, who was a consistent force making 1st/2nd Team all-conference in each of his 4 seasons.

5th Quarter

Iowa State fans, what do you look back more fondly on, the Matt Campbell years with expectations of competing for a Big 12 title, or the Paul Rhoads years with a win over #2 Oklahoma State and some other fun upsets? Do you think Brock Purdy was always as good as he played for the 49ers in 2022, or is he mostly propped up by a stacked San Francisco offense? Who was better, Troy Davis or Breece Hall? Does David Montgomery take the 3rd spot or does that go to someone like Darren Davis/Alexander Robinson? Aside from going there, what makes someone choose to follow Iowa State? And how’d I do on your guys’ history?
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Hello!
I know I made a similar post BUT...I need to know!
My friends and I are looking for camping festivals. We're willing to drive, probably up to about 6-8 hours. 9 if the fest is saucy and fresh.
We love bass music and techno/house. But really, we're looking for dirty/heavy bass and want to get our faces blown off.
We desperately wanted to go to Lost Lands but we have something else that weekend.
Then, we wanted to go to Electric Forest, but 1) sold out 2) too soon for us to plan.
Any other recommendations??? Again, really down for anything. As long as it's not a mismanaged mess with terrible sound and no water, we're pretty much down to shimmy.
Really appreciate everyone's help, we're just dipping our toes into the scene and are so giddy lol.

New stream of Eversax talking about KC after the Spring Cup. I don’t know how many interviews we will have so I wanted, at least, to translate the recap of Eversax as usual.
This translation will be long and separated into 3 parts:
- Part 1: Spring Cup (Preparation, Vitality, BDS, Grand Final, ExoTiiK, Itachi, Playing many BO7s, fatigue, bracket reset)
- Part 2: Negative side of social media for “unpopular opinions” from “fans” and Pros/Coaches/Casters (Toxicity, pressure to perform, Negative comments, people farming impressions, mean people on the internet)
- Part 3: Other information (EU/NA level, player’s performance, Vitality's winning streak, best coach)
Link to the replay: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1831882651 (starts near: 8.23)
I would advise you to read the parts talking about Vitality + Part 2.
→ Part 1: Spring Cup
● Spring Cup
- Preparation (12.58): He was happy since they improved compared to the Spring Open. A top 4 is a great result, but they were not good. They worked a lot between the two regionals since they had to improve after the long post-Major break [In the last translation Eversax explained that they didn’t prepare correctly before the first regional due to schedule conflicts]. His players wanted to come back so bad but it was more negative than positive. Indeed, they started to play too much and It’s not the best thing on RL. You don’t use your time efficiently and you often finish by playing without thinking so you don’t improve. That’s why he told his players to take a break of 3-4 days between the two regionals. It was risky, but It worked because they played much better during the Spring Cup. It was the first time that KC started to play well throughout the whole minor.
- Devil Fruit and PSG Tundra(14.45): On Friday it was quite easy because they were stronger than Devil Fruit and PSG Tundra.
- Guild (15.03): To reach the top 3 they had to beat Guild, a team that won against Oxygen. He thinks that KC played really well leading to this no-match (4-0). Everything was controlled but he can’t say if KC was too strong or if Guild was too scared. He said that because Guild was totally different when they had to play against BDS. But in any case, they reached the semi-final winner bracket by beating Oxygen so Guild deserved to be there since their bracket was not free.
- Winner bracket final against Vitality: Vitality played well as usual while KC was just bad. It was a no-match and they were better so they deserved to win (11:20). Their weakness was more about mentality and maybe the last regional impacted their series. KC had difficulties playing well while Vitality took advantage of this weakness from the beginning. But as usual, there was no problem with the team and they used their break after to speak together (15.45). This sweep allowed them to realize that, in their head, Vitality was different from other teams and it was one of the reasons for their bad performance. Fortunately, they solved that for the next matches and it should not be a problem anymore. That’s not something new because they had the same apprehension with BDS and rival French teams last year. They took these matches too seriously even though they should not make any difference between opponents (1.00.40).
- BDS (16.12): When they came back after their loss against Vitality, KC was not the same team. Fortunately, this defeat didn’t negatively impact his players and they won 4-0. Even though it was closer than the result, they played well and you could see that KC was the better team on the field.
- Grand Final against Vitality: As a bracket reset is difficult he wanted his players to try their best. And he thinks that’s what they did (16.57). During the first series, they took advantage from the beginning and the games were great. In fact, he said that it was the most beautiful match he had ever seen as a coach because everyone was playing so well. It’s difficult to explain it but he had this special feeling where you had only 3-4 opportunities to score in each game because players were making few mistakes. The winner was only decided on who would have taken advantage of more opportunities. However, after the bracket reset, they had to play an OT of 5 minutes in game 1. For Eversax, It was not difficult mentally but It added one more game and players started to accumulate fatigue. It’s short but also exhausting since you don’t have any breaks + every game is intense. He still thinks that KC was able to fight until the end but Vitality deserved their win because they bounced back after the bracket reset. Indeed, they still had energy after the 2-2 to punish small details while KC was making mistakes that they were not used to doing (19.40).
- Preparation for the next regional (20.03): You could see that fatigue affected all players and the last 2-3 games were difficult with all these mistakes. Now he knows how to prepare his players better. Usually, they prefer to eat less before matches. But when you have to play 4 BO7s from 5 pm to 10 pm without anything in the stomach, it’s not the best thing. So they’ll try to adjust that for the next minor.
- Importance of each regional (21.25): Each minor is important to prepare the MajoWorlds. That’s why KC cares so much about minors and they’ll work even harder to win these tournaments even if Majors and Worlds are more prestigious. Why? Because all their efforts will allow them to prepare for the last step: Worlds.
- ExoTiiK: ExoTiiK was particularly good against BDS because he led coms. Eversax didn’t understand why some people thought that he was the weak link of the team because performances depend on the three players and not only one of them. They win and lose together (51.18). People continue to underestimate him but Eversax understood what ExoTiiK can do when he’s peaking. In general, he goes on every ball and he controls his moves so well despite his 0.30 dead zone (1.02.15).
- Itachi (1.05.14): Eversax was so proud of Itachi because he started the Winter Split thinking that he was the best player in the World, but after the 3rd regional + Major, he was a little bit disappointed. Eversax felt like Itachi was missing a small thing, but during this minor, he saw this small thing again. And overall he’s so proud of his 3 players.
- Conclusion of the Spring Cup (44.35): He’s proud of their run. Indeed, his players were individually strong in the first series of the grand final and they improved since the last regional. Yes, a top 2 is not enough, but that’s also good to have some competition within a region for motivation and improvement. This rivalry between KC and Vitality will push each team further and they are creating hype for the next minor.
● Double-bracket elimination format
- Playing many BO7s (08.38): Eversax thinks that players can play 4 BO7s in a row but it’s difficult to prepare these runs. It's the particularity of this format and different from the two other splits where you normally play 3 BO7s on Sunday with breaks. He thinks that BDS would have struggled much more since they started their loser bracket way before KC. A longer break could have helped, but he can’t blame the format because you can rest if you stay in the winner bracket. That’s why the only solution as usual is to win.
- Fatigue during the bracket reset (11.50): We saw that It was difficult to stay at a high level between games. They made so many mistakes due to fatigue and it didn’t affect only KC. For example, Radosin’s own goal was unlucky and he saw that he was tired too.
- Mentality throughout the bracket (12.25): It’s difficult to not mentally drop after a 4-0 but KC bounced back and swept BDS too. They even won against Vitality once to reset the bracket. Maybe playing in boot camp would have helped to deal with fatigue but it's difficult to play at that level for so many games with so much coms.
- Is resetting the bracket too difficult?: He knew that this format gives a huge advantage to the winner bracket so it’s almost “impossible”/too difficult to reset the bracket and win the final. He just wanted the team to play well from the beginning and try their best (16.45). Still, for Eversax, this format is not the best. Indeed, it’s rare to have a bracket reset and you can see it because, for this season, KC was the first team to reset the bracket. It’s so rare to reset the bracket, but even more to win the second series. And he would say the same thing if KC was still in the upper bracket. You should have a clear advantage for the winners, but not a 80% chance of winning. Still, Vitality played well and they needed an advantage. The format is the same for everyone and if they want to rest more, KC has to win, so there’s no excuse for their loss in the Grand Final (19.05).
- BO9 with 1 game in advance (11:40): For him a grand final in BO9 with one game in advance for the winner bracket could be interesting. However, he thinks that Psyonix will never accept BO9s so It’s complicated.

///11th of June, 2006
“Dad, the moon!” I shouted as I entered the garage. My father was on the floor, under his Bugatti 57SC Atlantic, obsessively removing and re-installing pieces of the car like he always did. He quickly got up, a smile on his grease-stained face.
“Finally!” He said with his beer-breath, grabbing a towel and cleaning most of his face, before running outside as fast as he could. I followed him. I don’t know why I always liked these moments. Any child would find them terribly boring. But I always reveled on them. Maybe it’s because they were the only moments he smiled. He positioned his telescope on our front yard, adjusted the lens, drank a beer can and started looking at the full moon above us.
“Do you see it?” I asked, sitting on the grass next to him.
“Shut up.” He said, still looking. After half an hour of waiting, he started laughing. I opened my mouth to ask if he was seeing it, but I held my voice. Didn’t want to anger him.
“It’s blinking! It’s blinking Johnathan!” He laughed. I smiled. That wasn’t my name, though he called me that. Only several years later I would learn that was the name of his deceased younger brother. Every full moon, we would come look at it with the telescope. And he’d always call me Johnathan. Probably because he was always so drunk. But from always avoiding me or calling me “Brat”, Johnathan was a nice shift.
“Can I see?” I asked, and he lowered the tripod so I could see the moon. There was a small light blinking on it’s surface. It was truly beautiful.
“Fine, my turn again.” My father shoved me back, adjusted the tripod back, and started looking at it again. “It’s blinking so much tonight… Maybe… Brat, get my camera!” He shouted at me. I quickly went inside the house, and looked around for the camera in the living room. There it was, on a little pile of beer cans and empty rythmol boxes in the corner of the room. I hurried back outside, as fast as I could, as I did not want to anger my father.
I stopped on my tracks as soon as I was out of the house. There was a strange being involving my father. It looked like a snake, but I knew it was anything but a snake. There were not snakes that big where I lived. And certainly not with human faces. My father seemed oblivious to it, looking through his telescope, but the thing was all around him, from the bottom of his legs all the way to the top of his head.
“It’s blinking so much…” He said, in awe. The creature looked at me, locking eyes with me, and smiled, revealing several sets of sharp fangs. And then, it disappeared. My father looked at me, he was sweating. “I think… I need to lay down for a bit…” He muttered, before falling on the grass. I spent the entire night trying to wake him up, before my mother found me there crying the following day.
///09th of November 2021
“And that’s why you decided to study astronomy? Really?” Melissa laughed.
“Oh, come on, babe… Don’t make fun of my tragic past.” I said, finishing my waffles. She went to the fridges, grabbed the orange juice, and poured some in our cups.
“Shall we toast?” She asked.
“With orange juice? And what for?”
“Your impending graduation. What else?”
“Impending? Ha! I didn’t even start my capstone thesis.”
“So, what will it be about? Venus, right? Or was it Mars?”
“Nope. Too many people I know will already be working on planets like Venus and Mars. I thought about Neptune, but it’s too far away. So I figured, why not the Moon?”
“Please, don’t tell me this is about your father.”
“Mel, he wasn’t the best dad in the world. But he did left me his collection of vintage cars. This is what paid for my education.”
“He didn’t left it to you, it was divided between you and your mother.”
“Regardless, I feel like I owe him this. Apart from the cars, the moon was the only thing he loved.”
“You owe him nothing, Ezra.”
“I need to know what the blinking lights are! Lunar transient phenomena, it’s how they call them. There’s no scientific explanation to what they are.”
“Just because there’s no known scientific explanation, it doesn’t mean one does not exist. And if there’s one, it’s certainly not creepy snake-man” She laughed.
///04th of September, 2022
The first thing you feel when you start seriously investigating the moon is how mysterious it is. We only went there a handful of times, and then never again. All reasons are given for this, but it never really felt right to me. Maybe what happened to my father always made me feel paranoid about the subject, but I somehow felt there were things about the moon that were hiding on plain sight.
The focus of my research, the lunar transient phenomena, is incredibly unknown. Few studies were done about it, and most of them were never published or were abandoned. The few that were made available were either from little-known universities in third-world countries, in languages that I couldn’t understand and without English translation, or mere compilations of recorded occurrences. I found some theories. The lights were caused by magnetism, or by gasses, or by asteroids, perspective…
But mere hypothesis were not enough for me. I needed to know. I needed to understand. I needed… I needed to confirm it weren’t those lights who killed my father that day.
So, I delved deep into the research. I spent weeks in my bedroom, reading books and more books, entering all sorts of websites, sending emails to experts, looking for anything that could give me more information. But through all my effort, the only thing I could find were theories or hypothesis, all of them with little to no evidence. In my search for answers, I started straying further away from modern science, entering strange websites and reading books that talked about blatant pseudoscience, like astrology or the paranormal.
///17th of February, 2022
“So, what books will you be basing your capstone on?” My orienting professor asked. I could not see his face properly, we were talking through a videocall and he was not very tech savvy, so his eyes and nose were out of the frame.
“Chris, I can only see your mouth!” I laughed.
“Sorry…” He said, adjusting his camera. The framing was not perfect yet, but it was better. "Have you read the books I sent you?"
"They... They were not what I was looking for."
"What were you looking for, Ezra?"
"I told you. Answers. I have been looking for answers, yet I only find questions."
"We will only be able to find real answers when we actually set a lab on the moon. Until then, we will have to live with merely hypothesizing."
"I know, but..."
"Have you tried reading Kulikovsky?Or Hakan Kayal? Non-american studies in general."
"Yes, professor Chris. But... All studies seem to contradict themselves. Some point to studies that I can’t find anywhere, like they don’t exist anymore. Like they were erased by someone…”
“Some texts were never made digital or registered. It’s very unfortunate.”
“Everyone tries to find a logical explanation... What if there isn't one?"
"What is this truly about?"
"What?"
"It's just... You do know you can change your capstone thesis theme, right? Maybe an analysis of something more well-known could work better with your methodology."
"Chris, I will not change my mind. We have discussed this before."
"Well, well... I talked to one of my former colleagues, he is retired now, who also studied the moon, but his research was more focused on gravity. He told me there's a book called "A Study of the Moon with a New Lens" or something like that. Written by one Dr. Karl Hollfern in 1935."
"That is way before LTP was even catalogued."
"Catalogued, yes. Recorded? No. Hollfern studied extensevely the lunar mysteries. Unfortunately, he was executed by the Nazis because he opposed them. But his research lived on. My friend told me they have one of his books in the library. But it's in German."
///18th of February, 2022
I entered the library carrying a bag full of German grammar books and a dictionary. I would not let a little language barrier stop me from getting to the truth.
“Hello, how can I help you?” The librarian asked, barely averting her eyes from her cellphone.
“I’m actually looking for a book that could either be in the astronomy section or in the foreign titles section… Can you help me?”
“Which book?” She was still looking at her phone, seemingly playing one of those generic casual mobile games.
“It’s in German. Old, from the 1930s. Talks about studies of the moon made at the time.”
“Unusual request, but ok…” She put her phone on the counter, and started typing on the computer. “Can’t find it. Do you have the author’s name?”
“Karl Hollfern.”
“Uncanny. It’s unlisted.”
“What?”
“We have it in the library, but it’s not available. We usually do this when books are being cleaned. Usually takes a couple of days… It says it won’t be listed until… Until 2100?
“What? How does this makes sense?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been working here for sixteen years, and have never seen something like this. Regardless, I can’t lend you the book. I can’t even let you access it in library grounds.”
///23rd of February, 2022
I was drinking my Starbucks cappuccino while trying to make myself comfortable on the shopping mall bench, to no avail. I was tense. I had never involved myself with something like this. If my mother or girlfriend knew, they would kill me. An older man made his way out of the crowd and patiently sat down next to me.
“You were supposed to be sitting on the bench next to Nike. But no problem.” He laughed.
“Sorry. I got confused…” I facepalmed.
“I got the book you asked me too. But the price is going to be different in your case.”
“As in more expensive?”
“No. Normally, I charge twenty five grand, or double If the job is hard. In your case, the job was ridiculously easy. I will be charging five grand only.”
“Thanks! I’m transferring to your account right now…” I said as I typed on my phone.
“The book is in your car.”
“How did you… Oh, of course.”
“Pleasure doing business with you.” He got up and left. I immediately went to my car. There it was, Eine Untersuchung des Mondes mit einer neuen Linse.
///28th of February, 2022
“Honey, are you still awake?” Melissa asked me. I was sitting on a pillow in the corner of the room, aggressively doing more and more Duolingo lessons.
“I’m busy, Mel.” I said, without averting my eyes from the green owl.
“Is this about that German book you have been taking everywhere?”
“No…” I blatantly lied.
“Honey, you’ve been up all night. It’s ten to six.”
“What?”
“You are obsessed with this shit, Ezra! Look at you! This is the third time I find you here studying German instead of sleeping!”
“I’m sorry, but you do know I have a capstone thesis to finish, don’t you?!” I screamed back at her.
“Oh. So this is what’s all about, right?”
“Babe, it’s not like that…” Before I could say anything, she stormed out of the apartment. I stood there, frozen, for a minute or two, before I went back to my Duolingo.
///3rd of March, 2022
“Hello Ezra” Chris said, as I adjusted my camera. As usual, I couldn’t see his face properly.
“Good evening, professor Chris.”
“Ezra, are you okay? You look tired.”
“I’m fine.” I said vehemently.
“Ezra… I… I have bad news for you.” When he said that, I felt like a hand was smashing my heart. “The university has rejected your intended theme.”
“W-what?”
“You’ll have to pick something else. I’m sorry.”
“What? Why?!”
“Apparently there’s information about Lunar Transient Phenomena that is undisclosed to the general public. The feds were here yesterday, talked with the dean about it. Said that researching the LTP was considered meddling in national security affairs, and that all projects focusing on it were to be halted.”
“Bullshit!”
“I’m sorry. I know how much time you have already invested in this. But we’ll find something else, Ezra. There are more lunar mys…” I interrupted him.
“Why is it so hard to research a simple lunar phenomena?! Every time I advance, everyone tries to block me! They will not stop me from uncovering what happened to my father!” I slammed the table.
“What?”
“This will not stop me.” I muttered, while ending the videocall.
///8th of March, 2022
After some turbulent days, I was finally making progress again. My knowledge of German wasn’t great, but knowing basic grammar, using online dictionaries, and with a little help from online German studying communities, I was making my way through the book.
The book was almost a century old, yet I felt like I was finally making progress. The research by Hollfern was fascinating, but disturbing. He described how the “blinking moonlights” if watched carefully, could be interpreted as having meaning. My German was advancing but far from perfect, so I didn’t have the exact translation, but it said something about the moon speaking in some sort of secret code using the lights.
It also referenced some books, most of which seemed to not exist anymore, but some of them not only existed, I also managed to download their scanned PDFs. It was pretty unorthodox for a scientific study. There was a book on symbols and sigils of different religions, a compilation of theological texts about Gnosticism, a book compiling works by Schopenhauer, and a Hindi scroll explaining Chakras.
I didn’t understood yet how everything connected. Seemed like a strange collection of unrelated weirdness.
///10th of March, 2022
I stumbled upon something I had previously overlooked. There’s an work by Schopenhauer where he discuss reading the Upanishads, which are old Hindi texts. The Hindi text I had downloaded was translated to English, but what if I looked for the original? Maybe there was something I wasn’t shown.
The original had a section that was censored in the English version that talked about a Devas that was corrupted by an evil unknown entity called that attached on it’s solar plexus and made it miserable with overwhelming sadness and pain. A thing described as a floating jester.
///13th of March, 2022
The phone in the living room started ringing. I left it there, unwilling to stop reading the book and trying to translate the contents. The call went to voicemail, and then I heard the caller recording it:
“Hey Ezra, I know you’re going through a bad time, but as your orienting professor, I care for you. You didn't show up for any of your tests. I know you seem to be focused on your research, but this isn't the-" I unplugged the damn thing.
///16th of March, 2022
I got evicted after not paying my rent. Or I was supposed to be at least. I picked up my research stuff and rented a cheap motel room on the outskirts of my town. I could not pay for the rent, and least not for now, I spent most of my money buying books and old magazines during the last weeks. I don’t need a place to call mine for now. I just need to find the truth.
I know the government will come after me. I’m coming too close. But if they want me to stop, they will have to kill me. I’ve already lost everything. This investigation is all I have left.
///18th of March, 2022
There's an old website that I found while researching. A true relic, seems to be from the early 90s. It contains old conspiracies theories, like stuff about the Illuminati and New Age, Satanic Panic, how Ronald Reagan was actually replaced, among other things. But there was something among the insanity that I felt was the last thing missing in my investigation. The true reason why we never returned to the Moon and why the Soviets never even attempted landing on it.
According to that website, during the last moon expedition, in December of 1972, the astronauts were secretly instructed to find out what was causing the Lunar Transient Phenomena, and spent three days on the Taurus-Littrow Valley, the region where the phenomena was more frequent on the previous five years. They were carrying a seismometer, as the most influential theory at the time was that the LTP was being caused by moonquakes cracking the surface of the natural satellite and releasing gasses.
But what the seismometer detected was that there were no such thing as moonquakes. Their equipments revealed humongous structures, seemingly biological or mechanical, moving under the moon surface.
One day before they left, NASA detected an instance of LTP a few kilometers near where they were stationed, so the astronauts went there to check. What they found there was never disclosed, but some theorize they met one of the beings responsible for causing the blinking lights. And that was the reason humanity abandoned all expeditions to the moon. After five missions in three years, we never returned there.
///20th of March, 2022
I woke up feeling like my head was spinning. I was lying on the sofa of my motel room. Once again, I had spent the entire previous night and day reading texts cited by Dr. Hollfern. My tablet was out of battery, so I got up, feeling pain all over my body, and went looking for my charger. It took me a couple of minutes to notice the two men wearing dark suits, black ties and dark sunglasses sitting on my sofa. One of them had a silenced pistol on his hand.
“Good afternoon, Ezra Thornbridge.” The one holding the firearm said, with a voice so ordinary it was scary.
“W-what?!” I blurted, still trying to overcome the pain.
“Oh, don’t mind us. We are just here to recover something.” The other man said, smiling.
“Something that isn’t yours, yet you’re in possession of.” The man with the gun complemented.
“I… Who are you?” I asked.
“Right now, I’m the man pointing the gun at you.” The man with the weapon said, while his partner just shrugged.
“Fine, I’ll return your damn book. But I already know about it. I already put the pieces together."
"Oh, interesting. What do you think you know, Thornbridge?" One of them mocked.
"The Solar Plexus Clown Glider. I have studied them in depth. Or do you prefer to call them like the Gnostic theologians called them back in the day? Archons…”
“Look what we have here, Spencer. Like father like son.” The guy with the gun scoffed.
“I told you we should have just doped him and looked for the damn book while he slept. He is totally gone.” Spencer said.
“I’m not crazy! The Archons are real! They killed my father! They kill people! And you, instead of trying to protect the people, just hide their existence, just lie, just lie and lie and lie!”
“How can you be so smart yet so stupid?” The guy with the gun said.
“The Archons don’t kill people, Ezra. They just make you miserable and drown you in fear and pain.” Spencer said.
“But I saw one kill my father.”
“Your father died of chronic ventricular arrhythmia coupled with excessive alcohol ingestion. The thing you saw was merely an emotional parasite, feeding off his negative emotions and influencing him to indulge on them.” Spencer said.
“Does this mean…”
“Yes. It also infected you that day. That’s why you saw it. It’s been with you ever since. The more you learn about it, the more you dread, the more you obsess, the more you lose… You were feeding it all along.” Spencer explained.
“And why do you think we tried to protect you, dumbass? If the knowledge was harmless, we wouldn’t be around breaking the law and breaking people’s necks to prevent it from spreading.” The guy with the weapon said.
“It’s not too late, Ezra. When your father was alive, there wasn’t much we could do, but now we have technology to make them go away. But it has a cost.” Spencer explained.
“What cost?”
“You will forget your father. You will forget most about the moon and astronomy. Probably the entirety of the last few months. And there are probable side effects, like sporadic short-term amnesia.” Spencer said.
“Or we can just fucking shoot you in the forehead right now to prevent the thing from infecting more people. Your choice.” The guy with the gun said. I just turned around and ran as fast as I can towards the window behind me. I jumped out of it, shattering the glass, and fell on the hard cold concrete of the parking lot. I tried to get up, my body was all cut from the glass, and I felt something warm on my back, even though it was raining.
“Are you stupid?!” I heard the guy with the gun shouting while he and the other agent descended the staircase that led to the parking lot. I finally got up, feeling cold from the rain, and tried to run, but could only limp. Yeah, jumping out of the window like I was in an 80s action movie wasn’t the best idea. I heard another click behind me, and fell to the floor. I could see the agents running towards me, smoke coming out of the gun. There seemed to be snakes around both of them, smiling witch their human faces and several sets of sharp fangs.
I looked towards the sky. Among the raining clouds, I could see the moon above me, full and blooming. Blinking. Blinking so much.

///11th of June, 2006
“Dad, the moon!” I shouted as I entered the garage. My father was on the floor, under his Bugatti 57SC Atlantic, obsessively removing and re-installing pieces of the car like he always did. He quickly got up, a smile on his grease-stained face.
“Finally!” He said with his beer-breath, grabbing a towel and cleaning most of his face, before running outside as fast as he could. I followed him. I don’t know why I always liked these moments. Any child would find them terribly boring. But I always reveled on them. Maybe it’s because they were the only moments he smiled. He positioned his telescope on our front yard, adjusted the lens, drank a beer can and started looking at the full moon above us.
“Do you see it?” I asked, sitting on the grass next to him.
“Shut up.” He said, still looking. After half an hour of waiting, he started laughing. I opened my mouth to ask if he was seeing it, but I held my voice. Didn’t want to anger him.
“It’s blinking! It’s blinking Johnathan!” He laughed. I smiled. That wasn’t my name, though he called me that. Only several years later I would learn that was the name of his deceased younger brother. Every full moon, we would come look at it with the telescope. And he’d always call me Johnathan. Probably because he was always so drunk. But from always avoiding me or calling me “Brat”, Johnathan was a nice shift.
“Can I see?” I asked, and he lowered the tripod so I could see the moon. There was a small light blinking on it’s surface. It was truly beautiful.
“Fine, my turn again.” My father shoved me back, adjusted the tripod back, and started looking at it again. “It’s blinking so much tonight… Maybe… Brat, get my camera!” He shouted at me. I quickly went inside the house, and looked around for the camera in the living room. There it was, on a little pile of beer cans and empty rythmol boxes in the corner of the room. I hurried back outside, as fast as I could, as I did not want to anger my father.
I stopped on my tracks as soon as I was out of the house. There was a strange being involving my father. It looked like a snake, but I knew it was anything but a snake. There were not snakes that big where I lived. And certainly not with human faces. My father seemed oblivious to it, looking through his telescope, but the thing was all around him, from the bottom of his legs all the way to the top of his head.
“It’s blinking so much…” He said, in awe. The creature looked at me, locking eyes with me, and smiled, revealing several sets of sharp fangs. And then, it disappeared. My father looked at me, he was sweating. “I think… I need to lay down for a bit…” He muttered, before falling on the grass. I spent the entire night trying to wake him up, before my mother found me there crying the following day.
///09th of November 2021
“And that’s why you decided to study astronomy? Really?” Melissa laughed.
“Oh, come on, babe… Don’t make fun of my tragic past.” I said, finishing my waffles. She went to the fridges, grabbed the orange juice, and poured some in our cups.
“Shall we toast?” She asked.
“With orange juice? And what for?”
“Your impending graduation. What else?”
“Impending? Ha! I didn’t even start my capstone thesis.”
“So, what will it be about? Venus, right? Or was it Mars?”
“Nope. Too many people I know will already be working on planets like Venus and Mars. I thought about Neptune, but it’s too far away. So I figured, why not the Moon?”
“Please, don’t tell me this is about your father.”
“Mel, he wasn’t the best dad in the world. But he did left me his collection of vintage cars. This is what paid for my education.”
“He didn’t left it to you, it was divided between you and your mother.”
“Regardless, I feel like I owe him this. Apart from the cars, the moon was the only thing he loved.”
“You owe him nothing, Ezra.”
“I need to know what the blinking lights are! Lunar transient phenomena, it’s how they call them. There’s no scientific explanation to what they are.”
“Just because there’s no known scientific explanation, it doesn’t mean one does not exist. And if there’s one, it’s certainly not creepy snake-man” She laughed.
///04th of September, 2022
The first thing you feel when you start seriously investigating the moon is how mysterious it is. We only went there a handful of times, and then never again. All reasons are given for this, but it never really felt right to me. Maybe what happened to my father always made me feel paranoid about the subject, but I somehow felt there were things about the moon that were hiding on plain sight.
The focus of my research, the lunar transient phenomena, is incredibly unknown. Few studies were done about it, and most of them were never published or were abandoned. The few that were made available were either from little-known universities in third-world countries, in languages that I couldn’t understand and without English translation, or mere compilations of recorded occurrences. I found some theories. The lights were caused by magnetism, or by gasses, or by asteroids, perspective…
But mere hypothesis were not enough for me. I needed to know. I needed to understand. I needed… I needed to confirm it weren’t those lights who killed my father that day.
So, I delved deep into the research. I spent weeks in my bedroom, reading books and more books, entering all sorts of websites, sending emails to experts, looking for anything that could give me more information. But through all my effort, the only thing I could find were theories or hypothesis, all of them with little to no evidence. In my search for answers, I started straying further away from modern science, entering strange websites and reading books that talked about blatant pseudoscience, like astrology or the paranormal.
///17th of February, 2022
“So, what books will you be basing your capstone on?” My orienting professor asked. I could not see his face properly, we were talking through a videocall and he was not very tech savvy, so his eyes and nose were out of the frame.
“Chris, I can only see your mouth!” I laughed.
“Sorry…” He said, adjusting his camera. The framing was not perfect yet, but it was better. "Have you read the books I sent you?"
"They... They were not what I was looking for."
"What were you looking for, Ezra?"
"I told you. Answers. I have been looking for answers, yet I only find questions."
"We will only be able to find real answers when we actually set a lab on the moon. Until then, we will have to live with merely hypothesizing."
"I know, but..."
"Have you tried reading Kulikovsky?Or Hakan Kayal? Non-american studies in general."
"Yes, professor Chris. But... All studies seem to contradict themselves. Some point to studies that I can’t find anywhere, like they don’t exist anymore. Like they were erased by someone…”
“Some texts were never made digital or registered. It’s very unfortunate.”
“Everyone tries to find a logical explanation... What if there isn't one?"
"What is this truly about?"
"What?"
"It's just... You do know you can change your capstone thesis theme, right? Maybe an analysis of something more well-known could work better with your methodology."
"Chris, I will not change my mind. We have discussed this before."
"Well, well... I talked to one of my former colleagues, he is retired now, who also studied the moon, but his research was more focused on gravity. He told me there's a book called "A Study of the Moon with a New Lens" or something like that. Written by one Dr. Karl Hollfern in 1935."
"That is way before LTP was even catalogued."
"Catalogued, yes. Recorded? No. Hollfern studied extensevely the lunar mysteries. Unfortunately, he was executed by the Nazis because he opposed them. But his research lived on. My friend told me they have one of his books in the library. But it's in German."
///18th of February, 2022
I entered the library carrying a bag full of German grammar books and a dictionary. I would not let a little language barrier stop me from getting to the truth.
“Hello, how can I help you?” The librarian asked, barely averting her eyes from her cellphone.
“I’m actually looking for a book that could either be in the astronomy section or in the foreign titles section… Can you help me?”
“Which book?” She was still looking at her phone, seemingly playing one of those generic casual mobile games.
“It’s in German. Old, from the 1930s. Talks about studies of the moon made at the time.”
“Unusual request, but ok…” She put her phone on the counter, and started typing on the computer. “Can’t find it. Do you have the author’s name?”
“Karl Hollfern.”
“Uncanny. It’s unlisted.”
“What?”
“We have it in the library, but it’s not available. We usually do this when books are being cleaned. Usually takes a couple of days… It says it won’t be listed until… Until 2100?
“What? How does this makes sense?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been working here for sixteen years, and have never seen something like this. Regardless, I can’t lend you the book. I can’t even let you access it in library grounds.”
///23rd of February, 2022
I was drinking my Starbucks cappuccino while trying to make myself comfortable on the shopping mall bench, to no avail. I was tense. I had never involved myself with something like this. If my mother or girlfriend knew, they would kill me. An older man made his way out of the crowd and patiently sat down next to me.
“You were supposed to be sitting on the bench next to Nike. But no problem.” He laughed.
“Sorry. I got confused…” I facepalmed.
“I got the book you asked me too. But the price is going to be different in your case.”
“As in more expensive?”
“No. Normally, I charge twenty five grand, or double If the job is hard. In your case, the job was ridiculously easy. I will be charging five grand only.”
“Thanks! I’m transferring to your account right now…” I said as I typed on my phone.
“The book is in your car.”
“How did you… Oh, of course.”
“Pleasure doing business with you.” He got up and left. I immediately went to my car. There it was, Eine Untersuchung des Mondes mit einer neuen Linse.
///28th of February, 2022
“Honey, are you still awake?” Melissa asked me. I was sitting on a pillow in the corner of the room, aggressively doing more and more Duolingo lessons.
“I’m busy, Mel.” I said, without averting my eyes from the green owl.
“Is this about that German book you have been taking everywhere?”
“No…” I blatantly lied.
“Honey, you’ve been up all night. It’s ten to six.”
“What?”
“You are obsessed with this shit, Ezra! Look at you! This is the third time I find you here studying German instead of sleeping!”
“I’m sorry, but you do know I have a capstone thesis to finish, don’t you?!” I screamed back at her.
“Oh. So this is what’s all about, right?”
“Babe, it’s not like that…” Before I could say anything, she stormed out of the apartment. I stood there, frozen, for a minute or two, before I went back to my Duolingo.
///3rd of March, 2022
“Hello Ezra” Chris said, as I adjusted my camera. As usual, I couldn’t see his face properly.
“Good evening, professor Chris.”
“Ezra, are you okay? You look tired.”
“I’m fine.” I said vehemently.
“Ezra… I… I have bad news for you.” When he said that, I felt like a hand was smashing my heart. “The university has rejected your intended theme.”
“W-what?”
“You’ll have to pick something else. I’m sorry.”
“What? Why?!”
“Apparently there’s information about Lunar Transient Phenomena that is undisclosed to the general public. The feds were here yesterday, talked with the dean about it. Said that researching the LTP was considered meddling in national security affairs, and that all projects focusing on it were to be halted.”
“Bullshit!”
“I’m sorry. I know how much time you have already invested in this. But we’ll find something else, Ezra. There are more lunar mys…” I interrupted him.
“Why is it so hard to research a simple lunar phenomena?! Every time I advance, everyone tries to block me! They will not stop me from uncovering what happened to my father!” I slammed the table.
“What?”
“This will not stop me.” I muttered, while ending the videocall.
///8th of March, 2022
After some turbulent days, I was finally making progress again. My knowledge of German wasn’t great, but knowing basic grammar, using online dictionaries, and with a little help from online German studying communities, I was making my way through the book.
The book was almost a century old, yet I felt like I was finally making progress. The research by Hollfern was fascinating, but disturbing. He described how the “blinking moonlights” if watched carefully, could be interpreted as having meaning. My German was advancing but far from perfect, so I didn’t have the exact translation, but it said something about the moon speaking in some sort of secret code using the lights.
It also referenced some books, most of which seemed to not exist anymore, but some of them not only existed, I also managed to download their scanned PDFs. It was pretty unorthodox for a scientific study. There was a book on symbols and sigils of different religions, a compilation of theological texts about Gnosticism, a book compiling works by Schopenhauer, and a Hindi scroll explaining Chakras.
I didn’t understood yet how everything connected. Seemed like a strange collection of unrelated weirdness.
///10th of March, 2022
I stumbled upon something I had previously overlooked. There’s an work by Schopenhauer where he discuss reading the Upanishads, which are old Hindi texts. The Hindi text I had downloaded was translated to English, but what if I looked for the original? Maybe there was something I wasn’t shown.
The original had a section that was censored in the English version that talked about a Devas that was corrupted by an evil unknown entity called that attached on it’s solar plexus and made it miserable with overwhelming sadness and pain. A thing described as a floating jester.
///13th of March, 2022
The phone in the living room started ringing. I left it there, unwilling to stop reading the book and trying to translate the contents. The call went to voicemail, and then I heard the caller recording it:
“Hey Ezra, I know you’re going through a bad time, but as your orienting professor, I care for you. You didn't show up for any of your tests. I know you seem to be focused on your research, but this isn't the-" I unplugged the damn thing.
///16th of March, 2022
I got evicted after not paying my rent. Or I was supposed to be at least. I picked up my research stuff and rented a cheap motel room on the outskirts of my town. I could not pay for the rent, and least not for now, I spent most of my money buying books and old magazines during the last weeks. I don’t need a place to call mine for now. I just need to find the truth.
I know the government will come after me. I’m coming too close. But if they want me to stop, they will have to kill me. I’ve already lost everything. This investigation is all I have left.
///18th of March, 2022
There's an old website that I found while researching. A true relic, seems to be from the early 90s. It contains old conspiracies theories, like stuff about the Illuminati and New Age, Satanic Panic, how Ronald Reagan was actually replaced, among other things. But there was something among the insanity that I felt was the last thing missing in my investigation. The true reason why we never returned to the Moon and why the Soviets never even attempted landing on it.
According to that website, during the last moon expedition, in December of 1972, the astronauts were secretly instructed to find out what was causing the Lunar Transient Phenomena, and spent three days on the Taurus-Littrow Valley, the region where the phenomena was more frequent on the previous five years. They were carrying a seismometer, as the most influential theory at the time was that the LTP was being caused by moonquakes cracking the surface of the natural satellite and releasing gasses.
But what the seismometer detected was that there were no such thing as moonquakes. Their equipments revealed humongous structures, seemingly biological or mechanical, moving under the moon surface.
One day before they left, NASA detected an instance of LTP a few kilometers near where they were stationed, so the astronauts went there to check. What they found there was never disclosed, but some theorize they met one of the beings responsible for causing the blinking lights. And that was the reason humanity abandoned all expeditions to the moon. After five missions in three years, we never returned there.
///20th of March, 2022
I woke up feeling like my head was spinning. I was lying on the sofa of my motel room. Once again, I had spent the entire previous night and day reading texts cited by Dr. Hollfern. My tablet was out of battery, so I got up, feeling pain all over my body, and went looking for my charger. It took me a couple of minutes to notice the two men wearing dark suits, black ties and dark sunglasses sitting on my sofa. One of them had a silenced pistol on his hand.
“Good afternoon, Ezra Thornbridge.” The one holding the firearm said, with a voice so ordinary it was scary.
“W-what?!” I blurted, still trying to overcome the pain.
“Oh, don’t mind us. We are just here to recover something.” The other man said, smiling.
“Something that isn’t yours, yet you’re in possession of.” The man with the gun complemented.
“I… Who are you?” I asked.
“Right now, I’m the man pointing the gun at you.” The man with the weapon said, while his partner just shrugged.
“Fine, I’ll return your damn book. But I already know about it. I already put the pieces together."
"Oh, interesting. What do you think you know, Thornbridge?" One of them mocked.
"The Solar Plexus Clown Glider. I have studied them in depth. Or do you prefer to call them like the Gnostic theologians called them back in the day? Archons…”
“Look what we have here, Spencer. Like father like son.” The guy with the gun scoffed.
“I told you we should have just doped him and looked for the damn book while he slept. He is totally gone.” Spencer said.
“I’m not crazy! The Archons are real! They killed my father! They kill people! And you, instead of trying to protect the people, just hide their existence, just lie, just lie and lie and lie!”
“How can you be so smart yet so stupid?” The guy with the gun said.
“The Archons don’t kill people, Ezra. They just make you miserable and drown you in fear and pain.” Spencer said.
“But I saw one kill my father.”
“Your father died of chronic ventricular arrhythmia coupled with excessive alcohol ingestion. The thing you saw was merely an emotional parasite, feeding off his negative emotions and influencing him to indulge on them.” Spencer said.
“Does this mean…”
“Yes. It also infected you that day. That’s why you saw it. It’s been with you ever since. The more you learn about it, the more you dread, the more you obsess, the more you lose… You were feeding it all along.” Spencer explained.
“And why do you think we tried to protect you, dumbass? If the knowledge was harmless, we wouldn’t be around breaking the law and breaking people’s necks to prevent it from spreading.” The guy with the weapon said.
“It’s not too late, Ezra. When your father was alive, there wasn’t much we could do, but now we have technology to make them go away. But it has a cost.” Spencer explained.
“What cost?”
“You will forget your father. You will forget most about the moon and astronomy. Probably the entirety of the last few months. And there are probable side effects, like sporadic short-term amnesia.” Spencer said.
“Or we can just fucking shoot you in the forehead right now to prevent the thing from infecting more people. Your choice.” The guy with the gun said. I just turned around and ran as fast as I can towards the window behind me. I jumped out of it, shattering the glass, and fell on the hard cold concrete of the parking lot. I tried to get up, my body was all cut from the glass, and I felt something warm on my back, even though it was raining.
“Are you stupid?!” I heard the guy with the gun shouting while he and the other agent descended the staircase that led to the parking lot. I finally got up, feeling cold from the rain, and tried to run, but could only limp. Yeah, jumping out of the window like I was in an 80s action movie wasn’t the best idea. I heard another click behind me, and fell to the floor. I could see the agents running towards me, smoke coming out of the gun. There seemed to be snakes around both of them, smiling witch their human faces and several sets of sharp fangs.
I looked towards the sky. Among the raining clouds, I could see the moon above me, full and blooming. Blinking. Blinking so much.

Hi All! I am planning to travel from Hollister, Ca to Sly Park Campground (245mi) in 3 weeks. The plan is to camp out of the Mach E, but have range anxiety. Is there any near by chargers in Clipper Mills, CA? Any recommendations on apps that help plan your trip? I appreciate the advice!

Is Lake Lemon still a dog-friendly spot? We have a very-nearly-overweight pittie who desperately needs to start getting some exercise that isn't super impactful on her joints. We tried to take her on a walk yesterday (in the grass only, pavement was hot!!) and she didn't make it more than a few blocks before she was winded and pretty truly done with it. My poor hubby had to carry her 80lb butt back to the house.
If Lemon isn't an option, what other choices do we have? We're in Spencer, so things out our way would be fine, too. I only ask about Lemon because I grew up in Unionville and we used to take our Newfies out there to paddle around.
Also, leash requirements are fine! She's hyper friendly so unless there was no one there she'd be on leash anyway. She loses the single braincell she possesses when she sees someone she thinks might give her attention or food.
Thanks!

The episode resumed on a shot of two totem poles hanging from tree branches. The one on the left was a green-marked rat sitting on a toxic waste barrel; and the one on the right was a red-marked three-eyed maggot with a hazard sign on its base and a hatchet stuck in the bottom.
"Those, are your team totems," Chris explained, the shot panning down to show each team standing below their respective totem with the host roughly between them, the entire group standing in front of a river. "You need to cut 'em down, and get 'em in the river, and ride 'em back to the campgrounds," he explained. "First team there gets their pick of the cabins. But hurry! The totems are rigged with bombs that will explode if you don't plant 'em in front of your cabin in seven minutes or less," the shot zoomed in on the timer on the Rats' totem. "Starting now," Chris quickly added, and the timer began counting down from 7:00.
"Ooh, I wanna go first!" Katie replied enthusiastically, jumping onto the trampoline that had been set-up under the Maggots' totem. However, rather than go straight up she bounced off to the right with a startled cry and landed with a painful crash just past a nearby shrub.
\
"I'll give this a try!" Geoff announced as the focus moved to the other team, grabbing the hacksaw and jumping onto the trunk of the tree the Rats' totem was hanging from. Sierra and Sammy watched him climb in wary silence, then took a shocked step back when he slid back down almost immediately. "Don't worry. I got this!" Geoff brushed off his pain.
"I don't think that's going to work," Sierra said while B was thinking of what to do. "We need a plan!"
\
Scarlett examined the trampoline as the camera cut to the Maggots. "Here's what's going to happen. DJ will hit the center of the trampoline-"
Anne Maria walked past Scarlett. "Back off. I want a crack at this."
"I did not calculate your weight!" Scarlett tried to tell her.
Standing on a rock, Anne Maria jumped onto the trampoline. She slammed right up into the base of the totem face first and nowhere near the ax. She fell down to the trampoline, which bounced her back up, and caused her to slam into it with her back before falling again. The team watched in growing discomfort as Anne Maria repeatedly hit the trampoline and the totem back and forth. After a few more collisions, DJ pulled the trampoline out from under Anne Maria before she could hit it again. Instead of bouncing on the trampoline once more, Anne Maria's body crashed on the ground.
Confessional: Anne Maria
"Sure, I want to win a million dollars, but not at the expense of my looks," Anne Maria gestured to herself. "I mean, check me out. Perfect hair, perfect tan… all this is worth a billion, easy."
Confessional Ends
The footage cut back to another shot of the Rats' totem, Geoff still climbing up the tree.
"Well, if he can't climb it," Sammy said, the camera cutting back down to the forest floor where she and her teammates were looking up, "then I doubt any of us are gonna be able to."
"We have to do something," Sierra countered. "The Maggots are taking the lead!"
B then grabbed Leshawna's hand and led her to a log being balanced by a large rock. "Oh okay. You want me on this thing?" Leshawna asked while being positioned.
"Whoa there," Sierra said when B took her near the tree. "You want me to stand here?"
B ran and did a front flip onto the log, resulting in Leshawna landing on Sierra's shoulders. They all voiced their support, until Geoff fell on the ground in pain.
Confessional: Sierra
"OMG! This is my first confessional ever! I am so excited!" Sierra gushed. "I never thought I would be on Total Drama, my favorite show in the world! Now I will finally put to rest all those blog questions, like "Who will be our next villain?" or "Who's going to get eliminated first?""
Confessional Ends
A close-up showed Scarlett giving the trampoline's position a few minor adjustments, then smiling and standing back up. "Okay, you should be good to go!" she told Dave, who was now standing on the large rock that was behind their team.
"Right," Dave nodded. A tense challenge tune began as he jumped down onto the trampoline, then straight up to the totem pole. He grabbed onto the hatchet buried in the wooden carving and tried to pull it free, but it didn't budge. "How is this stuck in here so deep?" he grunted, swinging his legs up so he could brace them against the bottom of the totem pole.
"Well guys," Molly said, the camera panning down to her and the rest of the Maggots looking up. "I don't think this is gonna be enough."
Confessional: Molly
"Okay, so I don't really like working with people," Molly admitted to the outhouse camera. "I've been raised to work by myself and without help. My parents made me audition just so I can learn how to, uh, what's the word that starts with c?"
Confessional Ends
B launched Sammy up onto Scott's shoulders, who already went before her. "I'm good."
\
The challenge music resumed as the shot cut back to Dave hanging from the hatchet, still trying to pull it out. "Almost...got it!" he said, finally freeing the ax then grabbing a short branch below the totem as he started to fall back down.
"Nice job, Dave!" Trent cheered down below.
"Watch out!" Katie said suddenly, pointing up at the branch Dave was hanging by one arm from as a hairless squirrel emerged from a hole in the trunk with an annoyed chitter. "It's one of those weird rat things!"
The squirrel seemed to take offense to that, and its eyes began to glow red. It suddenly shot eye-lasers down at the phone addict, who jumped away. The squirrel did not let up, however, and kept sweeping its laser-gaze across the panicking Maggots below.
"Are these animals even tested?" Trent panicked.
\
B cartwheeled before jumping onto the log in order to get Geoff standing over Sammy.
"We just need one more person!" Leshawna reminded B. "Max, get your butt over here!"
The camera cut to the supervillain, who was writing on his notebook. "What evil nickname should I give myself? Professor Abomination? Too soft. Doctor Repugnance. Too smelly. Little Mister Dreadulocks. Me likey."
Max put his notebook away and went back to his team.
\
The hairless squirrel was still attempting to zap the six grounded Maggots, forcing them to run about in terror.
"I thought animals were our friends!" DJ shrieked.
"Oh no," Dave said as the shot cut back to him hanging from the branch the squirrel was on, which soon turned its attention to him. "Why are you zapping me?!" He quickly threw the hatchet in front of his face as the squirrel fired its laser, and the beam bounced off the tool and directed at the higher branch the totem was hanging from – the blast snapped through it, sending the Maggots' totem pole crashing to the ground. The team cheered and Dave got off the branch.
"Now to get this totem into the water!" Scarlett said after.
\
"Release me this instant!" Max yelled because of B dragging his body onto the log.
With a mighty leap B launched the small, screaming boy into the air, and the dramatic music peaked as he sailed through the air. Max was able to land on top of Geoff.
"Quick!" Geoff told him, the shot zooming out to show him giving Max the rickshaw. "Cut the rope, little dude!"
"I don't like being told what to do normally," Max brattily whined, turning around and sawing through the rope holding up their totem. A few seconds later, the totem landed on the ground earning a cheer from the seven Rats.
"Nice job, B. We might just win this!" Sierra congratulated the burly man.
Confessional: B
B blew into his fist and rubbed it off in accomplishment.
Confessional: Scott
Scott was throwing a rock against the wall and catching it when it bounced back to him. "B thinks he's so smart. But once my plan goes into action, he won't know what hit him!" In the middle of his sentence, he stopped throwing his rock. He went back to his activity once more, but failed to catch the rock as it hit his eye, making him react painfully.
Confessionals End
The challenge music resumed over a shot of the rocky river, whoops and shouts of excitement coming from upstream. The camera panned up just as the Toxic Rats floated by on their totem – B at the head followed by Geoff, Scott, Max, Leshawna, Sierra, and Sammy on the end. The Mutant Maggots floated by soon after, Scarlett in front, followed by Molly, Katie, Anne Maria, Trent, Dave, and DJ in back.
"They're gaining on us, dudes!" Geoff shouted in alarm after looking back.
"I think we have bigger problems," Scott said, pointing forward. "Look!"
The perspective briefly switched to reveal that the river they were on was heading over a cliff, and the Rats gasped. "Weaklings," Max scoffed, "it's just a little waterfall!"
"It's more than just a little waterfall!" Sierra corrected in rising panic.
The shot zoomed out to show the top of the waterfall, the seven screaming teenagers shooting over it on their totem pole and falling into the forest below. Unseen branches snapped as they plummeted, but the camera cut to the ground just in time to show them landing on the shore of the waterfall's basin on the broadside of the totem pole, and after a bounce that jostled Sammy from her seat they began to slide down a hill.
Sammy screamed, hanging on to the back of the fast-moving pole with only her hands.
"Hold on, I've got you!" Sierra told her, quickly turning around and grabbing her arms. She easily pulled her back onto the totem, and the cheerleader instantly stopped screaming. "Hang on to the totem pole tightly if you don't want that to happen again."
"Uh, sure!" Sammy hesitantly promised.
Back at the top of the waterfall, the Mutant Maggots shot out into the air with screams of their own. As with their rivals, the sound of crashing branches preceded the thud of their landing, and they whooped and cheered as the camera cut to them sliding down the hill.
"Lean forward!" Scarlett commanded.
"You want us to do what?" Anne Maria spluttered.
"She's right. Lean!" Trent said, and the others promptly did so. The shot zoomed back out to show the Maggots passing the Rats.
"Now they're in front of us!" Leshawna shouted.
"B wants us to lean forward!" Geoff advised everyone, and they leaned forward as well.
"FASTER!" Max barked, to the annoyance of his teammates. "We must go faster or else-"
"We get it!" The Toxic Rats stopped Max's ranting.
\
The music stopped abruptly as the scene moved to Chris and Chef, lounging in short white deck chairs outside of the cabins – the one on the right looked just as it had in season one, but the one on the left had been replaced by what looked like a larger and much fancier two-and-a-half-story house.
"Ahh, feels good to be back," Chris said, leaning back in his chair while Chef read a book.
The sound of panting prompted the camera to pan to the right, and none other than Owen ran up. "Hey, Chris," he said, "the boat wouldn't stop for some reason!"
"Oh look, it's former player Owen," Chris told the camera, "who's not competing this year!"
Owen continued. "So I swam back over here to-" He paused, blinked, then widened his eyes in realization. "What?! Not competing?!"
"I'm afraid you and the other 'classic players' have outlived your usefulness," Chris explained. He briefly looked at the camera, then added "Chef?"
The hulking man stepped forward and planted a bomb similar to the ones on the totem poles on Owen's chest. Owen screamed in growing horror as the light on the bomb began to blink. He turned and fled, but the host smiled impishly and eyed the button on his remote.
The scene cut to a long-distance view of the thousand-foot-high cliff as Owen's screams were followed by an explosion that launched him into the air, visible even from afar.
Chris and Chef were laughing hysterically as the shot cut back to them, but they stopped as soon as they heard the laughs and cheers of a team approaching from the forest. The camera cut to the foot of a hill on the edge of the woods as the totem bearing the Mutant Maggots slid down, and came to a stop just before the host and cook as a victorious tune played.
"Yes! We arrived first!" Katie cheered in celebration.
"Tick tock," Chris told them. The bomb's timer was shown counting down from 0:15 to 0:14.
"Quick, grab the better cabin!" Dave commanded, and the shot cut to the two cabins – a flat stump occupying the area between them – as the seven teens carried their massive totem over their heads, grunting with the effort.
They managed to place it upright on the stump, and the timer stopped at 0:05 seconds. As it flashed and beeped the Maggots cheered for their victory...that is, until the sound of approaching screams caught their attention.
The music turned tense again as the Rats finally arrived at the bottom of the hill, hitting a small bump in just the right way to send their totem flying into the air. All seven fell off it, and to the mute shock of Chris and Chef it crashed into the second story of the better cabin. The timer on it counted down from 0:03, to 0:02, to 0:01.
The explosion that followed blew the entire two-and-a-half-story building apart, leaving behind nothing but smoke and splintered boards.
"Too bad," Chris told the Mutant Maggots as the camera panned right to the seven shocked teens standing around their totem pole, "it had an eight-person hot tub and air conditioning!" They all groaned in disappointment.
"That just makes it worse!" Molly grumbled.
Chris gave her a look of amusement and smiled. "Look on the bright side," he told the indie chick. "As the first team to arrive, you guys win the first challenge!" They cheered and celebrated their victory.
"So where are we gonna sleep?" DJ asked the host after they finished celebrating.
"No worries," Chris told him as the sound of a helicopter rose up nearby. "We've got a back-up cabin for you. It's every bit as nice as the one you lost." As he spoke, the show's red helicopter was shown bringing in the cabin in question and lowering it into the scattered rubble of the old one...revealing that the new one was basically identical to the older model the Rats had gotten stuck with.
The Maggots groaned again as it landed on the ground and one of its doors fell off its hinges.
"Team Rat," Chris told them as the camera panned back to them, "I'll see you at the campfire for the first elimination ceremony of the season." He laughed, then high-fived Chef.
The seven losers grudgingly made their way to their new abode, and the camera focused in on Max near the back of the group as he sniffed. "Such incompetence. Are all of you good for nothing?"
"Excuse me? It ain't our fault we lost," Leshawna said, angry with Max. "The other team was faster than all of us even when we busted our butts out there!"
"Hmph! My point still stands," Max ignored the sista. "Now nobody bother me! I'm going to rest for a while because I deserve it after what we've been through today."
As Max sniffed once more while walking to his cabin with even more disdain than the last, he was completely oblivious to the glares he was receiving from his teammates.
The shot zoomed on to Scott, who was mad at first but then knew who to vote off. "I think I know who'll be on the chopping block tonight."
\
The footage skipped ahead with a dramatic beat, a full moon now shining over Camp Wawanakwa.
"The votes are cast," Chris said as the camera panned down to the campfire pit, the seven members of the Toxic Rats sitting among the eleven stump seats – Max and Leshawna in the front row on the far right; and Sammy, Scott, Sierra, Geoff, and B taking up the entire back – and Chris in position at the oil drum podium. "Those who receive a regular marshmallow can stay. But this season," the shot cut in closer to the host as the faintest beginnings of the series' deep and tense elimination music played, "one player will receive a very special marshmallow. A marshmallow you do not wanna eat." He motioned to the side as Chef walked up, wearing a hazmat suit and carrying a thick metal box marked with a hazard symbol.
Chef flipped open the lid of the box, revealing a single marshmallow with a bright but sickly green glow to it. "Whoever gets the Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom," the host explained, "is out of the contest. Which means, you can't come back! Ev-er." He paused for a brief moment, then smiled and picked up the first normal marshmallow from the tray resting in front of him.
"The following players are safe," he announced. "Sierra," he tossed the first bit of white to the obsessive uberfan, who caught it eagerly.
"Scott." The second was thrown to the devious, who caught it in his hand with a smirk.
"B." The mute claimed his marshmallow with open hands.
"Sammy." The nervous caught her prize while frowning.
"And Geoff." The party guy got his next, catching it with his hat.
"And the Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom goes to," Chris announced as the music began to rise. The camera cut to the back-right corner as Leshawna and Max stiffened up. As the tension in the music continued to build, close-ups of each contestant were shown – first Leshawna, then Max – as they began to tremble and sweat. The Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom was shown glowing in a pair of tongs held by Chef, and finally the camera cut back to Chris as the music peaked and he said...
"Max."
"BLAST!" Max shouted in outrage. "You shall regret ever having met me, Chris McLean!" The glowing marshmallow was tossed at him, but he caught it and threw it back, though he winced at the pain; a few dark notes played as the toxic sweet burned a hole into the ground.
"If it makes you feel any better," Chris told him, "we came up with something new this season! You'll looove it."
\
The screen rotated around itself, the scene cutting to the torch-lit dock where, of all things, a large catapult had been set up. Max was sitting warily in its bowl while Chris watched nearby.
A short but grandiose fanfare played. "Say hello to the 'Hurl of Shame'!" Chris introduced excitedly, the series' sombre farewell tune beginning in the background. "Patent pending."
"I shall have my REVENGE!!" Max declared before he was catapulted into the air and hurled off into the distance over the lake.
"One down, thirteen to go," Chris told the camera with a grin, the series' capstone theme starting up. "Who's next in line? Find out next time, right here," he pointed downward, "on Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!"
The camera jumped outward with each part of the title as usual, ending with a long-distance shot of Wawanakwa with the moon's broken reflection shimmering on the surface of the lake.
(Roll the Credits)

Episode 01: Bigger! Badder! Brutal-er!
The scene faded into a shot of the Earth from space, an astronaut banging on a small communications satellite in the foreground with a wrench. The satellite had the letters 'TDRI' scrawled on the front in black.
"We've been to the movies," the voice of Chris McLean began as the satellite seemed to whir into function, lights on either end of it glowing green. "We've been around the world!" Just as the astronaut gave the camera thumbs-up, the satellite suddenly failed with a jolt of electricity and broke apart, the astronaut palming the visor of their helmet. "And this season," Chris said as the camera rapidly began to zoom in towards northern Canada, "we're going right back where it all began," the camera past through layers of cloud to reach a beautiful morning sky, then panned down to an all-too-familiar island, "at Camp Wawanakwa!"
Chris McLean was already standing just off-center on the dock, right by the 'Wawanakwa' sign – both of which looked like they'd gone through some heavy wear and tear. "I'm Chris Mclean," the host formally introduced himself, "and as you can see, things have changed since we've been away." He walked down the dock to where a male red-shirted intern of southeast Asian descent waited with a coconut drink on a platter; the right side of the camp's sign fell down as he passed by, taking out a small piece of the dock.
"And by changed," the host said with a darkly expectant smile, "I mean gotten really, really, dangerous!" He took the coconut drink from the intern. As soon as he did so a giant pink tentacle rose from the lake with a terrifying roar, and slammed down on the dock – Chris calmly sidestepped it, but the intern and a sizable chunk of the end of the dock were smashed into the water. "Good stuff," the host laughed.
"But the rules of the game remain the same," he told the camera, the scene changing to a panning shot of one of the cabin rooms, a cockroach scurrying over the lens. The room itself looked about the same as it had three seasons ago – decrepit and old-fashioned, but boringly so. "A handful of unsuspecting teens will bunk with complete strangers," Chris explained during the pan, the shot cutting to a stained piece of male underwear nailed to a wooden door that promptly opened to reveal the old outhouse confessional within, "air their dirty laundry in our outhouse confessional, and compete in life-threatening challenges all over the island," the camera cut to a long-distance shot of the thousand-foot-high-cliff, zooming in on the gleamingly jagged rocks in the water below it, "and risk being voted off," Chris continued as the shot cut to the clearing, firepit, oil drum, and eleven stump-seats used for Campfire Ceremonies of the past.
"Last one standing wins," the shot cut from the elimination area to a still image of a wheelbarrow overflowing with money, "one, million, DOLLARS!" A short, grand, and victorious tune blared as the shot zoomed in on the prize money.
"Speaking of our cast," Chris said back on the Dock of Shame as a cool rock theme began to play, "here they are now!"
The shot cut to a small but luxurious red-striped yacht where the twenty-four contestants of the past three seasons could be seen more-or-less enjoying themselves. Brick and Courtney were making out on the starboard side while Ella, Ezekiel, and Sadie danced nearby, Eva looking away from them. On the stern deck, Mike, Owen, and Sky were dancing and Izzy was hanging upside down swinging life rings with Noah watching with disinterest. On a higher sternward balcony, Dawn was meditating, Beth was reading a book, and Cody and Harold played with video game handhelds. Shawn dropped down on the group unexpectedly from even higher up, startling all four. And at the bow, Heather leaned coolly against the port-side railing and smiled at the camera, Topher was looking at his reflection in a mirror, Jo and Lightning arm-wrestled on the railing next to them, Amy and Rodney were dancing to music that Duncan was setting up on his boombox, and Lindsay sat on the very foremost point of the railing posing.
Chris waved at the yacht as it approached...and kept on going, the music scratching to a halt instead of the ship. "NOOOO!" Owen hollered in surprise in anguish as the boat sailed off-screen, and Chris laughed.
"No, not them," he told the camera as it zoomed back in on him. "This season, we've got all new players, fighting for the million!" he announced as the music turned tense and grandiose. "And here they come now, for real!"
The shot cut to another yacht approaching, similar to the last one but with its stripes a pale teal instead of red. Several teens could be standing along the bow, port-side, upper deck, and stern, and the camera cut to those at the head of the ship – Molly and Dave.
"Meet Molly," Chris said, the girl noticing the boy next to her feeling scared.
"What’s the matter? We’re just going to compete where the show started," Molly assured the boy.
"Dave," Chris continued, and the boy blinked.
"Yeah, but I didn't know that the island would consist of toxic waste," Dave told the girl before breaking out the hand sanitizer and rubbing his hands and arms with it, causing the indie girl to raise an eyebrow.
The camera panned to the right to show the next two campers in line – Scott and Trent.
"Scott! And, Trent!" Chris continued.
"Why are you carrying a guitar around?" Scott asked Trent, who was happily tuning up his guitar.
"So I can practice my songs at camp," Trent smiled at the grumpy boy.
"Max!" Chris announced next, the pale boy in question suddenly and without warning popping up between Scott and Trent with enough force to knock the two to the sides with startled cries. From the evil smile he was sporting to the pale skin, everything about him radiated villainy.
"These compestants have no idea what awaits them when we arrive," Max said, speaking darkly as a dark tune played in the background. "For I am the definition of pure evil!" Max degenerated into laughter as the camera panned away from him, showing Leshawna and Sammy, the next contestants.
"Leshawna," Chris introduced the large girl witnessing Max's introduction.
"That boy is not right in the head," Leshawna shook her head with disapproval.
"Sammy," Chris introduced the nervous cheerleader.
"He is a bit free-spirited," Sammy said timidly while holding her left arm.
The camera panned right again to show B. He snapped his fingers for the audience.
"B," Chris finally introduced, "and Scarlett," he added, the camera panning further right to show the girl next to B reading a book.
"You seem confident to be here," Scarlett said dryly without taking her eyes off her book. "Do you know about the substance of toxic waste and radiation?" B nodded in agreement, impressing Scarlett. "That's good to know."
"Katie," Chris continued as the scene cut to a spot further down the yacht, showing the girl holding her tablet.
"Just in," Katie waved pleasantly at the camera. "I'm about to be competing for a million dollars, I-"
As she spoke the camera panned away to Anne Maria spraying her hair.
"Anne Maria," Chris introduced.
"Oh yeah!" Anne Maria looked at the camera. "Three more coats oughta do it."
She was interrupted when Katie walked back into the shot. "Not to be rude," she looked at the camera, "but you panned away before I could finish my introduction."
"Sorry, viral," Anne Maria smirked. "The camera just loves me more."
"Geoff," Chris introduced next as he dashed onto the scene, putting himself next to the two girls.
"Okay, girls," Geoff said in what was a chill tone, "let's not get off on the wrong foot. You'll get more camera time after we're all introduced."
Anne Maria proceeded to spray her hair again, the cloud causing Geoff and Katie to cough profusely.
"Sierra," Chris introduced next, the camera panning up to the girl standing on the upper balcony.
She was hurriedly typing into her phone. "I can't wait to step foot on Camp Wawanakwa and talk about it on my blog!" Sierra said, looking around in amazement until a small flock of pigeons flew past and knocked her over the railing with a scream.
"And DJ," Chris finished as Sierra landed next to the fourteenth and final competitor of the season.
DJ looked down as Sierra landed and gasped. "Oh snap! Let me help you up!" DJ quickly bent down and helped Sierra up. "There you go."
"Yup!" Chris said as the shot cut back to him on the Dock of Shame. "It's our roughest, toughest, most explosive season ever!" He took out a remote control, and pressed the large central button with his thumb.
The yacht that the new contestants were sailing in on suddenly exploded, sending all fourteen of them flying and screaming in every direction.
Chris took a casual sip of his coconut drink, then looked at the camera and raised a finger high. "Right here," he said as a faint version of the series' capstone theme played, "on Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!" The shot jumped outward as the title was said, showing Wawanakwa island in its entirety with a few plumes of smoke in the distance marking where the yacht had exploded.
xxx
(Fade to Opening Theme)
[The sequence begins much as it did three seasons ago, with an open into letterbox format as the camera focuses on the tops of a few distant pine trees. A rusty stage light rotates up and turns on; then the shot changes to a cobwebby spotlight swinging down and turning on as well; then a small security camera popping out of one of several leaky toxic waste barrels; then another camera bursting out of a tree hollow, held by an octopus tentacle and dislodging a few bones; then a pair of fair-skinned arms clapping a film slate in front of the camera which switches to a shot of the island, briefly showing a giant octopus looking out of the lake to the right, then flying forward down the dock and past the buildings, passing under a totem pole that Chris was sitting on and which was being carried by a trio of male interns of mismatched heights.]
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doin' fine;
[The camera rapidly flies through the trees as the lyrics begin, quickly reaching the top of the thousand-foot-high cliff.]
You guys are on my mind!
[It looks down at the ring of buoys in the water below and dives, immediately cutting to an underwater view as the bubbles disperse to reveal Sammy gagging with several vicious-looking fish watching her hungrily until a claw-like machine grabbed her and pulled her up to the surface.]
You asked me what I wanted to be,
And now I think the answer is plain to see!
[Up in a canoe, B tinkered with the machine, and looked up as it pulled Sammy out of the water and into the sky.]
I wanna be...famous!
[The scene lingers on Sammy in front of the sun for a moment, then quick-pans left to Katie in the middle of the woods posing as she is filming herself; a falling Sammy abruptly hits her on the back and knocks both to the ground. Katie lifts her head to look at the cheerleader, who just smiles bashfully. Geoff runs past them as the camera pans left to Sierra sitting on a tree branch and texting on her phone. Gophers suddenly pop up from the ground and roar, causing Sierra to flee.]
I wanna live close to the sun!
[At the top of a waterfall, Molly and Trent float downriver in a canoe. Trent was playing a song on his guitar, to which Molly was vibing to until she finally spotted the waterfall. Both screamed as they went over the edge.]
Well pack your bags, 'cause I've already won!
[The camera pans down to DJ, balancing a log on his finger. Though he does not see the canoe falling behind him, he does see Molly and Trent as they fall right on top of him, breaking the log he was holding onto and sending all three into the water.]
Everythin' to prove, nothin' in my way;
[Scott is laughing at the three's misfortune, and a monstrous shark with arms and legs bursts out of the outhouse with a toothy grin, making Scott run away.]
I'll get there one day.
[The camera pans to the Mess Lodge, Chef Hatchet's silhouette visible in the window. Zooming in to the room shows him stirring a pot of some greenish slop with a dark grin, and the shot pans over to show Max cackling wickedly until Chef shoves a spoon full of slop into his mouth.]
'Cause I wanna be...famous!
[Another pan to the left reveals Anne Maria spraying her hair. Once she realized she was being recorded, she glared at the camera and sprayed it with her can. The spray cloud moves the scene out of the lodge and into the beach, where Scarlett is calmly reading her book – until a hawk flew right in just to snag it and flew away, much to Scarlett's unamusement.]
(Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
[The camera pans away from Scarlett and on to Dave applying hand sanitizer. A furry hand taps him on the shoulder, distracting the germaphobe and allowing the arm to snatch away the sanitizer. Dave realizes what's happened, and rushes angrily at the large hairy ape-man now using the hand sanitizer.]
I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous! (Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
[The camera pans down to the end of the dock to show Leshawna, blowing a kiss before taking a few steps back. She busts out a few dance moves of her own.]
I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous! (Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
[A sudden splash of water comes down on the sista, interrupting her dancing and causing her to send a frown upward – Chris is hovering above him in a jetpack and helmet, holding an empty bucket. He drops the bucket then flies off, the flames from his jetpack taking over the screen. It becomes night as they peter out, and the camera pans down across the stars and treetops and full moon to Anne Maria and Geoff sitting at a campfire together. As they lean towards each other with expectant smiles they are interrupted and separated by Chef Hatchet, wearing a hazmat suit and holding a glowing green marshmallow between them with a pair of heavy tongs.
The shot zooms out to show the rest of the cast looking shocked, whistling the last few notes of the song – Trent, Leshawna, B, Scott, Dave, and Katie on Anne Maria's side; Max, Sammy, Molly, Scarlett, DJ, and Sierra on Geoff's side; and Chris standing next to Chef on Geoff's side as well. The shot continued to zoom out until a signboard was shown marking the presumed entrance to the fire pit; it read 'TOTAL DRAMA REVENGE OF THE ISLAND' in block letters, the third word being the largest and the last word relegated to a board tacked on at the end.]
XXXXX
"AAAAHHH!" Max screamed, the episode fading in to him landing hard on a rock jutting out of the water. "Why must a villainous mastermind suffer like this?" he groaned, pitifully sliding into the water as Anne Maria swam past in the background.
"Chris is so getting a beatdown for this!" Anne Maria said to herself.
Sammy was shown swimming by clinging to a piece of driftwood, then looking to the side at the sound of someone coming up behind her. "Sorry about this!" Trent shouted as he shot past like a torpedo.
The camera followed Trent as he swam past Molly. "There is a thing called open space!" Molly said before continuing her swim.
The shot cut back to Max, now flailing his arms as he struggled not to drown. "Spaz," Scott said as he swam past him.
Max finally sank below the water, but fortunately Scarlett quickly swam over and dived down.
"I pity you, and I also don't want you dead," Scarlett informed as she surfaced, pulling a coughing Max back up with her.
"Get me to land now!" Max demanded.
The camera cut to Geoff. He reached another rock jutting out of the water and pulled himself up onto it. "Okay. How am I gonna get myself to shore?" The party guy then saw a long piece of wood shaped like a surfboard and grabbed it. "I think I know what to do!"
Positioning himself on the rock while laying belly first on the wood, Geoff boosted himself off the rock and rocketed through the water, even managing to get up and maintain himself.
The shot cut to Scarlett helping Max swim to shore, only for a surfing Geoff to unknowingly splash water onto the both of them, causing them to fall under the water.
Leshawna sputtered as she sank and struggled to stay afloat. "I don't think I can stay up for much longer!"
"I'm on it!" DJ and Katie said, appearing out of nowhere and swimming to the girl.
"Oops. You can go first. Sorry if I interrupted," Katie apologized.
"No no. You can go instead. I think it was the other way around," DJ offered.
"Well, I mean, if you insist," Katie chuckled until the hand of Leshawna held onto Katie's head for support, dragging her down.
DJ panicked. "Hang on! I'm coming!" He dived down and got both Leshawna and Katie, the former spitting out water.
"If we weren't in water right now, I'd be tweeting about you saving me," Katie commented.
Confessional: DJ
"So this is my first confessional," DJ opened while looking around the outhouse confessional. "I've watched the first season, and this is where the contestants come in to talk about their feelings or strategy or whatnot."
"We're all newcomers here, so if I see anyone struggling, I'll be there to help them out," he continued with a smile before frowning. "Right after I get used to this island first."
Confessional: Katie
"Hello," Katie said in the next confessional to her tablet. "This is the first time I am in the Total Drama confessional. It's a little disgusting, but that's for another time!" She continued with her perky smile and put her tablet away. "I came onto this show in order to promote my vlogging expertise and gain more followers. I'm a bit of an advice guru, so don't be surprised if I have a solution for some sticky situations." She laughed blissfully. "That was so alliterative!"
Confessionals End
The footage resumed with a rather wet Trent on shore. He looked around, then cheered in victory. "Yes! I'm first!" he cheered. "And my guitar is in one piece-"
His face dropped as he looked to his left, and the camera panned to show Sierra fixing her wet hair.
"How did you get here before us?" Trent asked.
"I practiced swimming back home in case we have a beach episode," Sierra explained happily.
Dave was the next to come to shore, crawling out of the water. "I'm here!" he panted before falling on his face.
Confessional: Dave
Dave squirted hand sanitizer on his hands, and set his pocket-sized bottle aside on the seat, beginning to rub his hands together to spread the cleaning product. "How did I not read my contract fully? I never would've signed up if I had known how unclean the environment was gonna be."
Confessional Ends
B and Max were the next to make it to dry land, the quiet genius dragging the super villain up the beach on his head with the super villain coughing out water.
Confessional: Max
"I do not like yachts, so it was very enjoyable to have it be destroyed," Max grinned. "I just wish it was me who blew the yacht up instead of being on the receiving end like those other fools," he complained briefly.
"I guarantee you, everybody will be frightened by my abnormally large brain and my super advanced hearing. No one has ever, ever been able to sneak up on me!" he declared confidently just as an orange butterfly flew over him. It landed on his head...and with a sickening bone-crunch, Max started to tilt over. "Begone, brutal butterfly!" he cried in pain, falling over onto the seat under the butterfly's weight.
Confessional Ends
The footage cut back to the beach, showing Trent, Sierra, Dave, B, and Max loitering around a large rock further up the beach and revealing that Scott, Scarlett, Anne Maria, Sammy, Molly, Leshawna, Katie, and DJ had all made it to shore as well.
"This is preposterous!" Max ranted, pouring water out of his shoe. "I am not to be treated with disrespect! Chris will rue the day he met Max Mayhem!"
Molly was sitting next to Max and listening without a care. "Is your last name actually Mayhem? If it's not, I'd respect you for creating your own nickname."
Max was about to answer, but a wave and a dramatic riff signaled that another person had washed up.
It was Geoff, who coughed out a small fish.
Confessional: Geoff
"I wiped out for a while," Geoff confessed. "I’m more into parties and having a good time. As long as I get along with everyone and not be harsh, I can last up to the tenth or eleventh episode."
Confessional Ends
"I can't believe we were blown up before we even got on the island," Sammy said, Katie sitting near her. "I've been watching Total Drama for a while, and I can't even tell what's going to happen next," she looked at the girl.
"It's not your fault. None of us can look into the future," Katie told her before looking at her tablet. "Katchy Katie here, and so far, the island is looking pretty bland," she told her viewers.
"Katchy Katie?" Sammy wondered. "What's that about?"
"That's just my vlog name," Katie explained. "I usually record what's going on in my life so I can tell my viewers what to do and not what to do."
"Could you send me a link to your vlog?" Sammy asked the influencer. "It sounds interesting."
Katie gave a slip of paper with her name on it to Sammy. "Here you go. It's best to always keep track of what you see and know on paper so you won't forget in the future."
"Attention, fresh meat!" Chris announced, the shot cutting to a pair of loudspeakers on a tree nearby, then panning down and right to show that all fourteen campers were now waiting around on the rocky beach. "See that trail leading into the forest?" the host continued, the camera following the contestants' gazes right as they looked at where the beach, trees, and rocks met. "Race to the end of the trail," Chris commanded, "and do not disturb the wildlife! That would be bad."
"Does he seriously think that will frighten us?" Scarlett blew him off.
"The tiniest sound can set them off," Chris continued. "Liiike...THIS!" He blew an airhorn over the intercom, forcing all fourteen campers to cover their ears.
The camera panned over to the distant treetops on the left, the airhorn fading in to a loud, terrifying roar that startled a flock of birds to flight. The music became tense as one tree was knocked over, then another closer to the beach. Finally, the cast screamed and fled into the woods.
\
A clock wipe transitioned the footage ahead to an adorable little purplish bird singing on a branch...until a frog-like tongue snapped out of a hollow behind it and dragged the bird into darkness.
The camera panned down to a finish line, just as Geoff and DJ ran past it with the brickhouse in the lead. "Alright! First place!" DJ turned to the party guy. "Don't worry. Second's not that bad."
"I know," Geoff smiled. "I don't get why people are worked up over it though."
It was then that Chris rode up on a red ATV, his usual smile on his face. "Party Time, two steps left. You're on Team A," he directed, Geoff nodding happily and walking a few steps back towards the finish line. "Big Friendly Giant? Move right. You're on Team B," he told DJ, directing him to the right; he complied just as Scott crossed the finish line, skidding to a stop next to Geoff.
"Pit Sniffer," the host told him, "you're on Team A." Molly slid in next. "Free Spirit, Team B," Chris told her.
"Alright then," Molly said with a smile and ran off to the right. B stopped running and came to a halt.
"Silent Treatment, Team A," Chris told him, causing him to give his signature greeting to Geoff and Scott before Trent arrived. "Guitar Hero, Team B," Chris told him.
"Okay!" Trent went to his designated team.
Sammy and Katie arrived next, the nervous cheerleader bending over to catch her breath and the influencer clutching her chest. "Sour Sport. Team A. Perky Influencer. Team B," Chris said.
"I'm not that bad," Sammy mumbled while Katie ran to her team.
"Blogspot, Team A," Chris continued over a shot of Sierra running and stopping at her team. Dave arrived next. "Germ Avoider, Team B."
The camera zoomed out a little ways from Team A just as Leshawna ran up, panting and out of breath.
"Loud and Proud, Team A," Chris said. "Tan in a Can, Team B," Chris continued as Anne Maria arrived, walking rather than running.
"I'm… so… tired!" Max moaned while dragging himself through the floor.
"Maniacal Max, Team A," Chris directed. As Max joined his teammates they all looked back towards the finish line, with Scarlett simply walking to the finish.
"Aaand Quiet Genius, Team B," Chris finished with a smile.
"What was that thing in the forest?" Sierra said, trudging past her teammates.
"I'm pretty sure that cry does not sound like any normal animal," Trent added.
"Relax, it'll all make sense eventually," Chris explained, his impish smile quickly degenerating into long, evil laughter that caused the two teams to stare at him and look at each other in awkward, nervous confusion.
Chris finally stopped laughing, and wiped a tear from his eye. "Now, this season of Total Drama will be a little bit different," he explained. "For example, in every episode, someone will be eliminated."
The campers gasped, and an ominous chant played in the background. "It's never been that hard before," Sammy remarked in shock.
"I know," Chris told her with a smug grin, "I'm good. But since you're all first-timers, I'm gonna cut you a break and hide this bad boy somewhere in the campgrounds." He held up what appeared to be a small wooden carving of his head, and the shot cut in for a close-up. "A genu-ine McLean Brand Chris Head! Your free ticket back into the game!" The small carving was shown against a radiant white and blue background, an angelic chorus playing as images of Chef Hatchet dressed in a lavender leotard and tutu, angel wings, and a halo flew into the corners of the screen while holding harps and singing.
"Even if your teammates vote you off," he added as B and Geoff were shown staring with wide eyes. "Whoever finds it," Chris continued over a shot of DJ, Dave, Scarlett, and Molly also watching with wide eyes, "will become the most powerful player in Total Drama history!" Both Sierra and Max were shown smiling in awe.
The angelic chorus ended as Chris brought the statue in for a closer look. "Is the cleft on my chin really that big?" he asked in concern.
"Yep, and it looks like a butt," Scott answered, earning an annoyed glare from the host.
"Moving on," Chris said forcefully, "time for the team names!"
"I hope the names won't be stupid!" Molly immediately said. "I don't want to be defined by a name like the Silly Bunnies?"
"You got that right Molly," Chris told her, "The names have been chosen by moi. Team A, you shall henceforth be known as, the Toxic Rats!" A short but energetic riff played as the screen switched to a green, red, and yellow starburst-patterned background, a green logo spinning up to the front. It bore the image of a six-limbed rat standing up on its hindlegs and bearing its teeth menacingly.
The Toxic Rats stared blankly for a moment before Max laughed and said "How evil!"
"And Team B," Chris continued, turning his head to the other six, "you are hereby dubbed, the Mutant Maggots!" A different energetic theme played as a teal, yellow, and orange sunburst-patterned background took over the screen, and a red logo spun up to the front. This one depicted the head of a three-eyed maggot, its mouth frozen in a gaping hiss.
The Mutant Maggots stared blankly for a second as well. "What's with all the chemical waste references?" Dave asked.
The perspective switched to a group shot as another loud roar shook the area. "It's the monster!" Anne Maria shouted in terror, making the others look around in shock.
The shot cut to some distant trees, a flock of birds flying away as one fell, then the camera panned to the right as another closer tree fell. Dave, DJ, and Katie gasped in fear, the brickhouse quickly grabbing the influencer's arm for comfort, and the camera zoomed in on a bush in front of the last fallen tree.
A small hairless squirrel with big yellow eyes jumped out and looked around.
"So we panicked over a small squirrel?" Scarlett said in disbelief.
"Aww, it's kinda cute!" DJ gushed...until it blinked sideways, and he cringed audibly.
"What happened to it?" Katie asked from off-screen as the squirrel happily blinked and looked around some more.
"While we were gone," Chris explained, "I rented the island out to a nice family-oriented biohazardous waste disposal company." As he spoke, the camera cut to a pile of oil barrels stashed in and around a tree. All of the barrels had a hazard sign on them, and most were leaking some sort of foul bubbling green liquid. "Sweet people," the host remarked.
"But," he added as the focus cut back to him on his ATV, "the waste is having a teensy bit of an impact on the flora and fauna." The hairless squirrel was shown again, blinking as a monarch butterfly flew close to it. It snapped out its tongue like a frog, and swallowed the butterfly up.
"This may be odd, but that squirrel is cool!" Geoff said with a grin as Max and Sammy gave him odd looks.
"You know," Leshawna said, cautiously approaching it with a smile on her face, "it looks weird but I'm sure it's perfectly harmless! Am I right?" She reached out to pet it, and it roared the same deep and terrifying roar that had scared them all earlier, then shot lightning from its eyes at the ground Leshawna was standing on. Leshawna screamed and ran away, and the squirrel blew her a raspberry before hopping back into the bush.
Chris was laughing hysterically as the shot cut to Leshawna jumping into the arms of a surprised Geoff in fear. The camera cut back to Chris as he stopped laughing, then in an elated and dramatic tone said "Most. Danger. Ev-er~!" as an equally sharp and dramatic tune played.
Confessional: Leshawna
"That guy is some kind of crazy," Leshawna confessed to the outhouse camera in outrage. "Adding toxic waste to the island? That's gotta be a criminal offense if it endangers us."
Confessional Ends
"Now," Chris said with a wide smile as the scene cut back to him once again, "before we start our very first challenge of the season, let's give out some rewards. DJ," he turned to the left, "because you made it up here before anyone else, your team gets a trampoline!" A grand tune played as the shot cut to a close-up of the trampoline, and moments later Chef Hatchet bounced down upon it. "And the Rats, get a hacksaw," Chris added, the shot cutting upwards to show his glowering assistant holding the tool in question.
Chef suddenly lost his balance and fell with a crash; Max laughed and had the hacksaw thrown at his head for it; and Scarlett silently laughed too, and in turn got crushed by the trampoline that was thrown at her, making her groan in pain.
"What do these items have to do with this bomb?" Chris asked, holding up a square of plastic explosives with a wireless timed detonator attached to it.
"Uhh, he's not gonna blow us up again, is he?" Trent nervously asked an equally nervous Scarlett.
"Who knows," Chris said with a sly smile, leaning in between the two with the bomb. "Find out when we come back!"
(Fade to Commercial)

DMing a game with 5 x 6th-level PCs (Wild Magic Barbarian, Shepherd Druid, Fey Warlock, Psi Fighter, Phantom Rogue). They've just made their escape from an Orwellian 1984-style dystopian fiefdom with very few spell slots/class resources remaining. Three of them have a level of Exhaustion.
It's getting late in the evening and they're travelling as fast and far as they can on foot along the merchant road until they find a suitable spot to camp. They'll find just such a place this session:

• A 60 x 60 forest clearing adjacent to the road, littered with gravel (perhaps the remains of old residences or similar).
• An old obelisk stands at the far end of the clearing bearing strange markings, surrounded by smaller, hip-height standing stones.
• Another group of adventurers have already set camp loosely near this landmark.
• They're non-hostile but one of them is an infamous 'witchfinder'. This person hunts down anyone who abuses magic, or who didn't receive it through their own hard-earned study or birthright. Basically a warlock hunter; druids may well fall into this category too.
• The party won't recognise the witchfinder by looks, but they've heard plenty of dark rumours about this person over the last several sessions while travelling through the fiefdom. The looks on their faces when it eventually dawns on them that the witchfinder is here will be priceless.

Through basic investigation, they'll learn that this obelisk is of Fey design, and its strange markings are actually some kind of Druidic or Sylvan script, which will be of particular interest to the Fey Warlock, Wild Magic Barbarian, and Shepherd Druid. Naturally, any spells that get openly cast by the party will attract the pointed curiosity of the witchfinder and his party.
What is this obelisk? What does it do? Is it a dormant Fey crossing? Is it some kind of Fey prison? Is it an elaborate Fey prank set up to look enticing and mysterious to travellers? What do the markings say and what do they translate to? Perhaps the warlock's patron - a very chatty pixie queen - has something to say or a task for them related to the obelisk?
You decide!

[←Chapter 52] [Cover Art] [My Links] [Index] [Discord] [Subreddit] [Chapter 54→]
Efrain woke, and with consciousness reasserting itself came a pain unlike any he’d ever experienced. It was a lugubrious sensation that stretched over the entirety of his body like a giant bruise. It took a further moment to remember that this was not normal, and in fact was quite alarming. He tried to gauge where he was, but found only blackness to greet him.
So I’m blind as well? He thought, with all the dispassionate annoyance of a man finding a favoured tool lost.
He could still feel his feet and fingers, wrapped in cloth as they were, so that was a comfort. Reaching for his head, he found the cold stone of the mask still there, though it lacked a lot of the curse that gave it its ‘hungry’ quality. Tugging it, he felt it resettle into a more natural position, and with it light came in to show his surroundings.
There was canvas arcing over a ribcage of wood, which rocked with every turn and bump in the rode. A gentle sunlight managed to penetrate the cloth, flickering with the passage of leaves. Efrain gripped the wooden frame and drew himself up to sit, trying to remember how he’d gotten here. His groan at the effort attracted the attention of Innie, who was sitting by the open slit near the front.
“Efrain?” she asked, hesitatingly.
“Yes, yes. It’s me,” he said, the words feeling foreign and slippery on his non-existent tongue.
“Efrain?” she asked again.
“Yes! Yes. It’s me. Here, somehow. What the hell happened?”
“You… you absolute fool!” she half-screamed, “you nearly got yourself killed!”
“I-” he said, the phrase ‘got yourself killed’ stirring something of a memory within. It was very distant, without much cohesion, like a memory of childhood. Still, there was enough there to remember some definite sensations, a sight and sound or two-
“You know what,” he said slowly, “I think I might’ve actually been dead, at least for a little bit,” he said, pulling at his hood.
“What?!” she gasped, “how could you possibly know that?”
“I was… somewhere else. I can barely remember, but it was so strange. I had my body again, I think, and it was…” he started trying to piece together the fragments flitting about the edge of recollection.
Her expression suggested that she was actively considering the potential that her partner had gone completely insane.
“It was someplace I don’t think I’ve ever been before, but it was still familiar,” he said, “I think I met somewhere there. Or multiple people. I definitely saw- there was something that-”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
“It was- it was very strange,” he said, further efforts to find other words failing him, “well, in any case, I’m back. I think so, anyway.”
“How do you feel?”
“Like I’ve been dashed against a cliffside,” he laughed, “I thought I wasn’t supposed to feel pain in this form. That was supposed to be one of the advantages.”
“You scared me. The only reason I didn’t think you were fully dead was that your bones retained their shape, even though you were unconscious.”
“Huh…” Efrain murmured, raising an arm to inspect it, “that shouldn’t be possible. The enchantments holding me together should’ve fallen apart as soon as I went under.”
After a cursory inspection to verify all of his limbs were present and more-or-less correct, he looked over at the cat.
“However it happened, it would appear that I’m not done yet,” he said slowly, only half-sure in the conviction.
There was something different about how he experienced himself, just in the background, but definitely there. It was a sense of disconnection, like he was floating just behind or above his body, experiencing what he did from an outside perspective.
“Well, I suppose that’s… good,” said Innie.
“Don’t cry too much for me,” he said, “anyways what happened? I don’t remember anything after the crypt, other than the fire.”
“We did it,” she said, “more-or-less, the creatures were largely incinerated, good riddance. Unfortunately a defender or two got caught up in the blaze, as well.”
“Oh dear,” Efrain said.
“Are you really surprised? It wasn’t our power, and we certainly didn’t know how to control it. I’m surprised we didn’t burn ourselves in the process.”
“Not an experience I would care to undergo again, that’s for sure.”
Innie’s shiver indicated that she thought much the same.
“Right, right,” he continued, “so then, how did we get from there to here, then? And where is here?”
“A wagon, travelling with the train of troops, heading south for Karkos. The commander offered you a slot, unconscious as you were.”
“I would’ve thought burning a few villagers would’ve soured his disposition.”
“Apparently not. Efrain, I don’t know this man, but he’s clearly playing his own game, and it involves you.”
“I see,” he said, tugging at his robe so that it hung around his shoulder more naturally, “I assume you acted on my behalf while I was… gone, for lack of a better word.”
“I did what I could, which wasn’t much. I was fully expecting them to fall upon us after that, especially you, defenceless. But no, he came to me and proposed that we come with him.”
“He… treated with you?”
“He said that we probably wouldn’t find much welcome among the villagers, and the paladins were not inclined to let us go either. His soldiers, on the other hand, would follow his orders, and he could personally guarantee our safety all the way to Karkos if we chose to come.”
“And you went with him,” Efriain sighed.
“What else was I supposed to do?” None of your ‘friends’ were nearby, and Naia was right about the villagers, to say nothing about the paladins. I don’t use money, nor would most treat a cat given the choice. Did you want me to drag you out into the wilderness and run into a wildling looking for a chew toy, or worse?”
“All right, allright,” he said, raising his hands to placate the wisp mother, “I don’t begrudge you anything. It sounds like you made the right choice.”
There was a silence, in which Efrain clearly perceived that Innialysia was apprehensive.
“Efrain he… and I want you to understand, even with all the things I said earlier, I was still going to refuse him. I didn’t and don’t trust him still but he told me that… that the River had told him that he needed us.”
The revelation was one that ran along his spine, and threw the captain into an entirely different light. Using the River’s words as a bargaining chip, or even just reassurance spoke to a knowledge of the magical world that far surpassed most in his lands. He must’ve known that Innie was loath to speak to the ignorant, and tempered his speech accordingly.
“Well, we’re at his mercy, for better or worse,” Efrain said, “where on the trail are we and how long have I been out?”
“Three nights, so roughly four days of travel,” she said, cocking her head, “I think that puts us two or three days from the city proper. I’m not sure, I’ve rarely come down this way.”
Efrain tried to recall the geography of the region, without much success. After a few minutes though, the aimless maps he drew in his head began to resolve with some clarity. They would be reaching the edge of the forests in a day or two, and entering the outlying highlands of the coast. From there, they’d rapidly come across the farmlands owned by the city that flanked its outskirts. The pain was beginning to subside now that he had started to move his limbs cautiously. To his joy, he could find no fault in them or their function, as far as he could tell.
“Well then,” he said “I guess I should meet with the commander and get a read on what he wants. Do you know where Tykhon is?”
“I think I saw it wandering behind the train, a far distance. It doesn’t want to get too close.”
The wagons had begun to slow, the light outside taking on a reddish hue as the sun began to dip. Obviously they were breaking for camp, which suited Efrain just fine. When they’d come to a full stop and Efrain drew himself up to go outside, he was taken aback by the sudden appearance of a face through the flap.
“Oh!” Aya said, in a half-squeak, “You’re awake!”
“I forgot to mention,” said Innie, “she’s been coming around every now and then.”
“Right, then, yes,” Efrain said, straightening, “how can I help you?”
“Well, I was just coming to chat with the madam,” she said.
“Madam?” Efrain said, looking at the cat who was conspicuously staring elsewhere.
“I didn’t realise that you were awake, I- I’ll just go and come back later. You probably have a lot on your mind,” said Aya, withdrawing through the break in the fabric.
“Well, that was a way to wake up,” said Efrain, listening to her footfalls fading into the distance, “right so… commander! Yes. Just need to get my bearings.”
Outside was slightly foggy, although Efrain gave much praise to gods he didn’t believe in that it wasn’t the unnatural, fear-laced apparition that had plagued them. The trees were less large and intimidating than the ancient northern conifers, the bowes of them dense and green. The breeze that wafted through them was noticeably warmer as well, though it still carried a northern chill.
“Right then,” Efrain said as he clambered down past the hitchings to the ground.
It didn’t take long to find a spirited young man, riding along behind them.
“Would you happen to know where your commander is?” Efrain said, erring on the side of politeness.
“Good evening lord Efrain,” he said, “the commander ordered you to be sent when you awoke. You’ll likely find him near the top of the line, or at the centre of camp, depending on how set up he is.”
He pointed up through the line of horses and various pages and servants. Most were beginning to set up tents and firepits, or leading the mounts to be tied off. Efrain thanked the man and set off in the direction he indicated, weaving between the various groups that were forming. It didn’t take long for him to find Naia’s small tent, the standard bearer in front alerting the commander within.
Naia sat before a small table, furiously scribbling at a scrap of parchment. At his left was Damafelce, still in her riding gear, though she was currently attacking a bowl of something creamy with vigour. Efrain stood in silence for a few moments, watching as the knight pointed out something to the commander and murmured a correction. Both of them looked up as he cleared his throat, and Naia issued one of his sly smiles.
“My, lord Efrain, a delightful surprise,” he said, “in truth, I was beginning to worry we’d lost you for good. It would be an ill thing to carry a rotting body around all the way down to Karkos. Damafelce, you are excused, although I would like you to have that talk with Lethsoco. He’s been getting too eager recently.”
She nodded, and draining the last of her bowl, departed from the room. Efrain was offered a small stool, which he gratefully sank into before the commander.
“I’m sorry if jumping into business immediately might not be to your tastes,” said Naia with a genuine note of regret in his voice, “but there’s some conflicting reports I simply must sort out.”
Efrain laid his elbows on the table and laced his fingers, waiting for the commander to begin.
“Some are from my own soldiers, some are from the paladins, some are from others. I personally have my own beliefs, but I think it’s better to hear it from the horse’s mouth, as it were. Would you mind telling me what happened after I rode away from the village?”
Efrain took a moment to gather himself, and piece together what spare memories he could, before beginning to relay the general account of what had happened. Over the course of the next half-hour, Naia interrupted him constantly, asking clarifying questions, or for more detail on this incident and that.
“Lillian told me that you attempted to burn down the church,” he said, “is that true?”
Efrain caught a distinct impression that the captain already suspected the truth, yet was encouraging him to proffer a lie.
“Well, I can understand why she might believe that,” he began diplomatically, “but no, that wasn’t my intent. The magic I was using was difficult to control, and I had to improvise quite a bit. Desperate times, desperate measures.”
“So the damage to the church was merely incidental,” Naia said, his eyes settling, “would that you could convince the paladins otherwise. They seem quite intent that you were trying to kill all of them.”
“I’m not holding out hope to curry favour with those two.”
“Implying that you might wish to do so elsewhere,” Naia said, the glimmer returning, “although I’ve had my fair share of headaches with those two, they’re more reasonable compared to others. They’re still young, they’ll probably settle with time and the right guidance.”
“They’ll have to learn not to be afraid of things they can’t control, if the children are any metric,” Efrain said, not interested in mincing words.
At that, Naia leaned forward, regarding Efrain with such intensity that the older man felt uncomfortable.
“‘Something they can’t control’...” he said, repeating the words with purpose, “but I do imagine you have some things to ask me, don’t you?”
“Several things,” Efrain said, “but I’ll stick with one for now. Why did you save me? Do you need me for something?”
Naia’s silence was full of purpose, cast in the shadows that flickering candles cast on his face. Without a word, he got up, and left through the front of the tent, exchanging words with the standard bearer outside. Efrain heard footsteps receding as Naia reappeared, sat down, and leaned in to lower his voice.
“I would say I believe I owe you a debt, or at least, that’s what I would say if you were stupid enough to believe that,” he said, “given I’ve already used that justification, I wouldn’t blame you if you were suspicious.”
Efrain leaned in himself, wondering where this apparent candidness had come from.
“If you really want to know, then the truth is simple,” he said, “I was taught from my earliest days that only a fool dismisses talent based on superstition. You might notice that many of my own ranks would be dismissed, if not outright laughed at by others. Damafelce, a knight, and what’s more a right-hand? A woman from the barbarous jungle of Nieth?”
He began to tap his quill on the desk.
“Tools, lord Efrain. I want, and have great need of them. I am not the paladins - my words on this parchment could command a garrison to be built, or a man to be cut down in his home. Creation, destruction, good, evil, all dependent on the whims of the wielder. Magic is the same.”
“And which variety would you prefer me to be?” Efrain asked.
“Both, as the need may take it. I did not get this far without being flexible, and neither will you,” said Naia, “and while we’re on the subject, let me offer you something.”
Efrain would’ve held his breath, but settled for stiffening to attention.
“I want you to come with me, to Karkos and beyond. I want you to serve under me, with all the obligations, and privileges, that implies.”
Efrain was struck genuinely speechless. He had, somewhere in the back of his mind, idly conjured the vision of such an offer, but it was a silly fantasy, not something to be believed, let alone desired.
“I understand if you are hesitant,” Naia said, spreading his hands, “but fate has dropped one opportunity into my lap, and I’m inclined to see if I can secure another. Call me greedy if you wish, but I was also taught to not let such things slip by.”
“I don’t- why would you-” Efrain began, trying to form a sentence to describe the whirlwind of shock within him.
“Consider this, Efrain - a young, up-and-coming commander with a good record. Rather unorthodox in his choices of subordinates, enough for some to whisper in the dark, enough even perhaps, to close off some opportunities for promotion.”
A smile flickered at the edge of his lips - he was clearly enjoying this pantomime.
“Now consider, that the man returns, safely bearing a paragon of the church, who’s been sought for over sixty years, through trial and tumult. His warriors and he are lauded for their ability and leadership, despite their odd origins. What could be in store for such a person? Respect, certainly, but what about promotion?”
“So, you want to be a general,” said Efrain.
Naia smiled and bowed his head, humbly presenting himself.
“And you need me because… why? Please don’t think I believe this whole screed on ‘talent’. You’re doing that to appeal to my own sensibilities about the church.”
Naia laughed openly at that, though it wasn’t the most pleasant sound.
“I see you’ll need more cajoling than that. There are other reasons a mage would be valuable to me, this is true. But I wasn’t lying about talent being valuable to me. All I ask is that you think about this offer, and if you’ll accept it, I’ll tell you the rest.”
Efrain sat in silence for a while, wondering at the strange offer. Listening to the wind whistling through the trees, his hand unconsciously crept up to scratch at his forehead. Naia was looking at him expectantly, perhaps hoping he’d jump into it impulsively to reveal the mystery, but Efrain was intent on gauging the motives of this man.
“You do know,” Efrain began, “that inferno up on the roof. It would be difficult, probably impossible to do it again. And, if I tried, there’s no guarantee it wouldn’t cause significant damage to your own side.”
“I guessed as much, and no, I wouldn’t expect a display like that,” Naia said with a wry smile, “you wouldn’t be of much use to me dead, Efrain.”
So he wants me alive to do something, something with magic? Or something else? Efrain thought. He began to think about what else had changed throughout the last few days, and tried to recall what exactly Naia would know from his reports.
Certainly he would probably have at least a neutral appraisal from his soldiers, but that couldn’t be it. And mages could be found to do all sorts of magical tasks, even in Angorrah, if one was willing to seek them out. So was it for some unique power or ability then? He had shown him the River, but that was also an accident. And he didn’t expect him to use the flames of the Wisp Matriarch, or so he said.
What did Efrain offer to Naia, something that he only, or at least only a few others, could offer him? What had changed the offer of cooperation from simple guidance to something more long-term and involved? Efrain furiously reflected over the last few days, and suddenly he had it.
And with that, a whole web opened up before him, glistening with many unknown strands.
“Commander, before I say anything, I would like to ask just three questions. Quick ones, I would think.”
“Please.”
“You are a commander, aren’t you? I was given to understand that they managed much larger forces than this company. Over whole regions, in fact. That would normally be your duties, no?
The man nodded.
“Usually up to a thousand, though circumstances demand otherwise on occasion. Still, this is the smallest force I’ve wielded for a while now. My trusted and favoured.”
“And tell me, the children, they’re usually guarded by a retinue of paladins, I would assume, back in the holy city?”
“Indeed. Dozens of them.”
Naia’s eyes were glittering.
“And you were heading to do what all that way up north?”
Efrain of course knew the answer to this question, but he needed the cover if he could get it.
“Subjugating a castle, filled with undead, or so the tales go,” he said, “they made quite a big deal of it, back in the castle.”
Efrain sat, slotting pieces into place as he studied the man’s face.
“There’s indeed something you’re not telling me, commander.”
“Oh?” Naia said.
It was a game to him, Efrain was sure of it. A game of guesses and knives in the dark.
“So,” he began, “the church talks up a mission to the far north, all the way across the continent. Some terrible beast, holed up in some old castle. Well, of course, they couldn’t finance a full contingent. Only a hundred measly men. No one wants to take the deal, I assume, so they offer something to sweeten the pot, a crusade, with the two most sacred figures of the church at the head.”
Naia offered the slightest nod and opened his mouth to speak.
“Only, that’s not the real reason,” Efrain quickly interjected, deciding to take his chances, “I was there at the Frozen Vale, laying to rest the evil spirit you claim. And there were undead, weak, of poor craft, but numerous. Enough to man the battlements effectively if the spirit so chose.”
The momentum of the lie carried him onwards to his conclusion.
“So, tell me, why did you have few men, no siege equipment, and little stores? And why were the two most important people in the faith there with two bodyguards between them?”
The darkness of Naia’s eyes reflected the candle, twin flickers of flame and serpentine consideration.
[←Chapter 52] [Cover Art] [My Links] [Index] [Discord] [Subreddit] [Chapter 54→]

The one I have is the camp mat plus. Besides my previous issue, I have left it out for nearly an hour now and it has done next to no inflating. Wondering if it is a dud?
Watching reviews it said you should wait longer first time but I was expecting to see some progress by an hour mark. I also tried to lay on it and it is certainly not comfortable. It felt like the cheap roll mats.
From the videos I saw it was supposed to go to like 90% and then you just add the little extra yourself. It has barely done anything. Want to know if it sound like a bad one or this is par for the course and have to do something else to activate it somehow on first run.

B and I got together when we were both 20. We were friends in middle school and high school. She would later tell me she had a huge crush on me and would have jumped on me given the chance. She had a boyfriend who was 2 years older than us, played hockey and had a badass truck given to him by his parents and B (my ex) was a blonde smoke show. I was not even in the same league in my eyes, but apparently he would walk her to and pick her up at social studies because she had told him she liked me and he was jealous.
Fast forward to when we were 20. I was scrolling Facebook one night and she had posted she was bored. I commented simply "do something about it" she Dm'd me right after and I asked if she wanted to hang out. It just so happened to be a provincial holiday with fireworks, so we walked to the harbor and watched them, after we went and played pool at a bar and to finish the night we drove to a beach and laid on the hood of my truck and watched the stars, then had the best sex I've ever had in my life. Turned out to be the perfect date just by chance.
I had found out a few days later through the grapevine that she had just gotten out of a very bad relationship and had gotten tied up in heroin with the guy. She was still addicted, but being a 20 year old working in camp and the connection we had from before everything I kept seeing her when I was on my off shift.
Turns out when you fuck someone 12 times a day for 7 days straight who has a less than perfect routine with birth control, they can and will get pregnant. We were 20 and more or less FWB and she was still doing drugs so I asked if she would get an abortion. She said no. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving a child with a drug addict, even if she was young with good parents and on track to clean up, so I stayed.
Over the years we ended up having a great relationship. looking back on it 12 years later and it was amazing. She cleaned up while pregnant, we rented a big house in a rural suburb, we had our daughter and we had our perfect little family. She ended up starting college to be a nurse when our first child was about 18 months old .Were then making good money and were getting set up pretty well in life at this point, so we decided to have another child.
We ended up buying a house in the same area later on near some friends of ours. At the time I thought it would be great being so close to good friends, later it turned out this was not the case.
Over the years of living in our own house my ex would drink with her friends more and more. To the point it got really bad, she would drink every day, wake up at noon or later on every weekend leaving me to do things with the kids alone. She gained alot of weight and started smoking cigarettes too. She was getting depressed and would not make any changes to her lifestyle saying it's not that bad. All of this was a huge strain financially and emotionally on our relationship. We got abusive and toxic with each other and our perfect life and family was turning into hell.
I ended up leaving the house 6 months ago. I took our travel trailer and lived in it at my aunt's. I kept paying the mortgage and car payments as we were going through our separation, I was offering her a buyout over 100k below market to keep her and the kids in their home, this would give me just enough to start over and her mortgage payment after child support would be very easy to deal with. She was not taking the separation well, she believed I would come back but I told her over and over that we were finished.
My mother in law called me a couple days ago and told me she found B dead in her bed with family photos around her. She overdosed herself. I'm going to say right now that B is one of the strongest ppl I know, she overcame that terrible drug for aver 10 years and we had the picture perfect life that would not have been possible with her hard work and determination. I had no idea I still loved her so much still. I've been crying for 2 days straight. My heart is breaking for my kids, they are destroyed by this.
I feel like a peice of shit. I should have helped my best friend when she was on a downward slide, yet I just left. Now she's gone because of me leaving. Everyone is saying it's not my fault but it is, we were holding each other up. She would have never touched that stuff if I hadn't left and now my children's beautiful mother is dead and I have to try and raise my 2 beautiful children by myself.
Look around you and your life, remember how short it is and dont take for granted those you love.

Almost immediately after Glacier was established as a national park, Louis W. Hill, president of the Great Northern Railway, began building a series of hotels, chalets and tent camps throughout the park. The buildings were modeled on traditional Swiss architecture, and were part of Hill's strategy to portray Glacier as the "American Alps" or "America's Switzerland." The accommodations would in-turn help the railway promote tourism to the new national park, while at the same time promote their rail line as the primary mode of travel to the park. This would also allow them to compete against their chief rivals; the Canadian Pacific Railway and the Northern Pacific Railway, who were already transporting tourists to Banff and Yellowstone by that time.
The Belton Chalet in West Glacier, and the Glacier Park Lodge in East Glacier Park were the first two hotels to be constructed by Great Northern. Both acted as gateways from railroad depots to the interior of the park. Between 1910 and 1915 the railway also constructed eight Swiss-style backcountry chalet complexes, each connected by a network of trails. The complexes were strategically located at Two Medicine Lake, Cut Bank, St. Mary, Sun Point, Granite Park, Many Glacier, Gunsight Lake and Sperry Glacier. Tent camps were also established at Red Eagle Lake, Cosley Lake, Fifty Mountain and Goat Haunt. The chalet and tent camps were located roughly 10-18 miles apart. During their prime most of the chalet camps could host between 100 and 150 guests per night. Hill would explain to newspaper reporters that the “lodges would be located only far enough apart so that the man on foot even could make the trip and obtain sleeping accommodations,” and that “hotel accommodations of a more prestigious type or tents for the most modest could also be furnished.”
As construction on the new chalets progressed through the early 1910s, the railway also constructed the trails that would connect each of them by foot or horse travel. Because of a lack of federal funds, the Great Northern Railway assumed financial responsibility for all trail construction during this time period, but was eventually reimbursed as funding became available. Some of the earliest trails developed by the railway included Swiftcurrent Pass, Gunsight Pass, Mt. Henry, Red Gap Pass, Gable Pass, Triple Divide Pass, Piegan Pass, Pitamakan Pass and the St. Mary Lake trails. Many of these early trails were routed along Indian paths, prospector trails or old game trails. Great Northern would continue to improve or construct new trails within the park into the early 1920s. As the network of trails expanded, organized tours by horse concessionaires began to emerge. In 1915 the Park Saddle Horse Company became the sole concessionaire for the park, and began organizing a series of guided tours that utilized the existing network of chalets and trails. This included the North Circle, South Circle and Inside Trail trips, which encompassed roughly 163 miles of trails, each of which is now on the National Register of Historic Places. The company also offered the Logan Pass Triangle Trail trip, which traversed across the heart of the park utilizing routes from the other tours, as well as the now abandoned Logan Pass Trail. The concessionaire offered a variety of options, from half-day excursions to extended trips lasting up to two weeks. Most of the so-called circle tours, however, lasted between three and five days. During the 1920 season the company charged roughly $4.00 per person, per day to take one of its saddle-horse tours.
The park visitors that took these tours were “guided by ‘cowboys,’ lunched near glacial lakes and then dined in comfort on Chinese linen and blue willow china”. Park rules dictated that the Park Saddle Horse Company had to furnish at least one guide for each ten tourists on a trip. Parties could reach as large as 180 people and 200 horses. It’s estimated that the concessionaire used more than 1000 horses during its peak, with at least one source estimating as many as 1500 head of horses. The 1922 park brochure bragged that there were "more saddle horses used in Glacier than in any other similar recreational area in the world". From everything I’ve read that record has never been surpassed.
The saddle-horse tours were the dominant method of seeing the park until the Going-to-the-Sun Road was completed in 1933. Although the tours continued for another ten seasons, they came to a permanent end after the 1942 season when America became fully involved in World War II.
** This article is an adaptation from my book, "Ramble On: How Hiking Became One of the Most Popular Outdoor Activities in the World", which chronicles the rich and compelling history of hiking.

So, we already discussed what DC was doing to match the tenor of the early years of the War on Terror: A grim, smarter-than-it-thinks miniseries full of gratuitous rape that was meant to take the shine off the Silver Age by showing the darker side of its greatest heroes. Marvel, on the other hand, was trying to find a way to capture the zeitgeist of a post-9/11 era of existential threats, constant government surveillance, and the idea that if you weren’t with America, you were against it. A Captain America storyline saw Cap wrestle with the very concept of Guantanamo Bay; like any story arc that involves Cap doubting whether America lives up to its ideals, this made certain conservatives pissy, to the point that bad movie cataloguer Michael Medved wrote an entire article asking if Cap was a traitor. Avengers Disassembled briefly saw the Avengers face down their demons, as the Scarlet Witch goes crazy (again) and starts killing team members, her reality manipulations causing fault lines to form among Marvel’s greatest superteam. But there hadn’t yet been a storyline that would tie the entire Marvel Universe together with the burning question, “Which side are you on?”
Yeah, it’s got nothing to do with the Sokovia Accords. We’d be a lot better off if it did.
Part 1: Mark Millar’s March to the C-Word
Content Warning: Sexual assault. None of this is germane to the topic of the drama, so feel free to skip ahead to Part 1.5 if you don’t want to deal with this. Tl;dr: Mark Millar, the writer of the event, has a near pathological need to be a 3edgy5u contrarian.
Every comics crossover is ultimately a chance for one creative in the stable to shine or falter. The editors pick a writer who has turned out dependable work and give them a chance to try to alter the status quo but good. And for Civil War, Marvel’s EiC Joe Quesada decided the best person to lead the charge was Ultimates writer Mark Millar.
But who is Millar? Well, we could say “edgelord” and leave it at that, but we’re trying to dig deeper. Millar came up in comics alongside fellow Scot Grant Morrison, long before Morrison said the only time they want to bump into Millar on the streets of Glasgow is while going at 100 miles per hour. This antipathy is alleged to have stemmed from Millar copping several ideas from Morrison that went into Superman: Red Son. But after getting a start on Superman Adventures and as a cowriter on parts of Morrison’s JLA run, Millar soon branched out to WildStorm, where he took over The Authority from departing creatowritesex pest Warren Ellis.
The reason I bring up Red Son (for those non-geeks, an alternative universe comic premised on “What if Superman’s rocket had landed in Soviet Russia?”) is to frame a constant refrain about Mark Millar. He has good high-concept ideas… which often get trammeled up in an almost Pavlovian urge to shock, disturb, and/or titillate the reader. For instance, in The Authority, Ellis had introduced Apollo and Midnighter, two close companions who just happened to share the rough power sets and demeanors of Superman and Batman, with a few tweaks. Then he revealed they were boyfriends, which was a pretty bold move for a late Nineties comic book full of widescreen action and lovingly-rendered eviscerations.
In Millar’s first arc on the title, centered on a villainous Jack Kirby clone sending out a team of baddies who totally aren’t the Avengers, Apollo is subdued and is strongly implied to have been raped by someone who’s not Captain America. Apollo gets revenge by destroying EvilCap’s spinal column with his laser vision, then leaving him to the tender mercies of Midnighter, who is strongly implied to have sodomized him with a jackhammer.
In case you can’t tell, Millar loved him some rape. And it kept showing up in his creator-owned titles as well, all of which were basically written as Hollywood pitch docs. Wanted asks the question, “What if the supervillains won and secretly ruled the world from behind the scenes?” Well, an Eminem clone would take the opportunity to step into his dead villainous dad’s shoes and commit a lot of rape (yeah, there’s a reason the movie version replaced this with basically the Euthanatos from Mage: the Ascension getting orders from a magic loom). Chosen asks the question, “What if Jesus were born today?” Well, in a blatantly obvious twist, it turns out he’s actually the Antichrist, and part of his journey into realizing his evil nature involves being raped by all the demons of Hell.
It’s not that Millar can’t write innocent or restrained; he got started on the Superman: the Animated Series comic spin-off, and some of his titles such as Huck and Starlight have been praised for being relatively wholesome (keep in mind Huck is basically “What if Superman was Forrest Gump?” when I say “relatively”). And, as mentioned above, his works are made for high-concept log lines. You might recognize some of his various pitch docs: Kick-Ass, The Secret Service (source for the Kingsman movies), and, as mentioned above, Wanted. It’s just there’s this unctuous contrarian streak to a lot of his titles, a tendency to focus on venality, grotesquerie, and sodomy, with an air of pop culture edge. This also leaked into his image outside of his writing, with comments like “Games are for pedos” and ventures like the creator-owned comics periodical CLiNT (yes, the kerning is intentional). This streak continues to this day, as The Magic Order, a title that emerged from his deal with Netflix, features a magical escapologist who, she feels it very important to tell the reader in a direct monologue, escaped her own abortion. Bottom line, Millar has a sense of vision, but it’s betrayed at times by this reflexive desire to prove he’s smarter than the reader, to rub your face in the contradictions and make you a party to the artifice of it all. Usually with a dash of rape.
But at Marvel, Millar was riding the lightning of the Ultimate Universe. His Ultimates title was drawing on the wide-screen action image of JLA and The Authority, creating the cinematic language that would come to define the MCU. The choice to fantasy cast Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury is why we have Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. He also painted the Hulk as a cannibalistic monster, cemented Hank Pym’s reputation as a wifebeater, and gave us Captain America yelling “Surrender? Do you think this A on my head stands for France?”, so let’s just keep that in perspective.
But the Ultimate Universe was its own pocket universe. Millar was being tapped to write a story for Earth-616, the main Marvel Universe. And he had a vision:

“I opted instead for making the superhero dilemma something a little different. People thought they were dangerous, but they did not want a ban. What they wanted was superheroes paid by the federal government like cops and open to the same kind of scrutiny. It was the perfect solution and nobody, as far as I'm aware, has done this before.”

Yeah. About that.
Part 1.5: What Has Come Before
Ultimately, the crux of Civil War is something that has been explored lightly in the past at Marvel: The idea that, instead of being unlicensed vigilantes who decide the best solution of societal issues is to beat up assholes in spandex, superheroes become licensed government officers that register their true identities with Uncle Sam and solve societal issues by beating up assholes in spandex. In Marvel’s history, it hasn’t gone well. The reality of government liaisons to superhero bodies has ranged from Valerie Cooper, who worked with government mutant team X-Factor but still found herself backing the genocidal Sentinel program as a big “Yeah, but what if…?”, to Henry Peter Gyrich, an inflamed obstructionist asshole who had to be held back from flipping a switch that would depower every superhuman individual on Earth. The idea of heroes themselves bristling against a government they disagreed with had a long history, as there was a period where Steve Rogers quit being Captain America, and the government had to find a replacement while he rode around on a motorcycle in a surprisingly slutty costume. But the idea of registering with the government has usually ended up on the “No” side due to one big cohort at Marvel: Mutants.
Ever since the days of Chris Claremont, a general conceit of the Marvel Universe is that mutants are a stand-in for your minority group of choice. Hated and feared, born different and feeling alienated, painted as an existential menace and threat to the status quo. Of course, it’s long been pointed out that the metaphor breaks down on the general grounds that, say, gays can’t shoot laser beams out of their eyes. I have my thoughts on that which I might share in the comments if someone pokes me hard enough, but it’s been general editorial consensus that people with powers, especially those of persecuted minorities, being compelled to share their true names, addresses, and natures with the federal government is a “That train’s never late!” move. Not only that, it’s a slippery slope. The classic X-Men story “Days of Future Past” is entirely premised on the idea that a government program of genocidal robots built to wipe out mutants will eventually run out of mutants… and then start turning on humans who could give birth to mutants, and then it’s Skynet all over again.
Another running meme in the Marvel Universe is that the X-Men usually exist in a Schrodinger’s cat situation with the rest of the superhero universe, both coexisting and in their own worlds. Yes, mutants have served on the Avengers, and yes, Thor intervened when the Morlocks were nearly wiped out in the sewers under New York. But Captain America, for all his proud statements of living up to America’s ideals, has a habit of missing the plot whenever the US government (or Canada, seat of all the Marvel Universe’s governmental evils - no, really) decides it’s Genocide O’Clock. And when the mutant nation of Genosha was completely wiped out by said murder robots, the Avengers seemed to be all “New phone who dis?” But when the two do intersect, there’s usually support for the mutants. One story in Fantastic Four had Reed Richards - Mr. Fantastic, stretchy man, greatest genius in the Marvel Universe, guy who’s probably being cucked by a fish-man - get tapped by the US government to make a device that detects mutants and other people with powers. He does… and then uses it to show why the government probably doesn’t want it, as it pings several members of Congress as having just enough genetic variation to qualify as “mutants,” even if they don’t have powers.
All in all, while the argument has some merit, for years, Marvel has come down on the position that asking people with powers to reveal their identities to the federal government is something that could go really bad if somebody with a hate-on for superheroes ends up in power. Something that would never happen oh yeah it totally did. But before it all went to Hell, Civil War at least gave an opportunity to reexamine the concept and see if it had merit.
It might have. But not with this argument.
Part 1.75: What Else Has Happened Before?
And now, some things that will ultimately give context for what happens next:

• In the pages of Thor, all of Asgard eventually runs headlong into Ragnarok. Thor and the rest of the Asgardians give their lives to save the earth, taking Thor off the board… for now.
• As mentioned above, the Avengers experience a critical fault due to Wanda going batshit (a common lament). With Avengers Mansion destroyed and the team at odds, it is eventually reunited under Tony Stark, who put the Avengers up in a tower he built.
• Nick Fury has vanished due to doing some skullduggery in the pages of the miniseries Secret War (no, not Secret Wars, this is different). Acting head of SHIELD, the all-purpose super spy squad of Marvel, is Maria Hill, who can’t seem to draw her pistol without shooting herself in the foot.
• Due to Wanda continuing to go batshit, the House of M crossover event ends with her casting a spell: “No more mutants.” While the damage is staunched, Earth-616’s population of mutants (which was recently established to be somewhere around 16 million) is reduced to 200, the rest being depowered or dying as a result of being depowered. This was because, as Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said, the idea of mutants being everywhere made them “boring.” The fact that mutants were starting to be written less as a minority stand-in and more as an actual minority group with fashion, culture, music, and neighborhoods might have had something to do with that. From the wake of this event emerges Sally Floyd, a journalist whose own mutant daughter died before the mass depowering due to having a power that was more curse than blessing. The series Generation M follows her as the viewpoint character as she investigates the stories of former mutants.

Part 2: Connecticut Can’t Catch a Break
The big kick-off for Civil War involves the New Warriors, a team of teen heroes who have, as of a recently canceled series, been trying to make it big as reality TV stars. They get in a fight with a bunch of villains in the small town of Stamford, CT, when exploding villain Nitro goes positively nuclear, resulting in a blast much bigger than any he’s generated. [1] Not only does this mostly wipe out the New Warriors (save for kinetic energy-absorbing goofball Speedball), but it also happens to hit a nearby school. In the end, 612 people are dead, many of them children, and the nation wants answers.
With public opinion turning against the New Warriors, former member Hindsight starts leaking secret identities to get the heat off his back. This only makes things worse. Secret identities have only recently stopped being a thing for some heroes: Captain America only came out a few years ago, it was only recently that Tony Stark stopped pretending Iron Man was his bodyguard, and Daredevil was almost outed in the pages of his book. But something needs to be done, so Tony helps work with Congress to pass the Super Human Registration Act, which requires that all people with powers or working as vigilantes register their identities with the government to receive training and oversight. If you don’t? Believe it or not, jail, right away.
Fault lines quickly develop in the superhero community. While Tony is leading the “pro” side, alongside Reed Richards (yeah, we’ll get to that), Captain America, usually painted as the embodiment of the dream of America despite its compromised history and many sins, is against it. He’s lived through Richard Nixon being a secret fascist and shooting himself in the head after being fingered as mastermind of a vast criminal conspiracy (yes, that happened ); he knows how badly this could go in the wrong hands. Needless to say, Maria Hill and SHIELD hear his concerns, understand his problems with it, and are willing to iron out the kinks through reasoned debate.
Just kidding. Before the law has even been signed, Maria sics SHIELD’s elite Cape-Killers squad on Cap with the intent of getting him behind bars. Cap swiftly goes underground and starts his own group of anti-registration superheroes.
The fight continues for the next few issues. Spider-Man, caught in the middle, reveals himself to be Peter Parker at a press conference, declaring his support for the SHRA. Doctor Strange is so powerful that he tells the government to fuck off, and somehow, Maria Hill doesn’t decide to go charging up his asshole. Ben Grimm, the ever-loving blue-eyed Thing, is so sick of all the conflict he goes to France. But things are still at a stalemate, and while SHIELD may be acting like a bunch of merry assholes, it seems like there’s a debate to be had that could still be resolved reasonably… except for one key factor.
Part 3: I Fought the Law, and the Law… Huh?
No one ever really defined what the Super Human Registration Act, the legislation that tore the Marvel Universe’s superhero community asunder, did. Every book that had an issue that touched on the event seemed to have a different understanding of its principles, as well as just how fascist it might be in the long run. In the pages of She-Hulk, attorney Jennifer Walters/She-Hulk argues the law is a net good, as it gives heroes the backing and resources they need to not have to go it alone, while also having some measure of government oversight. In the pages of Civil War Frontline (oh, and we’ll get back to Civil War Frontline, don’t you worry), Wonder Man is told by the government that he needs to do a job for them, and if he refuses, well, one thousand years dungeon.
Which then leads into the other issue behind the SHRA. Namely, that everyone in favor was either starting to swing towards fascism or embracing bootlicking as a lifestyle, not a kink. In the pages of Amazing Spider-Man, Peter asks Reed Richards, who has always bucked authority and once stopped the US government from doing something just like this with mutants, why he’s pro-registration. Reed then reveals that an uncle who has never been mentioned before was called before HUAC; he refused to name names, his career was ruined, and he killed himself. From this, Reed - the man who stole a rocketship because the government said “no” to his planned space voyage - has learned that the government is always right, especially when they could step on your neck (this was received so badly that a later comic revealed he’d actually borrowed the concept of psychohistory from Asimov’s Foundation, he’d made it work somehow, and his calculations showed that this was the only way to avoid a greater disaster). This comic also revealed that people who were in violation of the SHRA were sent to a literal extradimensional Gitmo, a prison in the Negative Zone that later comics would reveal was overseen by… Captain Marvel. No, not that one. No, not that one. The Kree superhero Captain Mar-Vell, who had famously died of cancer decades before. How did he come back from the dead? Fuck if we know.
This “the law says what you want it to say” approach spread across various books and miniseries meant to cross over into the event. In the pages of a crossover mini between the Runaways and the Young Avengers, this meant SHIELD Cape-Killer squads were using lethal force against teenagers. The second-to-last issue of the mini ends with several members of both teams in extradimensional Gitmo, about to be dissected by a guy who’s horny for torture. The fact that all the captive heroes were the queer members of both teams? Total coincidence. Honestly.
So, it quickly becomes clear that the editorial control on this event is less than cohesive. There are different ideas all over as to what the SHRA does, and some of those ideas are tacking pretty fashy. But if the law is being painted as that bad, then clearly, there must be some greater statement of freedom vs. security. Maybe Millar’s really painting a subversive picture of what happens when you trade liberty for control, right?
Part 4: Why Do You Hate the Good Thing?
After the publication of Civil War #3, Millar would say in an interview he was actually pro-registration. I can’t find that interview, but here’s a similar sentiment shared years later:

“Weirdly, some of the other writers would often make Tony the bad guy, which I thought was a strange choice because I was actually on Tony’s side... In the real world, if somebody had superpowers, I’d like them to be registered in the same way that somebody who has a gun has to carry a license. But a gun can kill several people while a superhero can kill several thousands of people, so on a pragmatic level I’m 100% on Tony’s side. Maybe on a romantic level, Cap’s position makes sense but I don’t think anybody in the real world would really want that."”

And again, here’s the thing: He’s not entirely wrong. As said above, the idea of civil liberties for all and “free to me you and me” falls down a little when one of your neighbors can blow up a city block by thinking real hard. But Millar is fighting against years of ideological inertia in the Marvel Universe, as well as painting Captain America, the guy who has always embodied the ideal of a righteous, just America, as in the wrong. He needs to make one hell of an argument.
So here’s what happens in the pages of Civil War #3 to sell the audience on the SHRA:

• Thor comes back from the dead… and he’s on Tony’s side! Well, not really. Tony and Reed both realized that having one of the most beloved gods of the Marvel Universe come out on their side would be a big win… if only he wasn’t dead. So, they cloned him. Or rather, they T-800’d him, putting cloned divine flesh on a robot skeleton. But I’m sure he’s perfectly under control, and - oh, he just killed Goliath. In the next issue, one of Marvel’s black male heroes, frozen at the size of a small townhouse in death, will be buried in a gigantic ditch, wrapped in a tarp and chains. You’d think Hank Pym could grow a large enough coffin, at least.
• With Cap and the anti-registration side escaping once again, Tony decides he needs a dedicated team that can track down fugitive superhumans. To do so, he creates a new version of the Thunderbolts, a concept long associated with “villains acting like heroes.” And who does he put on this team? Venom, the Spider-Man villain who eats people’s brains; Bullseye, the Daredevil villain who will kill anyone for the lulz; and Norman Osborn, a.k.a. The Green Goblin, who famously murdered Spider-Man’s girlfriend Gwen Stacy.

Again. Tony’s in the right. The SHRA is good.
Part 5: Yadda, Yadda, Yadda
The next few issues of Civil War might best be described as “They fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight.” The anti-registration side picks up The Punisher, Marvel’s most avowed murderer of criminals - and Cap is somewhat shocked but not entirely surprised when two minor villains join the anti-registration side and Frank promptly kills them on sight. Spider-Man starts realizing things are weird on the pro-reg side and defects, after he has set his entire life on fire. The X-Men have continued to stay out of this whole mess. In the lead-up, Emma Frost called Tony out on the Avengers’ complete absence when Genosha got nuked. Later, Carol Danvers (then Ms. Marvel, now Captain Marvel) will show up at the Xavier School to pitch the SHRA just after a massive terrorist attack kills dozens of students. Emma responds by telepathically dogwalking her.
By the final issue of the miniseries, the SHRA has expanded out into the Fifty States Initiative, wherein each state gets its own superteam. There’s a big final battle, Hercules kills Robo-Thor, and Cap nearly takes out Tony, only to be stopped by… the heroes of 9/11. No shit, Captain America is subdued by cops, firefighters, and paramedics. And when that happens, Cap finally takes a look around, realizes their big ideological street brawl has resulted in collateral damage, and surrenders. The SHRA wins, though Tony feels a little bad about it. Cap is ready to stand trial and to argue that, while he may have done something wrong, he did it for the right reasons.
Once again: Yeah. About that.
Part 6: MySpace Tom Didn’t Die For This
Running alongside Civil War is Civil War Frontline, a street-level book written by Paul Jenkins that managed to capture this world-breaking conflict through the eyes of people on the street. Though it has side stories, its main leads are Ben Urich, Peter Parker’s journalist buddy at The Daily Bugle, and the aforementioned Sally Floyd. Throughout the series, they start to realize there’s a story underneath the SHRA, as if somebody is playing the angles.
Before we talk about that conclusion, let’s talk about a side story. Remember how we said part of the comics community saw Identity Crisis as a driven effort to make things less “wacky” and intentionally darken the DCU? Well, that same tonal approach led to one of the more laughable moments of a pretty laughable arc. See, despite the fact that, as established, it was Nitro who blew up Stamford, it’s Speedball, the only survivor of the New Warriors, that views himself as responsible and is held up as a scapegoat by the general public. In addition, the blast screwed up his powers. Now, he doesn’t absorb and reflect kinetic energy; rather, he generates energy based on pain. So, he builds himself a new, extreme outfit lined with 612 spikes, one for each person who died in Stamford. This will drive his crusade to make things right - not as Speedball… but as Penance.
It was so laughably DeviantArt “OC do not steal” that no one could take it seriously. Look what you did, you took a perfectly good goofball and gave him an emo streak. The turn is swiftly mocked in other Marvel books, and it’s eventually revealed that Speedball still had his original powerset and always intended to put Nitro in the Goofy Suit of Dark Inner Torment as punishment for his crimes. But this turn gives you a sense of the tone and heft Jenkins was bringing to the proceedings.
Anyway, back to the main plot. Ben and Sally follow the thread as Namor, as he is wont to do, declares war on the surface world after an Atlantean diplomat is shot. But it turns out the assassination was arranged by Norman Osborn, who decided it was better to beg forgiveness than ask permission and manipulated Atlantis into war so that Tony could have another piece of evidence for getting superhumans on a leash. And the two journalists deduce that, on some level, Tony had to know this would be an inevitable outcome of giving state backing to an unhinged mogul who dresses like a Power Rangers villain. Weighing what to do with this information, Ben and Sally, who are kind of sick of the collateral damage by this point, sit on it while they go in for an interview with Captain America, now in custody and willing to tell his side of the story.
And then. And then. The monologue. If you want a lesson in how to assassinate a character in 30 seconds or less, this monologue is a great example. Sally Floyd calls Captain America out as completely divorced from American values. Now, again, Captain America has long served as the beating liberal heart of the Marvel Universe. He has always represented an America that reckons with its legacy of things like internment camps, Manifest Destiny, and Jim Crow, in order to transcend these scars and embody the promise offered by Emma Lazarus’s New Colossus, carved on the side of the Statue of Liberty. Why is he out of touch with Americans at the dawn of the 21st century?
Well, he’s never heard of MySpace. [2] He doesn’t watch NASCAR. He doesn’t follow American Idol. There are pop culture moments that have aged like milk; this one had all the permanence of an ice cream cone in a blast furnace. But despite the inanity of Floyd’s argument - and trust me, there are fan edits dedicated to Cap pointing out how full of shit this argument is - it’s clear it represents something else. This is a post-9/11 world. Fuck civil liberties, we have a no-fly list and Gitmo, and if the American people really cared, they’d do something other than watch Simon Cowell read aspiring singers to filth. What does Captain America stand for in this moment of crisis?
Nothing. Because he just looks away from Sally Floyd. No doubt thinking, “Oh my God this bitch.” But to underline the argument in question, Sally storms out of the interview, Ben in tow. She still has that information on Norman Osborn’s false flag operation… and while she and Ben confront Tony on everything that went down, they decide the story should never see the light of day. Because they wouldn’t dare jeopardize the SHRA, because security is more important than the truth.
Oh. And then Cap gets shot. And dies. He totally dies (except he doesn’t but we’ll get to that). If ever there was an unintentional thesis statement for this event, running in the late stages of the Bush era, it would be this: “It’s better to trust that the powers that be who oversee the new America will keep you safe, even when they stage false flag operations, stick you in a gulag, and put their trust in monsters. All that civil liberty stuff was the old America. And the old America was hopeless. It wasn’t even on MySpace.”
Epilogue: Consequences Keep Consequencing
As you can tell from that last paragraph, a lot of the fan reception to Civil War likely had a lot to do with the period. This was the Bush era, a time where you were for America or against it. We were in the shadow of the Patriot Act, Gitmo, and widespread wiretaps, paranoid about what civil liberty we’d be asked to put on the pyre next in the name of Freedom. A story all about the warm, clenching fist of government control that tells you to ignore the collateral damage… well, it wasn’t great for the cultural moment.
The ideas of Civil War aren’t necessarily bad ones. I frame Cap as the liberal dream of what America could be, but there are good arguments to be made that America has never been that and Cap is just copium for liberals. His most recent title, Sentinel of Liberty, opens with Steve saying he is out of touch with the average American - not because he doesn’t watch NASCAR, but because he’s a WWII veteran who looks maybe 30 years old at most and whose best friends are all superheroes or spies. A narrative that has him on the wrong side of the issue and detonates his beliefs isn’t impossible, but it probably shouldn’t be one where people who got powers due to a fluke of birth or a radiation accident are told by the government, “Join with us or we’ll send supervillains after you.” Hell, as the Civil War movie proves, there is a way to tell a story about a superhero community torn in half by the idea of mandatory registration as government-controlled actors, and just why people would think that could be a bad idea (“Hey, remember when a good chunk of our intelligence apparatus turned out to be Nazi stay behinds?”).
But in the context of the era, and coupled with the execution, Civil War felt like a hard sell, and you could feel the thumb pressing on the scale every second while reading it. The moral center of the Marvel Universe is wrong, the winning side employs sadistic murderers and has an extradimensional Gitmo, and the writer is telling you that any sane individual would be on Team Green Goblin Employer.
So how did that all work out? Well…

• With Cap seemingly dead, shot by his brainwashed love interest Sharon Carter as part of a plot by the Red Skull, Bucky Barnes/the Winter Soldier becomes the new Cap. Only it turns out Steve wasn’t killed, but shot with a time bullet that Billy Pilgrims his ass. He eventually comes back.
• Thor comes back, finds out what Tony did, and beats his ass all the way across post-Katrina New Orleans.
• The Secret Invasion event happens next, which leads to Skrull infiltrators hitting everything (this is also the explanation for Captain Mar-Vell’s miraculous resurrection: He was a Skrull all along). With Tony caught with his pants down and Norman Osborn seeming to save the day, Norman - who has been losing his shit for some time - takes over the Initiative and forms his own fascist cabal, HAMMER. To try and stop Norman from learning everything on every hero ever, Tony goes on the run and actually starts deleting his own brain, which he then reassembles with a backup from before anyone even thought of the SHRA. The fact that getting rid of Tony’s “Oops I did a fascism” period came out alongside Iron Man hitting theaters is a coincidence, I’m sure.

As for Spider-Man? It might not shock you, but having a hero without the resources of Tony Stark out himself to the world carries liabilities. An assassin who tries to kill Peter instead hits Aunt May, and it appears she’ll die of her injuries. All this leads to One More Day… and if you thought the fans hated Civil War? Oh, BABY.
[1] This is eventually explored in the pages of Wolverine, of all books, as Wolverine decides maybe somebody should track down the person who actually killed hundreds of children. It’s revealed that Nitro was given power-boosting drugs by the CEO of Damage Control, Marvel’s designated “clean up after the super-battle” corporation, as a way of generating business. In a sign of how little this matters, Wolverine tells Maria Hill to her face that the person responsible for a mass casualty event is the pawn of a powerful conspiracy, and she basically says, “Not my problem.” Cobie Smulders must thank the gods that her Maria Hill is written as somebody with basic human decency.
[2] Hilariously, when Sally Floyd was brought back during Nick Spencer’s Captain America run because no one had piled enough dung on her corpse, this line was retconned to her asking him about Twitter. Given everything Elon’s been doing lately, we’ll see if that ages just as poorly.